Conclusion

~ Conclusion ~
 
What can I say? This journey, both into myself and around the globe, has been one of the best experiences of my life, of such great depth and enjoyment. I could never have foreseen the changes that have taken place inside and out, and as I continue on my path, with love and light in my heart, I am beyond excited about what the next 90 days and beyond will bring.
 
Yes, the journey continues. This is not the end; it cannot be the end! As I sit here typing these lasts words in this particular book, I know that there is so much more inside of me. More journeys to take, physically and spiritually. More people to meet, to love, to inspire, and to learn from.
 
Through my work, through my life, on my path to being the very best version of me that I can be, to empower, inspire and help as many people as I possibly can while I am here on this beautiful planet we get to call home, I now know for certain that what I have in store is one amazing adventure. By continuing this journey of conceiving, believing and taking action, I am destined to be and to achieve everything I see before me.
 
I have learned that there really is no right or wrong way to meditate. That you do what works for you. Find a space and time where you won’t be distracted, get comfortable enough to stay there for the period of time you set for yourself without falling asleep, turn everything off except an alarm, to avoid being lured into checking the time, and then allow what needs to come to you, and through you, to do just that. As you have read here, it won’t necessarily come easily and at times it might be incredibly challenging, but with the joy and peace I have in my heart I can say without hesitation that it is absolutely worth it.
 
So what have I achieved so far? From the stumbling through 10 minutes of shutting my eyes and trying simply to be present in the moment, to a meditation/mindfulness practice that now lasts no less than an hour every single day.
 
From wading my way through the cacophony of noise that hurtled through my head in those early days, to the peace that comes more often than not, and the information I get to receive in perfect segments of space and time.

I have written and published a bestselling book. I have drafted a second and this, my third book, is now complete and ready to launch.
 
I have spent two months in a foreign-speaking country, learning, loving, and understanding what it is to give to myself first before being able to give to others.
 
I have flown around the globe to a city I expected to dislike and fell in love instead: with the city and the people in it.
 
I have stood on stage in front of 1,400 people, having manifested it so, and learned how, by being authentically me, I can help others to be the very best they can be.
 
I have created a brand, spoken on two radio stations, have a workshop and a retreat booked for a few weeks’ time, been invited to speak at an event in the UK, and am helping people through my coaching with a version the program that was given to me through my meditations.
 
I have found love and compassion for myself, and I am learning to hold that space as I continue to discover what it means to find true love with another person.
 
I am in the process of setting up The Amazon Project with my friends from my trip to Peru, to regenerate areas of the Peruvian Amazon that have been destroyed by deforestation.

And so much more besides...those little unique occurrences that have been mentioned in my writings and those that have simply slipped through consciousness and nestled themselves within me. 

Would any of the above have happened if it weren’t for this practice I decided to sit with and note down every day for the least 90 days? I honestly believe that it would not have. Has everything I manifested come to pass? No. Has everything that was meant to cross my path on the journey that I have taken so far occurred? Absolutely. Has my belief in my own abilities and love for myself grown out of all recognition from what it was just a few short months ago? Wholeheartedly yes. Do I have much yet to learn, to grow and to understand? Without a shadow of a doubt.
 
I look forward to what every step, along this beautiful path that I get to call my life, has to offer me.

Continuing to grow

Continuing To Grow
 
 
There is a seed inside us all
Like all seeds, it asks for very little
Nourishment, light and love
Without these the seed will surely perish
 
With the perfect mixture of all that it needs
The seed does what seeds do
And sprouts in to life
The little green shoots begin their journey
 
But it doesn’t stop there
You can’t abandon it now
The elements would kill it
You must still love, serve and protect
 
Feed it the right things
And discard the rest
Soon you will see the beauty of your intent
come to life as it peeks out from the darkness
 
Now is the time to ensure you protect it
Stop others from affecting its true line of sight
Be the guard around the sapling
And be sure to keep watch for all forms of danger
 
This is your destiny, don’t forget to keep lookout
Ensure you are first and foremost your own best friend
The guardian to you soul and your destiny
Only you are responsible for ensuring your seed becomes the mighty oak
 
 

 
~ Introduction to days 76 to 90 ~
 
As my plane touched down at Heathrow it dawned on me, just as it had when I had returned from France the month before, that I didn’t have that sense of coming 'home'.
 
It had been an emotional flight, which was to be expected, but the length of it had given me the space I needed to work through the emotions and step on to home soil with an overriding sense of achievement and excitement.
 
What an amazing three months it was. I felt truly blessed to be heading back to see my family, friends, and animals, knowing that my time away from them was everything for me that I hoped it would be and so very much more besides.
 
I didn’t know for certain what the future held for me but I did know that I was stronger, wiser, happier, more peaceful, and more centred than I had been for a very long time; if ever even.
 
In the final two weeks, and after everything that I had been blessed to experience over those past few months, I felt the desire to add some specific thoughts of gratitude to each day. Just 5 short sentences, focussing my mind to continue to look at all that is wonderful in my life.

*****


~ Day 76 ~
 
Sitting on a log in the horses field, listening to the horses eating hay and Charlie, my little dog snuffling around while I meditate, the birds singing and the spring breeze rustling through the leaves on the trees was pure and utter bliss.  I have so much to be grateful for.
 
While asking the universe to help me with this path I realised I have everything I need to be going forward that will bring me the income I need to not only keep myself afloat financially, but to also help others around me.
 
It came to me today to plan out my next ninety days with a focus on generating a sustainable income and also progress my mind and body health.
 
When I have finished writing here I will be setting to task my focuses for the coming quarter, breaking them down into manageable daily tasks.
 
The overall conclusion from this morning is that I have everything I need and I now need to get to work, while being wholeheartedly grateful for everything.

 


~ Day 77 ~
 
Today blessed me with a wonderful long deep meditation of a good hour and a half followed by a light sleep. I'm doing well on the jet lag front but it's mixed with broken sleep and Charlie getting settled again so I'm happy to take an additional nap if needed.
 
Things that came up today included working through the emotions, having left California, remembering to be kind to myself for these few days of adjustment but to stick to the new plan, ensure I take in as much positive, inspirational energy as possible and keep working towards my dream of complete independence.
 
It came up again that I have everything to work with. I guess this is way nothing more is coming through. My job now is to not get distracted with.
 
I am allowing myself a little downtime this weekend while I work out where I'm going to be living for the next three months and getting used to the routine I have to have around the horses and Charlie again. That's fine but come Monday it's all systems go. Yes, I have the old business to close down and everything that will come with that, but that must be secondary to my work, my future, me.
 
Also, there was the important realisation that working on me, and for me is great, but I must not forget that ultimately I will find true fulfillment in giving to others. There is a difference in giving, in a productive and creative manner, and just giving completely to the point of losing myself.  I must stay aware of this, be true to me while also ensuring I am putting others needs in line with my own. 
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. The beautiful weather yesterday allowing me to spend quality time with the boys.

2. My mum; she is simply awesome.

3. Charlie. What a super little man he is.

4. My amazing friend; she is a part of my heart and soul. My relationship with her is the closest I have to a partnership and I appreciate her so very much. I have been aware of mirroring my emotions on to her and the awareness is bringing back lightness and happiness now.

5. Being fit, well, healthy and happy. I am very lucky indeed!
 
I decided to meditate again this afternoon, back in 'the womb' in my mum's home, and it was another deep, completely connected  .
 
What's coming through is continuing this journey into myself for longer than these initial 90 days. To stay focused on me, which I have remained committed to since the Evolving Out Loud event and also from the reset for these 90 days before I head back to LA.
 
I have a plan and a focus in place for this month.  Feeling my mind and body come together as one with the meditations and manifestations as well as the adding in notating of tive things I am grateful for, daily.  I have also committed to listening to at least five minutes of motivational and inspirational videos to start my day. 
 
I am going to add reading to the list too, as this has dropped out of the daily routine and I know how important it is, especially as the book I started to read while in France is so on point for my work right now.
 
Something that came to me was to change the routine by manifesting before my meditations, this way setting the intention for the meditation.
 
I have my action steps in place for today and look forward to what the day has to offer me.
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. Having Kyle Cease, his 100 days, and Evolving Out Loud event brought into my life. I am amazed at how one video has taken me so far, and I know that the journey continues far beyond what I can see at this time.

2. My mum. It’s too easy to judge when I am the child but I appreciate all that she has given me, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

3. My friends. I have started to take a little for granted how much I have been missed while I have been away and this is so unacceptable. Without the love and support of some of the most amazing people I would not have been able to survive the last 2 years. So the fact that they are still here by my side and wanting to see me, are loving me and being an amazing support still, is nothing that I should take for granted for even a millisecond.

4. My horses for keeping me grounded and ensuring I don't lose my work ethic or commitment to others while I work through this time of total focus on myself. Ensuring I don't get so self-absorbed and insular. Having to leave the house and get out among people, if only on the roads!

5. To the universe for keeping me safe.

 

~ Day 78 ~
I had the most beautiful meditation today, again while I was sat in the horse field with the spring sunshine on my back. I was able to go really deep for the first time in what feels like an eternity and yet I know I've been there recently.
 
Remembering that this work I am doing daily is compounding, that it is having the most wonderfully positive effect on my life, and though I woke this morning feeling very unenthused I knew this was down to my poor food choices yesterday and the breaking up process I am going through this fortnight with finalising the old business.
 
I have so many opportunities to get my teeth into. I could easily beat myself up for not getting out of bed this morning but instead I saw it for what it was and understood what it was about, which enabled me to move past it quickly.
 
The awareness I now have about everyone and everything around me is so clear and it is evident around the animals, especially the horses.
 
What is also clear is I like being in my own old business now, especially while I am working through all of this.
 
It's such an amazing time in my life.
 
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. The bed I got to sleep in last night was so comfortable, like I was back in my own 'womb' of a space.

2. The field where the horses stay has such a beautiful energy. It is the perfect place to be with myself, to meditate and to work on my inner self.

3. The knowledge that I AM LOVE and that everyone and everything around me is a version of that love which I hold for myself. I am so grateful to have this understanding and know that my relationships will grow stronger and more fulfilled as the love for myself grows stronger and more fulfilled.

4. My ex-partner, for sticking to his word, being a proper human being I originally fell in love with, and for allowing me to do all that I have had to, these past two and a half years

5. My ex-boyfriend, for making me face reality and the lack of love I had for myself.

 

~ Day 79 ~

 

I worked through my manifesting and gratefulness before my meditation today and then managed an initial forty minutes while I sat in the field. Some fantastic information coming through for my website, my self-esteem, and my relationships.
 
Meditating with two dogs going crazy around me, with temperatures below 10 degrees however was not conducive to a deep and long self-discovery so when I came out of it, I took the decision to stop there and go back to the house to complete another thirty minutes.
 
This meditation was in the bath, with nothing but me and the gloriously warm water.  I went through some emotion, clearing out stuff from past relationships, continuing to understand that all the issues I have with other people are a mirror of myself.
 
It is beautiful how deep I can go when there is nothing else to take my attention. It is very clear to me that though in many ways it seems from the outside that nothing has changed, all of the work I have been putting in and focusing on is doing exactly as I had hoped it would, do back in late January. I am learning and growing daily. The compound effect of the little bits I am doing every day is resulting in the most amazing thoughts, ideas, and ultimately actions, creating the life I have been craving for many years now.
 
I have complete and utter knowledge from deep within me that by continuing to follow this path I will get and become everything I ever wanted. I will be able to pay forward everything I have hoped and dreamed of doing.
 
I changed my body language at the end of the meditation, from comfy and cosy to victory, and that's when the BOOM happened!! I've not done that for a while. I allowed the change of scenery from France to LA to affect my work on me in many ways and as I hoped, being back here in the UK without distraction, I am slowly coming back to me, completely. I missed me, in many ways, while I was there, and I hadn’t realised it until now.
 
With this newfound awareness I know I will be able to make more from my return trip, take the time to work on me and my books while I can, and still have time to enjoy the adventure and the city I so crave to get back to.
 
What a beautiful, amazing life I have and how simply perfect everything is in every moment.
 
I cannot thank the universe enough for setting me on this unbelievably amazing path of self-discovery, self-love and ultimate self-connection.
 
GRATITUDE
 
.1 Sitting in this beautiful field, with the sun shining on my back and the birds singing, the dogs bumbling about happily and the horses munching on their hay.

2. My relationships, for everything they have taught me. 

3. My mum, I know if all else were to fail she will always be here for me.

4. My laptop, iPad and phone - being able to work anywhere in the world.

5. The money in my bonds accounts - my ‘peace of mind account’ while I work this all out. 
 
 
It's 1:30am and I just had to write. My heart is bursting out of my chest. My mind is spinning with excitement and awareness and dreams and actions all coming into place at once, like this turning of the days. The commitment I have to the actions I have set for myself for these coming months is all coming together at once and amongst all of this I am able to help, create happiness, and inspire others too. 

This is literally a dream coming true and I am so very grateful to the universe, while overcome with joy and happiness and this simple innate knowing that I am on my path, that this is it, that I have found my way. It is like poetry in motion. Love in its highest form.
 
Is it coincidence (no such thing) that my increased downloading, enthusiasm, and zest coincides with reducing my intake of unhealthy food…!? I think not!

 

~ Day 80 ~
I am sat on the bed in this beautiful cottage I get to call home while I am here in the UK, thanks to the most amazing people that I have in my life, and it is perfect.  
Today was peaceful, all consuming, deep and incredibly soulful. It is here I feel like I have found myself because it was in this very cottage that I came to the point not too many months ago that I had lost myself, almost completely.
 
I’m feeling an overriding sense of fulfilment in the unwavering knowledge that this is me, that I am growing and searching inside myself every day, listening to what the universe has to offer me, allowing everything to flow to me and through me. This is exactly how my life will continue to grow, expand and develop for the rest of my time on this beautiful planet.
 
It is times like this that I can truly look back over the last three months and see the development that I have undertaken, both emotionally and spiritually.  Yet, as far as I have come, I also know also that my journey continues daily.
 
As today is day 80, with 10 days left of this amazing delve into myself, I can only begin to image where the next 90 days will take me.
 
The people that I have met during my travels in both France and the US have enriched my life beyond what they will ever be aware of, and I know so many of them will be in my future for a very long time.
 
Everything must start with gratitude and I am so thankful that I have now added that to my meditation ritual, along with the manifesting and body language.

Today, as I felt it was time to change my physical state, I chose to count the 120 seconds. My gentle alarm sounded as I neared the last 19 seconds, as if I had known subconsciously that I was at the end of my meditation time. I 'knew' the hour of meditation was nearing yet not on a conscious level. I really must begin to understand that, like the very depths of the ocean that feeds our physical body by producing the water that turns into rain to fill our rivers and in turn the very taps that give us our lifeblood, there is so much more beneath the surface of our exterior which we show to the world.
 
Our subconscious mind is one so deep, so utterly amazing, so full of wonder, that we may never know just how incredible it is. The feeling of not knowing and the beauty that comes with the adventure of searching deeper and deeper inside myself is something I hope will never end. A search, a journey, a path to follow that perhaps not even our soul knows the final destination to. Even the universe herself cannot predict because the possibilities for change and difference are so vast, they fill that very universe. It makes us mere humans seem so insignificant and yet, like the protons, neutrons and electrons that make up the atoms that create our cells, the building blocks of our very physical beings, we are all so infinitely important. Every single one of us plays our part in the creation of our future and the future of everyone and everything around us.
 
You are important. You are uniquely individual and here to play your part in the rich tapestry of life. Your energy, your focus, your dreams, your life, it means something to every single organism in our universe.  I am taking this on board and understanding it, just a little, allowing it to affect every single thing that I do, think, feel and say in every minute of every moment of every day.
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. That feeling when I have so many amazing things being downloaded from the universe that I can’t sleep.

2. This beautiful spring morning, with a fresh breeze and birds singing. It makes it great to be alive.

3. The meeting with the person whose words started me on this journey. The highs and ultimate low from that encounter, and the singe word uttered, which was the beginning of this most amazing adventure, I know will never end.

4. The understanding that there will be times of sadness and possibly struggle and heartache but the foresight to know that this is the rich tapestry of life and that there could be no highs if it weren't for the lows.

5. The ticking clock in my wonderfully comfortable room in this beautiful home with my chosen family. Reminding me that time waits for no man, and every second that passes is one given back to the universe and only she knows when our last one will be.

 

~ Day 81 ~
 
A hailstorm of a meditation with feelings, emotions, thoughts, and movements all over the place.
 
Understanding that I am the moon, the stars, the sky, and the earth. I am God, I am the universe, I am whoever I want to be. I am not the skin and bone that surrounds my internal organs nor am I only the soul that resides inside of me. I am everything, and I am nothing at all.
 
So much of me needs to just get over myself and so much of me needs to understand I am infinite possibility, all in one living organism. I have so much to give, if I only step away from the innate protector that resides in us all.
 
For me, my success is to be standing on stage, telling my story, inspiring and positively influencing as many people as I possible can.  Then, once I am there, to make sure I have the next goal in sight.
 
Let go of the need to feel loved by someone or anyone else. Feel blessed that it is there but do not be all consumed. Understand I am love, I give love, and ultimately the whole world is my mirror.
 
Be brave, step outside the box, move forward, and trust that the universe has it all worked out. In the end, when I lay on my bed with my final breaths leaving me, what is going to matter most to me? That I remained comfortable my whole life or that I strived, pushed, grew through the pain and the challenges and became a person that inspired a generation to do more, to be more, to give more and to have more?
 
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. I am grateful for my amazing lifestyle, being able to make decisions about my life on a day-to-day basis.

2. Iam grateful for Charlie and the horses, for keeping me sane and focused every day, and for their unwavering love.

3. am grateful to the universe for the lessons she is teaching me, those I do not understand and those I have insight to also.

4. am grateful to my beautiful friend, for keeping my head screwed on with her sanity.

5. am grateful for the sun currently warming my face, the birds singing around me, and the peace that comes when I choose to get out of my head.

 

~ Day 82 ~
 
Just keep writing; that's what I got through today, that, and don't be scared.
 
I love how it can be that simple.
 
Do the things that have been given to you to do and the rest will follow. Just like the Sat Nav analogy. One instruction at a time.  Don't worry about the future, don't concern myself with things outside of my control. Be here, in this moment, and love those around me for who they are and how they positively affect each and every day.
 
Ensure I surround myself with the positive influences I want to emulate.  Those who are meant to be in your life will remain.
 
Treat everyone and everything with the love and respect I want, including, and in fact, most importantly, myself.
 

GRATITUDE
 
1. My beautiful little man, Charlie. How could I not be grateful to have him with me as my little travelling companion!?

2. am grateful for my straightforward, amazing, wonderful friends, who I can be completely me with.

3. I am grateful for the light I feel inside me that today has reignited.

4. I am grateful for my newfound understanding of not getting overwhelmed when things don't go my way.

5. I'm so grateful for the consistency that is my horses, the commitment I have to them, and what that gives me daily.

 

~ Day 83 ~
 
My learning from today was ‘Just get it done’. Procrastination is the killer of dreams. Have conviction in what it is I want to do and get it done. Remember, that my life's’ Sat Nav won't give me the next directive until I have completed the last one. Trust the universe. Listen to my heart and my mind, and know that I know best, I know everything, it's all already inside of me.
 
Today I am doing stuff out of obligation, tomorrow will be the same and it’s my choice to either also get some of my own work done, concentrate on my life and my dream, or waste the time in other people's lives, and on other people's dreams.
  
My time is now. This is it, today in this moment. I can chose to squander it or I can chose to run with the waves, taking the turns that my mind and body are taking me towards and no longer worrying about the ‘what ifs’.
 
If I am to achieve all that I have planned for my life I must be brave. I must do differently than I have done in the past. I will seek out those individuals who can help me to achieve my destiny of helping others, of helping to protect this planet for future generations, and for building the fire inside me, of the fulfilment I am destined for.
 
I will no longer allow the doubting thoughts in my head to overcome the actions that I need to take.
 
What I have done so far has worked just fine. I have so much to give and to be grateful for. Now is the time to grasp all I have learned and take it forward. Give it back to the world and with that, give others the belief and understanding that anything they dream and desire is possible.
  
GRATITUDE
 
1. My ability to learn and grow.

2. My animals for keeping me grounded.

3. My amazingly creative mind.

4. The country I call home, for being a free and open country that allows me to work out what I need to do, to be who I need to be, and to help those who want my help.

5. Everyone I have in my life who is loving and supportive, a blessing for each and every way they impact my life.

 

~ Day 84 ~


A meditation full to the brim with ecstasy, gratefulness and understanding of just how far I have come.

I am thankful for everything;
For breathing.
For living.
For loving.
For my friends.
For my family.
For every single person that crosses my path.
For my dog.
For my horses.
For the sky.
For the birds that sing.
For the clock in my room tick-tocking away, reminding me just how precious life is.
For the bed that I sleep in.
For the comfort of the walls around me.
For my car and the freedom that it gives to me.
For all of the relationships I have had and all of the lessons I have learned from each of them.
For the money in my accounts, giving me peace of mind while I travel this adventurous journey and work out what's next.
For the universe and her ever unbelievable way of keeping me on track to my destiny.
For being me and the uniqueness that I am from head to toe physically, and in every single cell inside of me.
For the challenges I face.
For the easy life that I have had.
For the emotions I feel, the highs and the lows.
For the possessions I have.
For the choices I have.
For my health.
 
Life is truly amazing.

 

~ DAY 85 ~
The realisation that I am so very different from the inside out and yet so much the same is something that brings a level of peace to me that I haven't known before. Understanding the ways I have changed and appreciating the person I now am. Knowing that I have 100% control over my entire life. My decisions are mine to make. My future is mine to create. My emotions are mine to feel. No one else has a right or the ability to affect anything in my life unless I let them.
 
This is so powerful, so completely freeing, so humbling, and so very exciting.
 
Proving to myself that by taking the time out to just listen to myself, acting upon what comes up as swiftly and completely as possible and then accepting the universe's next instructions is the way I am now leading my life. And it feels, well, just right.
 
Do the things that I'm given, with as much urgency as my goals require.
 
Be good and kind to everyone and everything.
 
Be happy, now.
 
Love every moment of every day.
 
Feel.
 
Know that the universe is responding in kind with all that I need in this lifetime.
 
Love.
 
Go confidently in the directions of mydreams.
 
See life through the eyes of a child.
 
Let nature be my companion, my soul food, and my canvas.
  
GRATITUDE
 
1. Iam thankful I live in a society that allows me to spread my wings, find my feet, and become the person I need to be to help this planet be a better place for my children, grandchildren, and many generations to come.

2. I am so very grateful to the beautiful family I live with, for accepting Charlie and me into their home and their lives. 

3. My beautiful horses and fabulous little dog who keep me grounded in the now, who take my love and return it with unconditional love and affection. This must never be taken for granted and is something I must seriously consider as I work out the months ahead spending time here and in other countries.

4. My mum. Forever present. Always supportive. Giving of herself. Loving me unconditionally and should never, ever be taken for granted.

5. For the relationships I have around me.

 

~ Day 86 ~


The roller coaster of life that we are all a part of has many peaks and troughs. By learning to love all of them and having the awareness that both are as valuable as each other, the endless possibilities of my future is clear. 
 
I am so open to what the universe has to offer to me now, knowing that every step I take is a step toward my goal of helping many hundreds of people to realise their own dreams by offering mentorship and providing inspiration.
 
Life is abundant, and the infinite possibilities that are created every day mean that I am so completely in control of my destiny. I can choose everything: my feelings, emotions, thoughts and actions. All will lead me on a slightly different path with each of the choices I make.
 
We are that powerful. That unique. That special.
 
Like being a child on a pavement trying not to step on any cracks, we need to watch where we place every foot fall. Be mindful that each step creates a ripple in our future, and to choose to place our foot only in the direction of our dreams. With confidence, excitement, and surety. 
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. For the friends I have.

2. For the understanding and awareness of myself I now have.

3. For the choices I have available to me.

4. For the air that I breathe.

5. For this journey I am on.

 

~ Day 87 ~
 
My meditation today was stronger than any I had experienced to date.  My whole body involved in bring and building of energy inside of me, like nothing I have ever experienced before.

As I sat on the floor, in the corner of my bedroom, settled on some pillows, my back rested against the cupboard door, I got lost within myself.  I have heard and read some of the experience of Kundalini rising; when awakened, it is said that Kundalini rises up from the root chakra, through the body, reaching the top of the head. Today, I am convinced this is what I experienced.  A mass of warmth, energy and light travelled through me and brought with it a sense of knowing, calmness and complete trust in myself and all that I have been searching for.

The experience brought with it utter belief, no, complete understanding that I am everything I desire of myself, perfect as I am.  With this came intellectual proof from the last few months too;

Proven: The interviews I have been invited to, and taken part in.
Proven: How engrossed the audience was when I spoke got on stage at the Evolving Out Loud event.
Proven: When I make a decision to do something, I do it.
Proven: How much I am loved by so many people.
Proven: How much I care, for everyone and everything.
 
I am all that I am and all I need to be.
 
  
GRATITUDE
 
1. For the way the universe brings me exactly what I need at exactly the right moment.

2. My mum. She is amazing. An incredible source of inspiration, work ethic, and tenacity.

3. My friends, who spark my creativity every single day. 

4. My beautiful soulmate, she is the female love of my life, and I remember that every day.

5. For the awakening that I am everything I need and want to be right now, and it's that knowing which will enable me to do everything I have set out in front of me.

 

~ Day 88 ~

It's happening; it's well and truly happening. I am feeling the shift and setting the foundation. The doors are opening. The opportunities are presenting themselves. All I have to do is keep doing what I have been doing and I know life is going to continue in this amazing vein.
 
Within the next 126 days I will be officially trained by Tony Robbins, Chloe Madanes and their team. I will have something official that I can put against my name, which will ensure that I can hold my head high when asked, 'What do you know?' I will learn strategies, gain insights, and I have a proven formula to follow that will enable me to reach out to those who are looking for help.
 
The retreat venue is booked!! Four nights in a beautiful golf resort apartment in the mountains of Southern California, with twelve bedrooms and ample space, inside and out, for attendees to find themselves and gain clarity for their futures. A plan is beginning to formulate itself.
 
New thoughts and ideas for my books. Rekindling my passion and drawing me back to the writing. What I hadn't realised was that the dullness and unease I was feeling was because I wasn't writing from me, my heart, or my experiences. 
  
Consideration for my creation of ‘The Amazon Project’; To create and build a foundation with the focus of purchasing and protecting 500 acres, in the first instance, of Amazonian Rainforest, securing it from destruction and devastation. Funds to be drawn from my earnings over the coming weeks, months and years. 
 
I am feeling love, I am cherished, and I respected and this is enveloping me with a peace and allows me to concentrate on everything I now have going on.
 
My task now is to keep everything organised. Give everything appropriate amounts of time. Continue to meditate every day, write about my experiences, and show the world that by going into yourself you can heal yourself and help to heal the world too.  
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. This meditation routine of waking at 6am, in a sight dream state, meaning I am completely open to the 5th dimension and not fighting the wobble in my head.

2. My soul mate. She is an example to me and an inspiration. She is the person I want to impress by the work I do and the money I bring in and have flow through me. I want to show her how her and her family believing in me and giving me space to grow during this last year, has enabled me to create a life that I can flourish in. And then able to help others flourish too. 

3. Having the freedom to make my own choices, follow my path, listen to my inner self, and create my dream life. It is precious, and knowing I will be able to help transform others’ lives is beyond exciting.

4. Charlie, Reuben and Albert, amazing souls who brighten my life and keep me grounded at the same time. They are my world.

5. My brother and ad sister-in-law.  Though I don’t make enough time to see them, they are always in my heart and mind.

 

~ Day 89 ~
 
Taking ownership: Today I realised that by taking ownership of everything in my life I will, by definition, become the conductor to my very own orchestra.
 
The retreat, for instance. The venue is now booked and paid for. ‘Book it and they will come’...? Perhaps, or, book it and then let people know about it, as if it was the tenth one we had run. Own the idea, the philosophy, the strategic interventions that I'll be utilising, the meditation techniques, the food we will be consuming, the way that it runs, all as if it had been done over and over again before.
 
Take away the feeling of newness, of uncertainty, of what-ifs, and replace them with pure and utter ownership of the whole entire event, how I feel about it and my expectations. That is what will bring the participants.
 
Then, tell the world, pick the demographic, and get the word out.
 
As with everything else, I will take this project one step at a time. I don’t need to over analyse everything and worry about something yet to present itself, I just need to know how to do what is needed today.
 
On the same subject of taking ownership, I am completely and utterly in control of how I think, feel, and react in any given situation. 100% responsible for everything in my life and how I perceive everything too.
  
I heard recently that, 'You can sit cross-legged, chant affirmations, hold crystals, and wait for life to come your way - most of which is all hocus pocus marketing, anyway. Or, you can work your butt off to create the life you want.'
 
You know what I believe? In fact not just what I believe, but what I know? I know that the 'hocus pocus stuff' is actually the area we need to give the biggest percentage of our time to. The information, creativity, ideas, and events that come from the ‘hocus-pocus stuff’, added to specific and mindful action, can only lead us on the path of our dreams.
 
It can not be one thing or the other, it can only come from both. 
 
Everything is energy: the birds, the trees, the sky, the chair I’m sitting on, the clothes I wear, me, you and everyone and everything in our universe. What comes from us affects everything. Everything, has a cause and effect outcome.
 
Put the wheels in motion, start moving consciously and confidently in the direction of our dreams. Set our sights and don't let others derail us. It’s our dream; that's why it was given to us. Others may not be able to see it, but that's ok. It's not their dream!
 
GRATITUDE
 
1. To the universe for the path that she has allowed me to find.

2. For the hurt that I have felt and the journey I have had so far which has enabled me to be where I am today.

3. For all the people I am helping or will help by being on this journey.

4. For Rob, my study buddy. He is every bit the amazing guy I thought he was when we first got in contact.

5. For the spiritual consultant I went to see; the work she has given me is enabling me to see the person I was as a little girl and know that she is who I still am today. 

 

~ Day 90 ~
 
DAY NINETY!
 
Wow, day 90 of meditation, 105 actual days since I started this amazing process and what a journey it has been. Mentally, emotionally and physically.
 
This morning I covered 40 minutes at the yard with the horses and was gifted with the next area to focus on; a free 30-minute pre-session video call for prospective clients.  
Giving something for nothing. The basis of everything that I am now; give first, without expectation. Learn my trade, outside of my natural ability, and everything else will come easily.
 
To understanding that not every thought I have is a definitive. If that were the case life would be a complete muddle.  Allow the thoughts to come and when they align in my body and my heart I will know it’s the path to continue to follow.
 
I have many adventures ahead of me, borne from a journey that started 8 months ago, and I am beyond excited by all those I am aware of and all those I am yet to get to know. What I do know is this journey of self-discovery has been beyond my expectations. My growth mentally and spiritually has been greater than I knew was possible, and that's the beauty of delving into something when you don't know the outcome. Why would you want to know the outcome!? How boring would that be!?
 
I have made space to sit now for at least another 40 minutes.  No expectations, no questions to answer.  Sitting in my car with my puppy in the back, the sunshine beating through the open door. Warm on my arms and yet it's only 16 degrees outside. I’m in a motorway service station on my way to see a colleague who has become a friend. Someone I believe will continue to be in my life in both ways as I journey through this next step in to public speaking.  Then on to my brother. I look forward to telling him about the spiritual consultant and the insights she had of him, to find out if she was on track with the information she gave to me about his journey. 


So much information coming through! Oh my goodness, I must continue to remember what can happen when there are no expectations of my meditations.  I have been given further developments regarding having a manager, how that will ensure I can focus on what I'm good at while also giving to someone else. This sits perfectly with the flow of money to and then through me. Perfect!  Also, how having a manager will mean I can continue with my dream of working from anywhere in the world. 
Considerations of how I can both impact, and be impacted by people I help along my journey, books that I will right, those that I will improve and others’ that are not for my writing. 
 
Utilising the abilities of others instead of trying to do everything myself. Knowing where I am best suited to focus my efforts and allowing others to shine in their abilities.  
In short, focus on putting energy into my gifts and let others bask in the glory of their own gifts. Don't waste time doing things that belong to other people’s journey. 

Above all else, love and be loved, and enjoy every single step along the way.

 
GRATITUDE

For life itself.

Returning to me ~ Days 57 to 75 ~

Returning to me

 

You remember it, don’t you? That time in your past.

When the little girl you, got lost on her path.

When from happy and carefree, to lonely and sad,

you stepped into darkness, not knowing you had.

 

You know that she’s in there, you just don’t know how,

to coax her back out, to the life you have now.

To give her the blessings, you’ve learned all these years

and together go forward, without all the tears.

 

That little girl lost, was there all along.

She just needed your help, your brightness, your song.

She hadn’t gone far, right there by your side,

patiently waiting, the day has arrived.

 

Now take hands together, go conquer the world.

Spreading love, light and laughter as only you could.

To see other’s faces as you tell them it’s true.

Believe in those miracles, you too can be you.

 

******

~ Days 57 to 75 ~

And so began the next adventure, the leap into the unknown. To a place I had preconceived I would not like, a concrete jungle full of disingenuous people with an overall sense of fakery, but somewhere I felt I was compelled to visit and was looking forward to finding out why.

As it turned out, I was completely wrong, of course, and I fell in love with Los Angeles pretty much the moment I touched down at LAX. The vastness of the city drew me in; the backdrop of the mountains to the north was simply stunning, contrasted by the ocean to the south and of course, the weather was fabulous (well, most of the time!) and to top it off, almost everybody I encountered was beautiful, genuine, friendly, and open.

I learned so much on my trip, saw some of the most amazing sights, and left a piece of my heart there when the plane took off at the end of my amazing adventure. I met some truly amazing people who I am now proud to call my friends, and I learned just how far I had come at that point while understanding just how far this journey of never-ending self-improvement had yet to take me.

It is an episode in my life I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. I am so pleased that it occurred during the writing of these meditation memoirs.

The 18 days of meditation encountered here, which actually span four weeks of the adventure, began with the seminar I had chosen to be my catalyst for taking the leap. It was the most perfect way to start my time in Los Angeles. I got to meet some of those amazing people, for the first time, forging friendships that now touch my heart every day.

I began the process of physically writing down my manifestations, which gave me the true understanding of what I was striving for was to be able to give back to the world. To take me to a place where I could look back on my time here on this planet secure in the knowledge that I had made a difference and helped many people along the way.

I also chose to change my meditation practice and leave behind the guided meditation, feeling I was in a place where I was able to sit and truly allow the thoughts and feelings to come to me and run through me, the noise having left with all of the work that I had done. The fog had lifted, much of the past had been dealt with, and this allowed the 'downloads' to begin. Space had been made within in me, like a wardrobe, post spring clear out, for me to accept with vigour the suggestions that started to come to me through my meditations.


*****

~ Day 57 ~

Today was the end and the beginning, as I decided to no longer follow the guided mediation, and to allow whatever now needed to come to me, to come.  I was returning to me, pure and absolutely love.

After travelling back from France, spending a few days in the UK, travelling out to California and then a weekend seminar with Kyle Cease, this is my first proper time of writing.

I have been meditating and today felt like I was properly back in the zone and in a place of pure love, understanding, and acceptance for me and the 'stuff' that needed to come out.

This past weekend was mind-blowing on a number of levels.

Having arrived in Los Angeles on Thursday evening, I re-acquainted with the man I had met a few months earlier, settled into my apartment, took time out to get over the jet lag before heading out to get my tattoo on the Friday afternoon.  I am so pleased with it.  T is beautiful and simple and means everything it is supposed to, to me.

Then came the first day of the Evolving Out Loud event, on the Saturday. Oh my goodness, it was utterly mind-blowing. I met a number of amazing people - with that fourteen hundred people in a room, nearly all striving to better themselves or to understand their path more appropriately, I guess it can’t be anything less than amazing energizing. One person I specifically connected with was a lady called Katherine, who lives here in LA, her path is to spread joy - to help people reconnect from within. She is also a world-class nutritionist and her whole story completely resonated with me and where I am on my path of veganism and understanding what works, and what doesn’t work for me and my body - a never ending learning in itself it seems.

I had read on the Friday night that the dress code was 'casual' and to 'wear what you love’ but I decided to stick to wearing my blue dress and heels.  I had decided on thi outfit as it fit with the visualisations I had been having during my meditations, of being on stage in that dress.

On Saturday afternoon we conducted an exercise that Kyle, the organiser, calls 'Kylego', where you visualise a moment from your future as if it already happened months ago and you fill in all of the amazing things that have occurred during that time. As soon as Katherine started talking me through her visualisations, I knew we were connected.  She spoke of connecting with people, meeting and helping others from the story of her own journey. She reminisced of holding a retreat of kindness, health, meditation, nutrition, self awareness - I was hooked!

We had been told that after the first part of the exercise there would be a second part, where each of us would need to have listened to our partners intently to be able to conduct it properly. To demonstrate this, one of the event team were brought on stage before Kyle walked down off of the stage and plucked a member of the audience to participate in the demonstration.  That audience member was me!!  

It could not have been more perfect.  To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement, but once I got my voice and slowed down so the audience could understand my clipped British accent, I told them about my visualisation of being here in this exact space and time, before getting down to the exercise in hand, which too blew my mind.

The exercise consisted of me telling my partner all of the amazing things that had happened in the last month, as per our manifestation exercise, and then they were to repeat that back to me as if they had seen it all.  Adding colour and reality to the manifestation.  On top of the fact this was all happening on stage, in front of fourteen hundred people, what this did for me was completely settle in my mind what everyone has been telling me for years, and what I have actually known all of my life: that I am everything I have been visualising in my guided meditations: kind, genuine, honest, open, caring, confident, courageous, and most importantly, love and light.

Once off stage and after completing the exercise with Katherine, I had a number of people come up to me and say amazing things about my energy, my voice, and how amazing I was, this included being invited on to a radio show!

I am beyond grateful to have experienced this, and I will now do my part in keeping my side of the deal with the universe and go out there and inspire others to find their light.

I will contact Christine today about the radio slot, and I will also contact everyone else I have details for to touch base and build my network of amazingly talented, heartfelt individuals to ask them: How Can I Help You?

Sunday was equally beautiful, listening to others stories, seeing their transformations, meditating, more mind blowing exercises, more meditating, and generally understanding that I am love, I have open-ended acceptance, and I have complete awareness.

Today's meditation brought up some suggestions for the way forward, one of which is to offer the listeners of the radio show one of 30 free one hour ‘listening’ slots through my coaching business. Where I ask specific questions, listen intently to the reply, and then speak that reply back to them in their words before having them tell me what they heard and understood.

I also have visions of a Joy, Love and Light retreat with Katherine - great food, fun, inspiration, and enlightenment through exercises and meditation over a three-day period where people pay what they feel they can afford for such an event.

I have my website to remodel very quickly, and I also have the old business to resign from and my other businesses to step away from.

It has become very clear that I must keep and follow what is, and what feels light - to discard all that feels heavy and disjointed.

Perhaps not easy but very straightforward and so very simple too.  

‘When we are on the edge of our comfort zone and tip over the other side we often laugh or cry - this is the body releasing to the expansion of our comfort zone’ - Kyle Cease

 

~ Day 58 ~

Another amazing 24 hours, where people and opportunities are falling into my space and state.

I am meeting up with Katherine this week, the lady I worked with at the event, I am organising to speak on Christine's radio show, and I still have so much more following up to do from the weekend—it’s exciting!

Today I have so many thoughts about me, my business, how it’s all going to work, what I need to get going with, and the way it could transitio. This is what I am going to focus on now.

I am also adding the manifestation, as per the 'Kylego' exercise, to my meditations as I committed to doing so every day for 90 days, at the Evolving Out Loud  event.

 

~ Day 59 ~

All emotions are good emotions… today my meditation time came to me, rather than me to it as I felt the bubble of emotions start raising to the surface and noticed that I was trying to suppress it rather than let it come up.

There were no BFO’s (Blinding Flashes of the Obvious), no 'Do This', or 'Don’t Do This'. It was just waves of thoughts, emotions, and visuals that I allowed to come to me and pass through me.

I certainly found myself trying to make sense of different things and when I noticed I was doing this, again I allowed the thoughts to come to me and through me.

There was a realisation that the things I had been previously visualising regarding my personality, were apparent on stage this past weekend to those in the audience and it is that which I will take forward.

I have so much to do and yet I am allowing myself to be preoccupied doing unimportant 'stuff'. I have become obsessed with my website and simply need to complete it or delegate it.

'The Listening Programme' is the name I have put to my coaching process - or perhaps it should be 'The Listening Process'. Ohhhh… maybe that’s it?

Three parts:

> The client speaking with few but particular questions from me

> The client listening to what they said, and giving comment as a third party

> the client continuing to listen to themselves.

This will also include two 15-minute follow-ups and a meditation guide to follow that focuses only on looking at a positive, fulfilled, enriched, abundant future, as if it has happened, and with gratitude for everything

All based on our ability to often be able give others great advice but struggle with ourselves, and with a true appreciation that the answers are within us all, if we are prepared to listen.

Much more to come here but with the radio show coming up early next week, I will get it all into a state of flow so that I am confident of the content.

Two things happened yesterday. While out for a meal with Katherine and some people she knows, we were all asked to tell everyone who we were, where we were from and what we do.  It was a relief to be able to state that I help people to find their light, using their individual and unique story to source patterns from the past, enabling them to design their future.

The other thing was I was asked me how I was going to go about earning my goal monthly income. Though I got defensive and a little uptight initially, I answered the question but am aware I was projecting disbelief - something I need to keep working on!

It is amazing how the ego can work for and against me and that it is my job to guide it, like a child, on our path and to comfort it when it gets scared and starts trying to deflect us and take us off course.

 

~ Day 60 ~
 
Today was about simply staying in the game. I have a busy day ahead so just taking the time out for me meant battling with my ego telling me I had so much to do.

I had some great insight into taking The Listening Project forward I now know that I have the content inside of me for the landing page for this; I shall create it as I would the intro to one of my books.
 
I am excited to be meeting with Katherine today and know that we will get the ball rolling for our first retreat in July. We just have to bite the bullet with it and if she’s not on board then I will have to do it myself! 
Worries and concerns came up about my puppy as I haven’t heard back from Dad; hopefully he just didn’t get my message.
 
Thoughts too about my book - 90 Days of Meditation Part II—a book setting out a full 90 days of meditation for people to follow, based on the processes I followed  with what to expect, how to deal with different aspects - just a simple 'How-To' guide that will fall in line with 'The Listening Project'. I can offer the course at a discount to anyone who buys the book! 
 
Though I am putting greater importance on this book, as I sit here writing on day 59! This has also refocused me on the importance of my other books. I am considering giving all of the sales proceeds from my book, Vegan?, to the charity I have in mind  as my first impact to helping the Amazon, and therefore the world. 

  
~ Day 61 ~
 
There was a great deal of noise around during my meditation today, from builders working, neighbours going about their busy days, and quite a lot of traffic noise, so I did my best to not allow it to distract me.  I wouldn’t say I did a fantastic job but I definitely did ok.

I was able to accept everything around me and still be at peace while meditating. I’m sure it would be very different to have been completely silence, but that’s not real life and the fact that I can sit and be with myself while everything is going on around me is testament to just how far I have come.
 
There were a few things that came up that made me smile, and also more information on my work;

 ‘The Listening Retreat', to include three deep meditations and visualisations daily, creative activities and fantastic nutritional content for meal times.
The excitement is building around these ideas and visualising them in more detail is the next step.
  
It also came to me to look again at the Robbins-Madanes courses.  I feel this could be the next step I need to take to give myself a foundation on which to grow along my own path.

Finally, I’m really proud of the way I handled a situation last night.  It showed me again the distance I have come, where I caught myself starting to go into a sulk, I called it out in my head for what it was and then took some time to work out why I reacted that way before choosing to see things differently. 

 

~ Day 62 ~
 
I remember when a 20 minute meditation session seemed like it lasted forever. Not anymore! I had a shortened session this evening because I didn’t sit down until late in the afternoon and was heading out to supper.  It was my choice to shorten my time and I accept that for today. All part of learning how to be the best I can be for me, in real time.

The thoughts that were strongest during this shorter session were those of me being able to control of how I feel about going home on April 28th.  Bring here in LA and all that it encompases is an amazing adventure, the third I have had in the last six months.  I don’t feel at all ready to be heading back to perceived ‘normality’ in a few short weeks but I can decide to be in control of how these thoughts affect my state.
 
 
 
~ Day 63 ~
 
I made the decision today to make staying in LA or going back to the UK the right decision. Both options have their positives and I am only going to allow myself to focus on these aspects from this point forward, not allowing myself get bogged down with the ‘what if’s’, staying present and working with what I have right in front of me.

By learning to live in the now, I am allowing myself to be free of all things that have plagued my mind-set and from this, something else that came up for my work today was; ‘The Listening Project; Release your past, design your future and learn to live in the now’ Something I can put more meat on to as the next days and weeks go by.  Helping others to enjoy the present moment by setting down the sacks of regret or sadness from the past while working today to ensure their future is everything they hope it will be.
 
A new truth dawned on me while working out my schedules to talk to the guys back in the UK. Being eight hours behind the UK it takes a little planning to communicate properly and while I at time had internally berated those I was wanting to speak to here, while I was back in Europe, it dawned on me today that while I was having moments of lack of self worth, the people I was worried weren’t wanting to talk to me were having their own battles with everyday life and scheduling.
 
I can feel my old patterns creeping in at times and the old mind-set trying to take over the present situation: the neediness, the desire to be fulfilled by someone or something else outside of myself.  

The past isn’t just about a few years ago, or a few months ago; it’s when I started writing today's notes, or the words I have just written. These moments right now will never come around again so every single moment is both precious and a new beginning, if I chose to allow it to be. 
 
Part of the manifesting I have been doing has included my creation of my 'Homeless People of LA Project'. I found a way, in today's meditation session, to start this right now by ensuring that I always have some sort of cash on me, some food of some description (cereal bars/coffee/ sandwich) and my phone charged. That way if I come across someone homeless I can stop, take some time to speak to them, and offer them a small part of what I have to offer. This will also be amazing practice for me and will help me step outside of my comfort zone, but more importantly, taking a moment to stop and speak with someone might just make a difference. 
 
I sit here in this apartment wondering where I am going to lay my head come May, while knowing that I have a place to go, whatever happens. I can afford to stay wherever I want, at least for a reasonable period of time. I have no idea what it must be like to be truly homeless, with no money and no clue how to get out of that situation or what it would entail. Where would you sleep, what would you eat, where would you go? How do you get to that place, what stories lie behind the many situations?
 
I have some warning signals going off in my head, but I will put myself in danger or go anywhere out of public sight. I will just sit awhile and talk with anyone who would like to tell me their story and perhaps plant a seed of hope in their minds that will make a difference in that moment.
 

 ~ Day 64 ~
 
Today was an example of why I should look to give myself my time, in my own time, or use earphones to help block out the outside world. Why not make something easier if I can! I can of course meditate with someone else in the house, or with the noises of the outside world going on around me, but I don't have to do that. So next time, I will utilise either my earphones or move myself to a place where I can settle more peacefully.
 
I am feeling so much more settled today about going home. I’ve not made any decisions or had thought processes that create a positive viewpoint for it other than knowing that the right path will lay itself out in front of me when the timing is right, and I will either get on that plane, or I won't.
 
I have made the decision to not hold back for fear of rejection or of making a fool of myself. 100% or nothing; It’s the fastest way to finding out if you’re on the right path!
 
Why go at something at 75% and take 6 months to know if you’re on the right path, when you can go at 100% and find out quickly. As long as I am being 100% true to me along the way, which I question on a daily basis, going through this process.


~ Day 65 ~
Sixty minutes of meditation at 02:30 after lying awake for way too long and coming to the realisation that I had one of those recurring thoughts in my head and was never going to get some sleep.   It really helped me to settle, for my mind to find some peace, and I was pleasantly surprised when my hour and 5 minute alarm went off and I was able to drift beautifully back to sleep.  

I then had an additional forty minute session this afternoon at a friends house. During this meditation I was certain someone, an older person, spoke to me in Spanish, which is a little unnerving as no-one like that was in the house!

I was though able to truly take myself out of my body. Reminding myself to use body language too, if only for one minute a day, to change state and boost the mind-set.
 
It’s such an interesting process dealing with all of the emotions that creep up from my past while knowing that living in the moment is the only place to reside, enjoying the here and now, and being completely open to whatever comes up.
 
There was a moment that came up about my proverbial ticking 'clock', that whatever will be, will be.  If I am meant to have a baby, or indeed children in my life, it will happen.  

Enlightenment - Did anyone ever say it was easy? 

I’ve found it really interesting to realise that the apartment I am staying in has a very different feel to it than other places I have visited while I have been here, and not in a good way.  I definitely won’t be staying there again.
 
 
~ Day 66 ~
 
I meditated as soon as I arrived back at my apartment having visited spiritualist I had been recommended to, by my book buddy Rob.  It was an interesting meeting, feeling something close to both therapy (what I know of it) and enlightenment.
 
She definitely 'got' me and I liked her vibe from the moment I arrived and while the sceptical side of me figured she could have gotten a some of the information she spoke of, from my Facebook page, my true self believes that isn't the case.  It was emotional and a little overwhelming but I am glad I went. I will follow her suggestions and see where it takes me. There nothing to lose in so doing.

Things that came up today were to keep opening up and becoming more true to me. Continuing my journey to becoming the best me I can be, for me. Put me first. Go home, and then decide what happens next; US, UK, France, Amsterdam.
 
My soul’s path is to be creatively producing - writing, helping people with their creative businesses, mentoring - not so much the life coaching as this is too much about giving of myself.
 
Know that I have another two years of growth ahead of me and that motherhood is in my future. Maybe or maybe not through giving birth myself, but I will be a Mum. 
 
Don’t confine myself to the patterns of old.

It was an emotional start to the meditation as all types of tears needing to come out, but I’m glad that they did, as I feel amazing now and also pleased that it wasn’t crazy crying, just what needed to be. 

  
~ Day 67 ~
 
Taking some time out in the car today I chose to listen on loop to the full version of Aloha Ke Akua by Nahko Bear and Medicine for the people.  I fell in love with them while in Peru and this particular song resounds right through my body, whenever I listen to it. It was so peaceful, relaxing, and wonderful. Nothing particularly amazing came though other than a complete feeling of serenity.
 
The song takes me back to the beginning of my journey and always manages to put my brain back in the right place. 
 
Later, I had a wonderfully full and deep meditation, with no sound other than my own breath.
 
Once again taken by thoughts of my return to the UK, and continued considering of the Robbins-Madanes course. It is feeling ever more the way I will go but I’m not yet certain enough - until then I will keep it as a consideration only. It’s not going anywhere so will be available should I decide to go for it. 


~ Day 68 ~
 
Taking the time out every single day, working it all out, making space, and just being me.  Stopping the noise inside my head, allowing the rest of the world to drift away and simply be with yourself.
 
The message that came through today was to just get on with it! Take what I have and what I know now, and run with it. Work out what I can do right now, right this minute, that will make a difference to my earning potential in the future.
 
Considering the Robbins-Madanes course yet again and the value it will give me to my business. Researching others who have taken the course and done well with it, and also whether it would be more prudent to attend one of Tony Robbins’ events instead, and whether that be any more beneficial than the course I am attending in December, in Vegas, that he will be speaking at. 
 

 ~ Day 69 ~

Today my meditation turned in to sleep. I considered fighting it for a while and then just let myself go. I was surprised, when I woke, that it was just before my alarm went off, but I woke with a mixed sense of both peace and uncertainty, which is interesting though also seems to be becoming a pattern for Mondays.

So I am going to accept that for today, this is how I am going to feel, and take from it what I can.
 
I am back in to the writing zone, which is a great place to be having been a little lost these past few weeks. Remembering to just write, knowing that I can go back and edit things once I have finished the first draft, is definitely helping me to get going again.
 

~ Day 70 ~
Meditating in the park, in the beautiful warm Californian sunshine, today, was a complete privilege and certainly not something to be taken for granted.

A lot came up today, including; speaking to the owner of the apartment I am staying in, to find out if it is free for another month, searching for some appropriate locations to hold a retreat and to check their availability for later this year, changing the basis of The Listening Project and reducing pricing, and also the consideration of offering a scholarship where people email their story to me in the form of a video and I work with them for free.
 
I’m not ready to go home. It's pretty obvious. I can't think of a single reason why I have to go yet, and only money as to why I can't stay.  Which, quite frankly, isn’t good enough. 
 
  
~ Day 71 ~
 
Meditating in the car again today.  I came to the blindingly obvious conclusion that I was not giving myself the attention I deserved and was squeezing mediation into my life rather than squeezing my life around my meditation! 
 
Anyway, more thoughts today of following through with The Listening Project, and getting it out in the open.  That it can be anything I want it to be - it doesn't have to be what first came through. Therefore, it is now more about mentoring than it is coaching and makes sense now why I have been unsure about taking the Robbins-Madanes course, and about calling myself a 'coach'.
 

~ Day 72 ~
My meditation this morning was exactly what I needed to start my day, focused on the emphasis that everyone and everything is love. That we are all doing the best we can with what we have and even when we can’t understand the reasoning of others, perhaps through simply not understanding, this doesn’t make our version of the word correct, or truth for others.
 
To focus on continuing along my path, to be the best version of myself and accepting that I am perfect as I am, right in the moment,  also means to accept that everyone else is also perfect, right now in this moment.
 
I know I’m on the right path, that with every step I take I am enhancing my life and able to positively influence those I come into contact with.

As considerations turn to my return to the UK I am filling my thoughts with positive intentions knowing too that I will be very sad to leave LA.  In the same way I was sad to leave France.  It will be the end of an amazing adventure and the beginning of the next. 
 
I cannot help but wonder when I will be back in California, if I ever will be.  Right now though, I need to continue falling in love with myself, to the height of emotion I have previously only ever given to others.

 

~ Day 73 ~
To the beach today, a beautiful beach called Crystal Cove.  After a breakdown at the apartment, feeling a lack of control and the old negative emotions burning inside about being unloved.  A flashback of emotions, of needing to be loved by someone else, when I know it is me that needs to love me, completely. 
 
It's beautiful here, reminds me of home, which strikes me as the first time I've considered the UK as home, for some time now.
  
Only I can make a difference in my world. Having the support of someone else or not is irrelevant. Even when it comes to children,  in this day and age, I could make that happen (if my body is able) without anyone else too.  
 
I must let ito, if only for this moment, and see where it takes me.
 
Magal, the spiritualist, asked me if I'd ever felt loved the way I thought I ought to; my answer was no. My fear rises when I consider this love may never come, and it's then that I realise, it is only by me loving myself completely, that it will ever become truly possible.
 
This is an incredible time in my life and I am so grateful to have this opportunity to change my course, to lay a new road ahead, and to tread a path I would have never before considered possible, had things been different.
 
I am grateful for all of the people I have met in my life, and I am excited by what the future holds now because I know, in my soul, I will fulfil all of my hopes and dreams.
 
I feel somewhat like I have been in, and am now graduating from, an apprenticeship of life, that my first 40 years were always meant to be this way so that I could finally break the habits of lives gone by. To stop going around in circles and start to straighten the path for my soul, in this body and for many lifetimes to come.
 
The universe has allowed me these gifts of pure and unadulterated love and compassion so that I can do my bit to help make this earth a better place for having had me here, in this lifetime. 
 
I ask the universe now to help clear my head of the concern of funds. To assist me in believing that there is a clear path of income ahead so I can set those concerns aside and concentrate on the doing, and being of everything I need to be.
 
Now it's time for the next chapter to begin. 
 
 
~ Day 74 ~
 
It feels like I’ve had the first proper meditation in days. My headphones on, and my own meditation music playing, (I had some created for me via a fabulous chap on Fiverr) I completely submerged in to my own world for over an hour.
 
So much stuff bumbled around, allowing the ebb and flow of my thoughts to work their way through me.
 
I know in my bones now that going back to the UK is the right thing and that everything is on its path. The old business is ending, I  finally have end date of mid-May, and that will be it.  That chapter will finally be closed. It is the most amazing feeling! 
 
I met with Rob, my book buddy, again today and this has spurred my creativity and reminds me how much I need to be around people like him.
 
Also, I have a picture in my head of my perfect space, a loft-type environment where I can paint, write, create, and have my animals. 
 
I listened again both to Kyle Cease’s CD and to my session with Magal, noting the homework questions she gave to me, and picking up on the pottery and sexual awareness classes she recommended I also look into. I've a lot to work on here and I'm looking forward to giving myself that space.
 
I know I will come back to LA in August, there is time to look at my retreat ideas again.
 
I've so much to do, so many ideas to investigate.  This is why it is absolutely right that I am leaving here, for now.
 
I can look forward now, to what the next few weeks has in store. To catching up with friends and family. To seeing my horses and little dog Charlie, spending time just 'being', in the fields with them, now that the weather is warming up. Remembering I have choices, that when I no longer have the old business to tie me to a desk, I can literally be anywhere and still work on my books, my writing, and myself.
 
This voyage of self-discovery continues, though it has evolved so much, the road ahead is beautifully long. This is not about becoming a better me; I am perfect as I am, this is about learning to love myself completely, so that the very best of me has space to come out.
 
So much of what Magal said makes sense and rings true, and yet nothing she said was so out of the ordinary as to make me question it. I look forward to what following her advice has to bring me.
 
I have more cocooning to do; the butterfly is not yet ready to emerge. Perhaps another six months, maybe another twelve, eighteen or twenty four. Time will tell but right now I know in my cocoon is the right place for me to be.
 
Three to four weeks in the UK, at least, then maybe on to Holland, and then, who knows! Before heading back to the UK, returning to LA, on to China, and then Vegas at the end of the most amazing year.

 

~ Day 75 ~
 
My meditation today was beautiful. Just peace in its purest form,  listening to the chimes of the music and letting myself go completely. No big revelations, just an underlying feeling of happiness, despite the other everpresent emotions. Who knows what the future holds, but I leave LA and return to the UK with a beautiful feeling of hope, happiness, joy and excitement about my future.

My last day in LA. I did ok emotionally until departures and well, then I just let the tears flow. It is absolutely right that I'm heading back to the UK. I have stuff I need to do and I need to work on me and my dreams, not drop myself into another man’s world.
 
The trick will be working out what that dream is, or more to the point, what I'm going to do about it. So here begins the next 'chapter'.

Working out how to build a successful business serving others, enabling me to be completely independent of any other person, so that I can be everything to the one person I know in my heart is out there waiting for me. When the time is right. 
 
Is it writing my path? Time again will tell. How many books do I need to write? As many as it takes! I've started a process I want to explore, and I believe I have a talent for reaching into people's hearts and touching them, so that is what I am going to do.
 
I know this will take me around the world, will earn me enough to pay my way, and will ensure that I am able to help as many people as I possibly can.   
 
*****
 
I could not have predicted just how perfect my time in LA was. The people, places, adventures, sights, sounds, and feelings that at times took over my whole body were all so magnificent.
 
I expanded, grew emotionally, and learned to trust and love myself more as each day went by.
 
The realisation of dreams coming true, forging forward with actions that would later affect the course of my life, trusting that everything happens for a reason and slowly but surely beginning to understand that there is a huge difference between wanting something, needing something, and attaching to something.
 
It was time to go 'home'.

Breaking the habit of being myself ~ Days 20 to 56

Breaking the Habit of Being Myself

 

You sat and you wondered and pondered and such

If this life was, well worth it, or simply too much

The ride that your body, your mind and your soul

Subjected you to was certainly not dull

Out of the shadows you drew yourself forth

You started to realise you were here for the course

The brightness within you, it needed to shine

And what others were seeing, you too, this first time

Awareness behold, to master we must

For this truly begins the changes in us.

 

~ Days 20 to 56 ~

The following six-and-a-half weeks saw my meditation practice take on a very different format. Following direction from the book and guided meditation of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza brought a structure and an understanding to the process that I hadn’t realised was even possible.

The basic format focused on understanding my past, having awareness for the personality habits that were less than helpful, realising the person I could be if I so chose, and then focusing on the character traits that would see me emerge as the person I had actually always been.

Manifestation became a big part of the daily routine, and I detail on day 57 just how impactful that was for me as one of my manifestations became reality.

These six weeks saw my time in France come to an end, for the moment.  Leaving behind the sanctuary and security I had found and where ultimately, I had started to find myself.

 

*****

~ Day 20 ~

Wow, I am in a state of euphoria. Literally the excitement about my future and my ability to manifest who I really am is mind-blowing. I feel like I am on cloud nine from a 1hr 40 minute guided meditation by Joe Dispenza on Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.

I started reading the book when I arrived here and a few days ago began the induction part of the meditations. Today I listened all the way through and although I have not read the rest of the book, which I will do today to ensure I am getting everything possible from it, it was beyond anything I have experienced yet in my meditations, everything I knew I could be, and more!

For the first 20 minutes I worked through levelling down to a true meditative state, then to I brought to the forefront  the mind-set and emotions that have held me back, before working on changing those thought patterns, and finally to manifesting the new me through gratitude of the experience as if it had already happened.

So powerful. I am not sure I can find the words but as Dr Dispenza states can be the case, I got up from the couch a different person than the one who sat down.

I’m in a state, with the most amazing energy inside of me.  I don’t recall ever having felt like this before. If this is the difference these guided meditations has, it can only have an improving effect on everything for me.

I had been in a pretty level state before I started, working things out in my head about relationships and my neediness. When I finished my meditation though, I had nothing but love and gratitude inside, excitement about life, and a true knowing that the universe will bestow on me everything that I am prepared to work for.

So exciting, my typing is frantic as I attempt to put down on paper the feelings and emotions that I have inside with a sense of both urgency and wonder.

I can literally be whoever I want to be. I just need to learn the science behind the why and gain guidance on the how.

Just amazing, truly amazing, and I cannot wait to find out what sign the universe has for me that we are having a two-way conversation.  I’m sure that reads a bit insane but with an understanding that everything is energy and everything affects everything.

I am beyond excited. I know, I’ve written this already but it’s worth repeating right now. The future is just amazing. The future is now, and it is amazing.

My business is growing. I am independent from anyone else, resulting in my choices in life being made from love and a desire to be with people to enable me to give that love and nothing else.

I no longer have the requirement for the income from the old business I have been with for 16 years. To have the house in France where the horses can graze among more acres than they have ever known before and with neighbours willing to look after them while I travel around the world, gaining and giving my experiences to others.

Speaking inspirationally on stage that if I can do it, anyone can. Telling my story and spreading my light to anyone and everyone who comes my way.

No longer held back by the chains of self-consciousness. I no longer concerned by  what others are thinking because that is simply not my business. My business is to be the very best me that I can be and to feed my soul everything it needs before it is my time to leave this earth, which is a long time away yet. And when that time comes, my body will rest in peace and my soul will go on to new ventures, with a smile knowing in this lifetime I completed my mission.

I will be married, have children, see the world, and we will be one another's backup in everything while still allowing each other to be the magnificent individuals that we are. And when our bodies are old and frail we will rejoice in the life that we shared, both before and after we met. Reminisce over our amazing experiences, our family, and know that the sum of our togetherness was so much better than the two individual parts.

What an amazing future.  Wow, just wow.

 

~ Day 21 ~

Never before have I fully realised the impact my fear of Rejection, bourn from severe levels of insecurity, has had on my life. It is a true understanding of this that will see me discover it completely, notice it when it appears, thereby taking away its impact on my life, enabling it to be removed completely.

I don’t have recollection of when it first manifested itself, though there are a number of specific incidences during my formative school years where it most likely started to take hold and become what has now become an ingrained part of my personality.

Recognition has to be the first part of healing and knowing this one emotion is linked to other less than helpful ones I allow to take hold, sets me on a path to changing to my innate personality that I know is hiding behind the learned behaviours.

From insecurity comes fear, anger, resentment, self-centeredness, neediness, lack of self-respect, introversion, overwhelm, over-sensitivity, and the need for outside recognition. They are all interwoven, like a neatly knitted scarf, and my belief is that when one thread is cut, the others will begin to unravel also, and release their hold.

I must ensure I notice the changes in me when any insecurity begins to rise so that I don't get caught up and entangled in what has essentially become a habit. Knock it on the head before it takes hold.

This is a process I have already started without really realising what I was doing. When I sense a thought or a feeling coming on that does not match with my innate personality, I take a moment, look at it head-on, and ask it to leave. No questions asked, no analysing it and giving it strength, just No Thank You!

It is easier said than done, and not a miracle cure, but I can feel the difference. The awareness in itself is liberating, and I am increasingly positive that I can beat this and move forward to the life I know is already waiting for me as I step out of the old me and into the new.

As well as knocking the old, unwanted emotions on the head, I must also learn to be in common with the newer, self-affirming ones. They must become part of me in a way that I don’t notice them. That they simply are me.

I guess it’s like when I learned to drive. At first, every single movement that I made was a conscious effort.  Lifting and pressing the clutch pedal, where I placed my hands were on the steering wheel, where I looked at the road (I recall vividly not looking at the road in the distance but just in front of the bonnet, which meant every tiny deviation in the road required me to make an adjustment in the car, which of course resulted in a massive over-correction). As I began to get more comfortable, I recognised when some things became easier while others I still struggled with and then poof! As if by magic, suddenly I was no longer even thinking about it; I just drove, to the point that there are now times when I can drive a familiar route, get to my destination, and not really be able to recall the drive at all. Such is the wonderment and beauty of our self-conscious when it is working with, as opposed to against, us.

So here I sit, on the edge of consciousness, knowing the route I have to take to be the person I know I am. Prepared to look at myself inside out, to question every thought, feeling, and action to ensure that they are in alignment with the real me, and to work tirelessly at removing the old and welcoming the new.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I dislike the person that I have been. I have had an incredible life so far, with many wonderful opportunities, experiences, and celebrations. What I want now is the strength of character to go out there and be the very best me that I can be.

Am I introverted innately or is it learned?

This is a really interesting point for me as I start to recall all sorts of personality charts, conversations with others, and ultimately looking at the child I was.

It is easier for me to look at this from a third-person perspective and also from my training within the equestrian world and, more specifically, with a Natural Horsemanship programme called Parelli.

I came across Parelli just as they released what is known as their Horsenality programme. This wonderful course helped the human to understand the characteristics of their horse. It then went on to help them with the various training techniques to give and get the very best from their horse without force or intimidation, working with the horse at their level and not my own.

This was something I was very interested in, I wanted to ensure that I could be the very best I could be for my horse. So I studied hard and learned all I could about the four main characteristic traits and went further into understanding why certain 'Horsenalities' would show up in a horse that had perhaps been treated less than appropriately in its formative years.

This was specifically interesting for me once I have brought home my second horse, Reuben, as he was very difficult to drill down specific 'horsenality'. I came to understand that he was hiding a fabulous character underneath what initially showed itself as frightfulness and defensiveness.

I have always called him my mirror and as I sit here typing this, I realise that is truer than I had ever really understood.

There are also the memories of conversations of long ago and also to one just last week, with people I had just met, when conversing about personality strengths and weaknesses. I was told that I was clearly good at communicating, that I was outgoing and confident, and my retort was, 'Yes, as long as I am comfortable in a situation that is fine, but generally I am introverted and nervous'. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth the thought process of 'Really?' was flying around inside my head.

Is it such then, that I am more innately extrovert, having been poked at enough times at an early enough age to have curled back into my shell, into a pseudo introvert? Every once in a while do I poke my head out to test the water, happy in that place until the smallest of insecurity sets in and I scuttle back inside.

I look at other classic introverts and know that I am not like them, and yet I find true extroverts exhausting after a while. Perhaps they are not true extroverts; perhaps they are just putting on their own show of learned behaviours?

It is so incredibly fascinating.  What I do know is I was a happy-go-lucky, exuberant little girl, very happy in either a group environment or creating stories out of nowhere, in the garden on my own. What does this actually tell me? That just like Reuben, I don’t fit in a box; I am beautifully and uniquely me. How wonderful and how incredibly satisfying to realise.
 

~ Day 22 ~

Having gone to bed feeling on top of the world, super excited about life and everything I have going on, I got next to no sleep and have spent the whole day being violently unwell.  

The book I'm reading and started following the guided meditations from a few days ago mentions that our bodies can react to the type of mediation I'm doing because I am literally working at manifesting a heightened personality and our ego will work in mysterious ways to fight the process and stay within its very well formed comfort zone.

It wasn't until part way through the day that it came to me that this may not be a bug at all or indeed food poisoning but in fact a purging process, much the same as I experienced in Peru.

It's certainly been a complete out, that my body must have needed for some reason and right now, this explanation makes the most sense.

I felt myself not wanting to meditate this morning and knew that was my body fighting against it so I pushed on ahead. Perhaps not the deepest of states, but I got it done and it settled my body for a couple of hours, at least.

It's incredibly fascinating and I'm very grateful to have been introduced to this guided process to follow. Having previously felt a little lost and unsure of what I was doing, I feel more like I am on a very direct path and if sickness is part of that path, so be it.

 

So almost a complete day of rest for me, which, considering my days are restful and peaceful currently anyway, is quite something.

I have found myself thinking about what I need to get done, but I will listen to my body for now as as it is beginning to function on a more normal level as the evening draws in, I may get a chance to complete the tasks I had for today before it draws to a close

 

~ Day 23 ~

To create my own destiny, first I must know what my future looks like. If I don’t have a clear and concise picture in my mind, how can I create it?

Once I know it, can see it, smell it and taste it, I must begin to act like it is already as such and be grateful for my life.

It seems an odd concept at first but without completely understanding and then believing in my destiny, as if it was now, there is nothing to work with.

For my mind to work subconsciously to achieve the future I desire, it must be able to see that future and believe in it as if it has already happened. Setting in motion those pathways, I can see my future very clearly;

Standing on stage, delivering inspiration to hundreds of people by telling my story and what I have learned.

Lying in bed, 20 years from now, in the arms of the man I love, reminiscing about how we met and how it was always meant to be. The lives that we’ve led together, the accomplishments we’ve had, the beautiful children who have blessed us and are now grown

The books I have written that have positively impacted thousands of lives.

The business that I have built having discarded my fear of failure, fear of rejection, and sense of insecurity, for a more profound sense of self-worth and self-respect, no longer concerned with what others may or may not think.

I see security: financially, romantically, and with my health, and a constant state of gratitude and happiness.

Of course, life happens and sad things occur but no longer do I dwell on these. I allow myself the time to grieve when appropriate but always know that there is more that each and every one of our souls has to do, and that this life is but a tiny proportion of our soul’s destiny.

This state of gratitude and happiness is with me every day, and it is this which has seen me accomplish everything that I have set out to do.

Love, light, happiness and gratitude. No other state will do.

 

~ Day 24 ~

I came to the realisation in today's meditation that the habits my old personality has are much like an addiction.  Like smoking, drinking, or drug abuse, I am so used to the way I live, the way I think, or the way I react to situations, that turning this around to a way that suits my future and how I want it to be is like cracking that addiction and will take much more than just a few meditation sessions over a couple of days.

Saying this out loud, it seems reasonably obvious but when it came to mind this morning it was a bit like a bolt out of the blue.

I’ve created this personality over the last thirty-eight years. My life experiences and the emotions associated with them have formed the personality I have today.

I wonder if this makes the old patterns harder to break? I don't really have an answer, I've never had an addiction in the past, certainly not a traditional one. It certainly feels like I have very much become addicted to the personality I have created.

I know that my future is bright; in fact, I am 100% certain of it. I know what it looks like, I know how it feels. I am incredibly excited about what the future holds, about the person I am becoming day by day. Little by little, I am creating that indentation, like water on a stone, that will change my life completely for the whole of eternity.

Confidence, self-assurance, humility, joyfulness, light-heartedness, and always coming from a place of giving: this is just part of what my future holds. Starting right now, the feelings that I have inside associated to that already means I am filled with peace and happiness, and with contentment overriding gratitude to the universe for showing me a path to my ultimate self that I am so proud to have chosen to take.

The next challenge I face while fighting the addiction of my old personality is to ensure I continue to follow this path of meditation every single day, despite believing I already know it inside out.

This particular meditation starts with an induction; settling the mind and body completely for 20 minutes before following on with recognising and understanding whichever emotion I want to remove from my personality and then letting it free to the universe, filling that void with the positive, self-affirming emotions as if they were already here and part of me.

I have previously mentioned that I don’t know how different I will be when it comes to the end of these 90 days, but as I now see a very clear path ahead I am more excited than ever. I know I am already so different from the person who began the meditations just a few short weeks ago.

To be able to notice and recognise when thoughts and emotions from my old personality are creeping in and have a process in place which enables me to stop those thoughts in their tracks and replace them with more self-affirming, positive emotions is a skill I look forward to building, like a muscle over the following weeks. I will be turning the action from consciously incompetent, to unconsciously competent.
 

~ Day 25 ~

The emotions and the physical feelings and sensations that occurred during today's meditation were incredibly interesting. It was quite literally as if the two personalities were colliding with one another, the old trying to outsmart the yet-to-be-developed new. It was incredibly and yet a little traumatic to both to observe in the state of the onlooker and experience as it was all happening inside of me.

Though I came away in a different state to that in which I sat down, it was different to other times, when previously I have literally bounced off of the sofa.

I believe this has to do with the state I started in.  My head was doing way too much thinking. I also hadn’t settled Charlie and could sense him moving around, the noises grappling for my attention, pulling my mind back from the serene place it should have been in. Certainly a lesson to learn going forward.

I am finding this whole process so fascinating, and documenting it like this also ensures that I am looking back over the work on myself and seeing the differences and similarities as the days go by.

Today there is a considerable amount of doubt, around pretty much everything. Though I’m ploughing through at this point, I feel it would be beneficial to see these concerns head-on and answer them for myself so that I can stop the all too nagging voice inside. So, that’s what I will do.

My Doubts

The chap in LA (yes, there’s a chap - of course). I feel like I am pushing, the instigator of attention, the needy one (well, I am... it’s something I’m working on!) Am I heading down a path of heartache?

The last question is mine to answer as I wish. I can choose to see this as a route to probably heartache or I can choose to see it as the adventure I had in mind when I booked the trip. I can weigh all of the enjoyment of the trip on him, or I can focus on the other factors. The seminar I am so looking forward to and the finite reason I booked the trip.  Meeting Rob, my amazing book buddy who is helping me through the stages of writing my first book which, by the time I get to LA will be published and perhaps even have even achieved bestseller status. Meeting up with Dima in San Francisco as well as seeing the sights and sounds of LA, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Hollywood. Going out to the national forest and pony trekking.  So many amazing memories to be made and it will be especially wonderful now that my previous old business have found a replacement for me and I will have the additional space to do more of what I want during that month, including deciding what next!

I will just wait and see. Sit back and relax while I work on being the best me I can be.

Am I destined to be alone, forever? No, I’m not. I’m certain of that. What I understand though, is if I’m not well on my way to being my true self, then there will never be a 'right' person.

My future success: Can I make a go of whatever it is I am doing here?

Yes, I can do anything I put my mind to. Relating back to a TedX I watched yesterday, with the simplicity of 'you can learn just about anything in 20 hours' and 'the major barrier to learning anything is not intellect, it's emotion', I know that my future is very bright indeed.

Financial Independence or poverty?

How do I know which way this will go, once the ties are finally split from the old business? It’s completely up to me. I can choose whichever path I wish. I do not see poverty in my future so ultimately, yes, financial freedom is mine for the taking. I am both excited and grateful for it.

What happens come the end of April?

Whatever I want to happen. More travelling? I’m thinking South Africa is a massive possibility if I can continue to get Charlie and the horses looked after.

I am going to stop writing now, take some time out, and come back to all of these questions later.

As an answer to my own questions, after some time away from the laptop, out of the gite and into the beautiful countryside that is the South of France, my sense of self-worth has been restored. I can feel the emotions bubbling underneath but they are under my control and I have clarity of thought once again.

This just goes to show how a change is as good as a rest, and also how important it is to get out into nature as much as possible to reconnect with the earth.

 

~ Day 26 ~

What a difference to have set myself up for success, having walked and fed the puppy, had some good breakfast myself and then settled us both before I started my meditation, my mind and body were both ready and willing to relax into the state of consciousness needed and it felt amazing.

I was able to look at the emotions, thoughts, and feelings I am giving up, very much from a third person point of view, and then experience the emotions, thoughts, and feelings I am embracing with great clarity along with the new enhanced parts of my future, as now. I am seeing how different areas of my life will come together so that they can all work harmoniously, between building my business, travelling the globe, being married, and having children.

Wow, I am so excited and so grateful too. With the realities the universe is bringing to me daily as her part of the two-way conversation we are now having every day, my belief and excitement grows stronger and stronger.

 

~ Day 27 ~

Today has been a day of waiting for inspiration to hit before sitting down and tapping away on the keyboard. I then remembered what a mistake that is, and to just sit down and start writing. Inspiration will either come or it won’t, it doesn’t matter. I need not concern myself with what others may think, ensuring only that what is being written is coming from me and is my truth.

Today I have had to remind myself that I am early into the process and even less long into the guided side of the meditation. Not to expect miracles overnight, but to expect signs along the way from the universe to let me know that we are conversing.  What I mustn't do, is try and interpret every tiny little thing as a 'sign'. Or maybe I should! Rather that, than looking for negatives, I guess!?

I have caught myself wondering what the signs will be, in what area, and with what kind of force. Then I remembered it is not my business to concern myself with such things, and to concentrate only on those things I have control over: my own thoughts and actions.

 

~ Day 28 ~

So many thoughts, ideas, and inspirations are coming to me now. It’s like my mind and body have settled into this new routine of the guided meditation, yet different to how I settled previously.

Previously, a routine for me would have meant boredom, but because every meditation is so different, even though the guidance is the same, each time I sit I am astonished to realise just how different each one is.

I’m so excited about what everything will be like come the end of the 90 days, though I also know that this won’t be the end of the mediation. Mediation will be a part of my life forever now. More importantly, giving thanks and being grateful for everything in my life: that is what will be a part of my daily routine for the rest of my days on this earth.

This experience is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and the feeling of peace that surrounds me is so beautiful.  The joy too when I recognise, and therefore am able to change, a part of the past version of my personality. A smile emerges across my face as I know each time this happens a little bit of the self-destructive me is being chipped away, leaving space for the self-affirming me that I now am.

Today I had so many visions, some of the next 6 - 9 months and also of what life will be like in the next 20 plus years. Book readings and stage appearances, giving talks and inspiring people. Presentations at business meetings, introductions, reading the intro to my book at events. Attending events in LA, getting my book, and therefore me, out there.

It’s so helping me to sew together the linear time that is now and that of the future. Knowing that all time is now, my logical brain is enjoying the connection between it all.

I also had a vision of one of my future homes.  This house has come to me many time sin my life, a white wood-clad house on a cliff top. In this vision though I was walking hand in hand with my husband, leaning on his shoulder, reminiscing about the wonderful life we have had together. This, just one of our homes, if my most favourite.

Oh, I am so grateful to be getting me back. I can feel me, the real me. The person who showed up in Peru, the little girl grown up. The true, confident, loving, successful, peaceful, giving, caring, secure and abundant me.
 

~ Day 29 ~

I sit here straight out of my meditation, not having moved from my seat, ready to start my day with that feeling I am beginning to get used to and in many ways addicted to. A sense of peace, of knowing, and of trust that this isn’t me simply fantasising about what might be. This is it happening. I am me. I am confident, self-assured, with self-respect, joy, and happiness filling my body, no longer wracked with the insecurities of my past, knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that the future is everything that I can see.

My first book is set for launch. In 14 days it will go live on Amazon. I know I couldn’t have accomplished this previously, but through growing, believing and understanding that I am everything I imagine I am, and that I am worthy of the love and abundance in my life that I dream of, it is all coming together.

From the book will come speaking engagements, from the speaking engagements will come presentations, and then on to stage talks. This is it. My life and me is happening right now and it is so terribly exciting.

Though I can see a path, I can’t see specific details on the how; that’s not for me concern myself with. It’s my job to design the reality and up to my higher-self/the universe to create the how.  There are opportunities everywhere; I just have to be completely open to them all and recognise when something is for me.

I understand this will mean tiptoeing outside of my comfort zone. I also understand that things cannot be different if I am not prepared to be.

The ability to recognise when old thought processes and feelings are coming up and then to tell myself to change those immediately is allowing me to laugh at the binds that used to hold me; not by making fun of myself but simply by being joyous at how different I am now.

It has come to mind that right now, everything is rosy. I have a slight underlying feeling of nerves that is trying to come to the surface, about how everything may come tumbling down around me at any time. It is these thoughts and feelings that I need to keep on top of and change whenever I feel them, but I also need to understand that life does happen. People and animals get sick, leave this earth, as well as all other host of things I would rather didn’t happen at all. But this is LIFE. If the birds were not allowed to eat the worms and we all were able to have everything that we wanted, the world would stop turning on its axis.

 

~ Day 30 ~

Understanding that it’s taken thirty seven years to create the personality that I am now, shaving bits away from and remoulding back into the personality I was always meant to be, I believe is key to this transformation. It is not going to happen overnight. That is why the guided meditation for just one area of my personality is four weeks long in total. From then, I know that I will be able to work in weekly stages but for the moment I must remember that this is a ‘little by little’ process, like water on the proverbial stone, and not one big revolving door. The world would literally turn on its head if that were the case.

I have to take each tiny improvement and view it with the greatest of gratitudes. This is what I am doing. I see my future now. Of course, I cannot suddenly have children and a husband. That will take linear time, but I can thank the universe today for those things as if they had already happened.

The mind does not know the difference between a real event and one that we have created, and it is this simple fact that makes this process all the more powerful.

'It is the possibility of a dream coming true that makes life interesting.' Paulo Coelho

'Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.' Napoleon Hill

Today my emotions are more level than they have been through the mediation, but the images are strong. New ones are coming on board daily. Today I see myself on stage, as always. I saw my children, me in the arms of my husband, the financial security, the cottage on the cliffside. I also saw me conversing with people, conducting one-to-ones and making making a difference in people's lives..

I am able to recognise that the feeling of anxiety, of being overwhelmed and my brain running wild, are all old emotions of the past, and by recognising this I can reduce them and concentrate on simply being me.

There are things I need to do; of course there are. There is no need however, to get anxious. The anxiety I feel is self-made. There is a difference between urgency and anxiety. No-one and no-thing requires those feelings of survival to be ever-present.

This is why I have changed my environment, why I will not go back to the environment I was in. I trust the road ahead will become clearer as I take each step forward. Just like the instruction on a navigation system, I pass over the details to the universe in much the same way. Work on this moment, this present time, knowing the destination is ahead and trusting the instructions I am given on how to get there.  

I love with this analogy and will continue to remember it and work on it.  Envision the Destination, put the instructions in the machine, and allow it to show me the way.  Simply beautiful.

 

~ Day 31 ~

It is wonderful how just sitting and allowing my head and my body to be quiet enables the fog to clear and the path to open up in front of me. There is no forcing, no premeditating what I am going to be thinking about. I simply allow myself to just be.

 

The way that the guided meditation is reaffirming every day, where I’m taking my life is having a positive effect, on my life, every day. It is as if a guardian angel is sitting on my shoulder, tapping at my consciousness when my thoughts starts to go astray, and beaming at me when I am taking the right action.

The underlying feeling of peace and certainty that comes from this 'knowing' is affecting everything in such a positive way. It is just exactly as it should be.

It’s uncanny reading through the pre-meditation notes every day, seeing just how far I have already come. With this particular section of the guided meditation, it allows me to see the differences already occurring, and also make fun of some of the stuff I have written, as some of the thoughts I’ve had in my negative states have been disproven already, during this short time.

This sets a fire under to the process for me, the positivity, and my overall belief in what I am achieving continues to grow.

 

~ Day 32 ~

Today, though, I knew my period was due, it came with no sign of the heightened, over reactive emotions that normally precede it. Last night I felt a little overwhelmed having sent out my first book to the 40 initial subscribers, but I recognised this and, rather than dwell and wallow in emotion, I chose to sit and meditate again, and it felt like one of the most powerful meditations so far. I was present throughout and emerged at the end of it with so much clarity of being on the right path.

There was a sense again today of fighting internally, against the old. I am recognising that my body and mind are trying to turn off in the form of sleep rather than have me complete the full meditation cycle. This awareness is ensuring I stay present again and give my all to the process.

There is specifically a very different feeling between the emotions of the past and those of the present-future. The past feelings emerge in my solar plexus, directly under where my rib cage joins. The emotions of the present-future emerge from my heart space. It is so very definitely different and incredible to have the conscious awareness of the feelings.

I have thoughts and actions to take forward today associated with my book, which are in present time, contacting some other authors about reading and reviewing it for me, so that I can put their reviews onto the back when I get it published as a paperback.

Yesterday, I was looking at trainings around getting certified as a life coach for the future, but today that feels like I am forcing my path. Like it’s what I think I ought to be doing rather than where my path is taking me. I have been looking at the Robbins-Madanes courses. We shall see, but I won’t be making any rash decisions.

I was a little humoured to see that their head offices are in LA. So as there is no need to make a rash decision, this may be somewhere I visit and chat with someone about the course while I’m there. It also came to me to look into the courses around the same field, but via the teachings of Wayne Dyer. Again, I will look but take no decisive course of action unless I feel it’s the way forward.

The universe knows what I need and desire. The future is already written so the path is already laid for me to walk along. I am more confident of that daily.

I have been more conscious as the days go by just how much I have been affected by my concerns of what other people might think, from those who have no direct effect on my life down to my beautiful friends. I know that these concerns of mine come from a reflection of the thoughts of others that I have previously allowed to enter my head which is why I must first and foremost learn to be 100% loving in everything I do, and towards everyone and everything in my life. Without being able to be this person, my mirror will always shine back what I am sending out.

I am learning and practicing divinity every day, and I believe every day there is improvement.

I recall from my days of being totally immersed in the horse world that we used to talk about expecting a lot, accepting a little, and rewarding often. It would be good to take this on board myself as I step forward into the new me and learn to be the very best person I can be. Accepting 1% improvement every day means that in less than 2 months I would be 50% improved on the person who sits here typing. How amazing is that?

This is the most rewarding process. I am beginning to feel and see the effects, and though I do not wish for linear time to pass quickly, I am slightly impatiently excited to see where this takes me.

The book that I will write about my journey, will be proof that giving of yourself first, in a way that is of greatest benefit to humankind, will reward you back with a beautifully abundant life.

 

~ Day 33 ~

It’s really happening. The wheels are turning and the sands of time are shifting in the now.

The feeling of certainty I have is almost overwhelming and is fulfilling in a way I never understood before now.

The feeling of gratitude that I have for the thing I am manifesting is a real and true thing, and the feelings of old, self-deprecating habits are fading.

Having reached out to three highly respected individuals in the field of my first book, to ask if they would be happy to write a review of it, I heard back from two of them immediately and then, from the third , giving me his review. It was just the most fabulous experience and commands me to continue to follow my heart.

I am beginning to tell the difference between when something I am considering is all part of this magnificent journey or when it is my past personality trying to take control in ways it always has.

The Robbins-Madanes course seemed like a great idea but it doesn’t feel right for right now. I haven’t completely dismissed it, and have set it aside for now. It’s 'out there' and I know about it. If it is the path I’m supposed to take I will know soon enough.

My website being up and live, it’s a start. It is by no means perfect and could have lots of improvement to it, but by having completed the content in it I’m now able to set it aside for the moment and concentrate on other things that need my attention.

I have decisions to make around the old business, to stop waiting on everyone else and make some decisions for myself.

What seems right is to get everything in my head settled for the end of March before I head to LA. The time difference will mean teaching the new employee at my old business will be challenging so I need to be concise, get as much across to him as possible and then relinquish the ties that bind.

Lots of things to do, but today I give to the old business so that I can clear my head of the things that need to be done to enable me to move forward.

These are simple steps that mirror the larger ones I am taking.

 

~ Day 34 ~

Wow; I started today's meditation in a place of distress, having been 'hormonal' since yesterday lunchtime, thinking about past relationship, the dogs and cats I no longer get to see, worrying about 'stuff', getting myself down about 'stuff', creating depressing scenarios about 'stuff', all of which were in my head.

I had driven out to Sarlat yesterday to help change my state and it did a great job, but after drinks with the guys here that own the gite I’m staying in, and then being left to my own devices, the old patterns started to come back and I wallowed.

I was still somewhat wallowing this morning, and though I was conscious of it, I wasn’t being successful at making the change.

Today's meditation was powerful, the declaration and surrender brought tears, which I allowed to come, and the later manifestations were stronger than ever.

Something I have noticed is when I allow myself to truly let go, there is what I can only describe as a bright light which shines within my head, right where the third eye chakra is.

This has happened several days in a row now, at least that I have consciously noticed. I thought at first it was coincidence, that the sun perhaps had come through the clouds and shone through the one window  which I have uncovered while I meditate, but it has happened so many times now and I know it’s something more, perhaps my higher self coming through, that I am evolving.

The future I am manifesting is getting stronger, the images are more detailed, and the overall picture and path is clearer. There is an air of impatience about me that I am aware of and understanding, also. There is also an underlying feeling of fear about trusting this process that I’m equally aware of and dealing, with as part of my old thought patterns.

I need to make a decision about stopping allowing myself to be controlled by the old business, and the worry that surrounds no longer having the security blanket that it has become. I need to make the finite decision that March 31 is the end of it, completely. I will be free to move forward without being bound by the old life I have left behind.

Or is this the old me running away because it’s painful?

This is the dichotomy I have been dealing with for months now and I am certain it will become clearer over the coming hours and the next few days as we get closer to the end that is going to come eventually, regardless.

I have a busy day ahead, things I need to get done to clear my mind. One thing at a time, without getting overwhelmed, just working through each thing that needs to be done, in the confident, happy, self-believing manner I am now coming accustomed to.

'Like a butterfly you will emerge out of the darkness and shine into your true magnificence'

I’ve had this quote on my phone screen saver since before I headed out to Peru and it dawned on me during my meditation today that this is what I am doing here in France. I have been the caterpillar, working my way through my life so far, gathering my experiences like munching my way through the leaves of life. I sit here in my little gite, having started to weave my cocoon in Peru, settled, nestled, happy and content. Building my strength, creating the beauty from the inside out. In just a few short weeks I will walk back out into the world as the new me. Someone recognisable only by my name and my outer layer.

There is an underlying strength of character not known before. The work on me began some six months ago and though some of it has been painful, every bit of it has been worth the journey to be where I am today. As I sit on the precipice of my future, it is an amazing realisation and one I can feel in my soul.

Now is the time to start emerging. To stand on those stages. To converse with all of those people. To spread love and light everywhere I go, with an abundance of confidence that comes not from arrogance but from a true, underlying complete belief that I come from a place of giving.

Love is my gift to the world.

This starts with spreading my knowledge. What I have learned this past year I can start to give back to people.

Perhaps I can start with some short videos. They don’t have to be all masterfully edited. Just me on the sofa, or at my desk, or standing at a wall if I am giving visual demonstrations. Short sweet videos. Not 20, 30 or 60 minutes long, but 3 - 15 minutes. Initially, 'Who Am I' and building from there.

This way I can start to build an audience. It is in line with my path of giving and works both for this and to start me on my path of getting in front of people. I may not be physically in front of people, but it is the foundation to being able to talk without hesitation and without self-confidence. Like 'just writing', 'just talking' will ensure it is the real me that people get to see. Once I start and people see the human in me, I am certain they will be more inclined to want to see more because I will be 'being real'. As the saying goes, 'warts and all'.

I could start with ‘Who am I’, then reading from my book - there are lots of videos there! Then there’s ‘Goal setting’ and ‘Mind Mapping’ too. Just a few to start me off. I shall mind map for other ideas too so that I don’t get concerned that I will run out of them.

The goal. One a day for 100 days. Posted on YouTube, then on to the home page of my website and from there onto Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter, too.

Let the new me start to stretch my wings.

Ohhhhhhh, I’m excited.

What an absolutely unbelievable experience this meditation process is.

 

~ Day 35 ~

Without action there is nothing. Allowing the universe to set up the path is one thing but if I don’t follow through with my part, on the action side, then there can be no outcome.

Today's meditation was one where I haven’t come away with some great enlightenment. I believe this is because I have yet to act upon the part of the journey that came to a head yesterday with the videos.

It’s time I started to come out of my cocoon. There has to be some sort of sense of urgency!

Or is this my ego talking?

I had cause to fight against old patterns yesterday and although I could see them occurring I failed to change in the moment.

Today I am hyper-aware of this and the consequences of not catching the negative, non-self-loving thoughts and feelings in the moment

So today that is all I am to be aware of.

I am the future me, now. The past is the past; today is the here and now.

While I am finalising the end of my dealings with the old business, I must not prioritise that over the future me doing what needs to be done on a daily basis.

Action: taking steps every day for my future.

 

~ Day 36 ~

Taking action makes the difference. What a day yesterday turned out to be. After deciding to take the action and just do it, I got done everything on my list and more, which resulted in me being in alignment with my future-now.

My confidence is growing daily. I’m not throwing myself off of a cliff; more taking one step out of my comfort zone at a time, allowing my comfort zone to grow day by day, so that the next day I can take one more step.

In terms of size, if my comfort zone started as one foot in diameter, if each step were just an inch, after a month it would be almost three times bigger!

I have started my videos, yesterday the intro for my web page. Today will be either an extract from my book as a reading or one of the training videos associated to the links for the book.

I also thought about the stories which my editor suggested I add to the book to make it more tangible. I wondered if I could link to some of the successes on the business website but decided that actually I wanted to keep the book non-old business specific and I also, in complete honesty, want people to come to me for advice if they have not started their businesses yet.

I have set the process in order for booking my place to stay in LA. All being well, it will be a perfect place to continue recording the videos, as it’s quite a blank canvas of a place. A great 'studio'.

My team leader with the current business wants me to get involved with the trainings for team. I am very happy to do that, as it will increase my belief in my abilities to present as I work on my future-now and presenting on stage to hundreds of people.

I read a great meme yesterday which focused my thoughts around my insecurities of my relationships. It read: 'I am not who you think I am, You are who you think I am'. Turning this around to the first person perspective (which is how I needed to read it), 'You are not who I think you are, I am who I think you are'.

This sits perfectly with the concept that the world is our mirror. Therefore, if I am judging, mistrusting, and creating things in my head that are not real, this is all coming from inside of me. I need to be very aware of this and realise that we are all individuals. We are not all alike. I will not judge others by the behaviours of those who have passed through my life before now. To live in the moment is to take each moment as it comes and be grateful for the here and now.

Here’s to growing every single day, if only an inch at a time. Here’s to the 30 feet increase that the next year will bring!
 

~ Day 37 ~

Meditating after not going to bed until past 4am and having less than 5 hours sleep is possibly not the deepest consciousness I could have had, but it was interesting as Charlie was incredibly restless, meaning that I didn’t fall completely.

If I allow myself time later today I will come back and meditate again.

I am realising while I am typing that I am allowing all I 'need' to get done to rule the time I have set aside for myself, so I am going to stop.

My head is literally a fog right now. I am going to shower, dress, walk the dog, and get some fresh air. Clear the 'things' I need to get done… Ha! That is not stopping! Wow, this is exactly how I don’t want to be feeling!

I am going to stop writing, probably pass out for a while to clear my head, and then re-evaluate my day.

Actually, no. I am not going to pass out. Five hours sleep is more than enough. What I need is that fresh air!  Off I go! (Feeling like a crazy lady!)
 

~ Day 38 ~

As I have changed my routine to fit around the daily working hours of the  old business, I can sense a detrimental effect on my meditation time and my mind-set. All the more proof that my connection with the business has to come to an end, soon.

Yesterday I had that all too familiar feeling of anxiety as I sat on a video call to the office with one of the new starters, and could hear  my name mentioned in the background. Ultimately it enabled me to take another emotional step toward severing those ties completely while slowly 'reintegrating' myself from the isolation I’ve chosen to put myself in.

There is more integration coming as my Mum is due to arrive soon, so I will be mixing my time with myself, with the needs of others, and still put me first while I work through this process.

The guided meditations I am using are in fact only an hour plus the time I take to write here. There is no reason I can’t stick to giving myself this time both when Mum arrives, during the time I have left here in France, and then when I get to LA.

I’m over a third of the way though this first process but know that I have such a long way to go, and that continuing the process as my life moves forward is what will keep me on track to getting to where I want to along with my ability to be consciously aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions at all times. This is what is going to make the difference and ensure I remain on my chosen path to being the very best me that I can be and the person I always knew I could be.

I am confident, I am happy, I am successful, I am self-respecting. I am courageous, I am light-hearted, and I am free from the binds that used to hold me. I love talking to people, especially about my business. My book is a hit and is bringing people to me. I have speaking engagements booked in LA and in the UK. I am bringing in my income goal every month. My husband is amazingly supportive, loving and kind. Our children brighten our lives and challenge us to be better than we ever thought we could be. We have homes in the UK, in France, and in the US, and we travel the world together, seeking out new adventures whenever and wherever we can. My stage appearances have boosted my confidence with talking one-to-one with people in a way I always knew I could.

I am aware that I am still holding back from finalising my ties with the old business because of the income it is bringing in. I haven’t yet built up enough courage to take that step over the edge but I know it is coming. I am battling with the demons on that one and feel I’m winning.

 

~ Day 39 ~

I'm sitting in the car on my way to Bergerac to collect my mum from the airport.

I didn't think I would have time to meditate this morning because I chose not to get up at 5am, when I would have needed to, to meditate before leaving for the airport. However, Mum there was a flight delay so I had the time to stop at a service station, get the loo, walk Charlie, and sit and meditate really deeply.

I am both surprised and happy.

The feeling of connection to my future was as strong as ever, with incredibly clear visuals and feelings about up coming events.

When I am detailing the emotions I no longer want in my life, the way they make me feel and how I behave because of them, I can sense that they are leaving me. They are all events, feelings, and situations from my past, and their addiction is lessening.

I wonder if, like any addiction, they will always be with me to a degree and if I will always have to work at keeping them at bay, being aware whenever those familiar thoughts and feelings come up. Or maybe over time they will simply no longer be, having been replaced by the more loving and kind, productive thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the future me

The confidence and the peace are back.

I can’t imagine not doing this every day and having the opportunity to feel the way I do.

It also shows me how important it is to be completely committed, in the moment because compared to the meditations where nothing happens, the way I feel right now is invincible.

Long may it continue!!

 

~ Day 40 ~

Amazingly powerful meditation today, beyond anything that I have felt so far.

I made the space and time I promised myself, while Mum is here and I have been rewarded with a meditation that moved me physically as well as emotionally.

Having continuous sensations through my arms, whenever there was a moment of change, I continue to see a bright light behind my eyelids as I move from the old to the future-now.

This is so mind-blowing. I am literally buzzing, my fingers moving faster on this keyboard than ever before, because though I do not know what I want to write, I know that I do want to write. About this process specifically, but also to continue to write books.

To re-write Fast Track Your Success so that it appeals to a wider audience. It could help so many people. Then there are all the other books I want to write, including this one!

I feel so confident that this is my path, that this is the way I can spread the light inside. This and building my business.

I’m so excited having launched my first book today. It’s official, I am on Amazon. The reviews have started to come in and although I didn’t get to the 5 on each site that I wanted, I have got to 6 in total. I am sure now that the book is free over the coming few days the reviews will increase, and as I have seen the ranking in the one category go from 30 to 14 in a couple of days, I am also sure that I will hit the 'Best seller' ranking, perhaps even before my birthday.

Everything in my future-now is so exciting and so clear in my head. The path is set; I just have to ride the wave and keep out of my own way.

What a difference a few months makes. What a difference, putting me first and following what feels right, stopping being held back by my past and just trusting the universe.

I had said that it was much easier said than done, both to truly learn to love myself and to trust the universe. Now that I have started to focus on both of these it is becoming clearer, like a muscle that you have to work and the old muscles, that I now know about and no longer want in my life, by no longer working those they are starting to disappear.

I wondered yesterday if they would always be there, something I would have to fight, but I believe that they will actually just shrivel and die. Once they are gone completely they will be gone but this won't just happen and the trick will be to continue this meditation journey way past this initial 90 day plan. Because, when I think that I am 'cured' of my past, that will be the time I need to work on it the most, to ensure that the future-now continues to follow the path that I have set in motion.

Keep believing, even when the path takes a detour. When life gets in the way, keep meditating, keep manifesting, and keep believing. Why would I not, and what else is there?
 

~ Day 41 ~

I was up earlier today so that I could meditate without pressure (not that I had any yesterday, just that I was sensing I was bringing pressure on myself).

It’s been a good process but, as I have seen happen previously, after such a mind-blowing session yesterday, today's was a lot more sedate.

Working through the processes was more mechanical and less emotive. Still in the right direction, however, and my inner self is still working to ensure that I am on the right path.

Yesterday turned out to be fantastic, with my book reaching No 1, best seller, in two of the three categories it’s in, and No. 2 in another!!

I have things I need to do today for the old business, which is a shame, as it will interrupt the day for Mum and I, but I will get them done as quickly and as best I can. I advised I would be pretty much out of it for these three days so I am not going to stress too much.

I am manifesting my conversations for my business. Having my simple business cards will help, but I can also see old patterns there. It’s all very well having a tool but I do have to use it!

I have come out of the meditation with such a sense of peace about the next 20 years, like it is a given. A truth. Like it has in fact already happened, and I am calmed by the sense of security that comes with that.

These are the feelings and senses I have to hold on to, to ensure I keep on track when life throws curveballs. Not that I am expecting curveballs, just that I must be prepared to be the very best that I can be, in all situations.

Here’s to an amazing birthday-eve of smiles, happiness, getting hold of the old me and ensuring she is leaving while realising the dawn of the new me is upon me. The excitement that is building as I type that is exactly what I am focusing on.

I have just over two weeks left in France. I will ensure that these are as fruitful as they can be before I head home and then on to LA and whatever that will bring!

 

~ Day 42 ~

Happy birthday to me!

Birthdays are always a sign of new beginnings and a message I received first thing is perfect for where I am in my life right now; 'May you receive all the health, wealth, love, and happiness you can stand'. I plan on being able to stand so much over the coming years that my life will be positively unrecognisable to how it is right this moment, and right this moment is pretty blooming awesome already!

New beginnings have already started. I have the most amazing life, wonderfully supporting friends and family, my gorgeous dog and horses, my health, my creativity, and my beautiful soul, which I am working to set free at the end of my time on this earth with a sense that I helped her to be everything she was meant to be in this body, and in this lifetime.

I continue to have that overall feeling of contentment and peace, knowing I am following the path I was always meant to and returning back to the me I always was.

Trusting the universe and having her converse with me in both large and small ways, on a daily basis, I continue to meditate daily with the anticipation of her daily gifts to me, to show me that I am on track to receiving all that that I am manifesting.

What an amazing place to have got to, where this is my path, helping people become the very best that they can be.

My ‘Sat Nav’ is at cruising right now, I can feel junctions up ahead and I’m excited about where the next turn will take me while being content in the knowledge that wherever it is, I will be on the right course, at the right time, and in the right moment.

 

~ Day 43 ~

I have become aware that of late, I am happier within my meditations than I am in the conscious world.  I wonder if this is usual for someone so engrossed and hope it is a sign that things are changing.

I can feel my old personality fighting against the changes and I am questioning everything whenever I am not focussing through the eyes of my new consciousness.

The things I thought I had manifested for my birthday did, in the end, not occur.  The hot-air-balloon flight which seemed such a possibility only last night, is not to be.  The weather has taken a turn.  This has left me wondering what it all means. Is it that patience and understanding are to be learned?  That everything comes to those who trust, wait and believe.

This is, after all, only day 43, such a short amount of time out of my life. I guess I cannot expect changes to happen this quickly. I am looking only for 1% improvement every day and that is for certain happening.

I find myself frightened at times that when my time here in France is done I will return physically and emotionally to the person I used to be. It is the consciousness of these thoughts which I hope will spur me on with the mediation practice and ensure that I continue to do everything in my power to ensure I continue on this path.  

I must be committed to the meditation, committed to my business, believe in the future-me that I have created, and behave as if my manifested future has already happened.  Without the action, nothing will change.

The universe can ensure that she shows me the path and leads the way for me. Positive thinking and focus work wonders, but I have to be on the path, to believe and trust that all will be as I know it will be, and that everything which comes my way is supposed to.

To not allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking and feeling as I used to. To catch these thoughts, feelings, and actions and ensure I change them in the moment, not dwell on them or allow them to take over.

The only thing that can take over are the thoughts, feelings, and actions that work towards the manifestation of the successful, confident, healthy and truly loved individual I always have been and always will be.

Thank you, universe. This is the most amazing journey that I am on, and the whole process is something I am proud to be able to put down on paper so that in the future, I will be able to help others even more than I have the capacity to understand right now.

What I realise is that right now, in this moment, I am only able to create the images and beliefs of my future, the person that sits here typing today. I’m understanding that as the days, weeks, months, and years go by, those future visualisations will be stronger, more powerful, bigger, and more impactful than anything I could create right now.

This realisation is unbelievably exciting for me as I know it means I can truly be anything I want to be, and I can help more people than I would have ever previously thought possible.
 

~ Day 44 ~

Today I start training the person who has been employed to take over my position at the old business. It really is the beginning of the end, it means I’m approaching the end of this current instruction on my personal Sat Nav which is warming up to let me know where I’m going next.

I woke this morning knowing I have this role to be getting on with and feeling completely unmotivated by it. I am working out if this state is simply down to not wanting to have anything to do with the old business any more, or because I need some fresh air, because I was in the car all day yesterday!

With eleven days to go before I leave here and fourteen days before I head to L.A, the next couple of days will be filled with dealing with the old business to ensure I cover enough ground before the time difference makes it more difficult. I will ensure that that rest of my time here in france is filled with seeing as much more of the beautiful countryside as I can.

I have achieved amazing things while I have been here and remembering that, as the wheels keep turning over the coming days, weeks, and months is going to be very important!

 

~ Day 45 ~

Day 45! Halfway through this amazing particular journey of self-discovery.

Perhaps it’s time to change what I’m working with in my meditations. To work on another emotional state, to move forward and look at all the different entities of the old personality. Being progressive in the hope this feeling of numbness that I’ve had for the last few days will leave me, to be replaced by feelings of renewal.

The impatience is also building as I approach the next junction in my life and I as I sense it, I am working to allow it to come through me and leave without having any effect on my state.

I really do feel like I am on the precipice. The next emotion to work with is something like laziness or over-contentment. I need embrace a more constant feeling of excitement, be energised and enthused without the underlying wave of self-consciousness.

I shall get the breaking the habits book back out and follow the procedure to creating the pre-meditation work again today and start the new regime.

 

~ Day 46 ~

I cannot expect to reap the rewards of the meditation I am doing if I do not continue to stay consciously aware of the new and old states as they swing in and out of my day. I need to 'change' state when I feel the old ways trying to pull me in and revel in the new state, giving thanks and being grateful to the universe whenever I recognise this is where I am at.

I need to step away from the meditation in a whole new time frequency, understanding that it is only I who can keep me in that state, and to ensure that I continue to trust the universe and follow my path as if everything that I am manifesting has already happened.

I need to think, feel, and act with pure confidence, without judgement of myself or others, without the inner criticism, with only pure love.

There have been times over the last few days that I have fallen back into old ways of thinking, feeling, and acting, without grabbing hold of these emotions and correcting them in the moment.

I am confident. I am love. I am peace. I am happiness. I am joy. I am success. I am abundance. I give only love and understanding. The world is my mirror. I understand that everything I give out, I receive, and I know that the old emotions that have soiled my past, though still trying to hang on, are leaving me.  

Getting too comfortable and falling asleep during or just after my meditation has become somewhat of a habit, rather than seeing the whole sequence through and rising within my new state. This I interpret as my old thoughts and emotions desperately trying anything to hold on and keep control, though I know they are on their way out.

The future is now; I am everything that I am manifesting already. I believe that without question. It’s time to go show the universe just how committed I am to being the me we both know that I am. The tables have turned, the scales have tipped, and the avalanche has started to tumble. I am excited by what the next forty-four days will bring!

 

~ Day 47 ~  

Now that is the sort of meditation I am talking about!!

The awareness of once again being completely within my meditation while absolutely in control of my mind and emotions, is utterly invigorating. Committed to following the guidance, confident in the process, surrendering to it entirely, while utilising a simple change in my body language to a more powered position as the guided meditation leads me, so that my mind and body are entangled in the changes occuring.

It has become more apparent that the changes start in my, the body then learns its role and is then able to be used by me in those moments of clarity, to take back control of my thoughts.

This morning I took time to remove the feelings of tiredness, to feed my body and to shower before I sat to meditate. I felt prepared and ready to 'get to work', and it made all the difference.

Feelings of breakthroughs, of greater confidence, of knowing that the future I am creating is now, and that all I have to do is take this new me that has emerged from today's meditation and work with her to continue to follow the path.

There is a feeling of urgency as my time here in France draws to an end, like I must squeeze as much as possible out of these last eight days, that I must accomplish more in these eight days than I have in all of the previous eight weeks. Concentrating on the things I know I can do will have the greatest impact and will project me forward as I return home and before heading out immediately L.A. for what I know is going to be the most amazing experience.  The “Evolving Out Loud” evening I will be attending,  with meeting Rob my book buddy, moving my business forward and all of the other adventures I know are coming my way.  

This begins now and excitedly I know I have crossed over the hiatus I was in and I am eager once again, while also back in a that beautiful place of peace.

I am so grateful to be back here again and once again properly moving forward in my gite in France, with the wood burner going and my pup by my side. Me in my life. Life isn’t perfect; it’s life, in all of its gloriousness.

Big Smiles, big excitement, big peace.

 

~ Day 48 ~

It is as if by tipping over that hump, in the middle of this journey, the magic has begun to happen.

I woke late this morning and the pressures of the day meant that I did not get to meditate until quite late tonight, and yet it has been the most powerful meditation yet. Fully interactive, like being back in one of the ceremonies in Peru yet without the imagery.  Completely giving of myself to the process, with full intent and complete belief is making all the difference.

Perhaps it helped that today I wrote out the Breaking the Habbit processes again and I have reminded myself to begin each session by reading these through. The old emotions and the new ones were clear in my head, so even when, during the meditation, there wasn’t time to go over everything, it is still there, in my subconscious, and I know what I am working towards.

Incorporating the body language is also something I shall  definitely continue with, as this works in tandem with the mind/body/mind cycle that I am working with within the mediation, reaffirming the positive, future-now emotions.

There was a moment in today's meditation when I held my hands together behind my head and it was in that moment I had the realisation that I am becoming my own best friend. That the state I have been working towards; of fully loving myself, is coming. That it is me who must come first, to enable me to give my all to everyone else.

This was so powerful tonight. I had so many strengthened emotions and although I cannot now go out and conquer the world, I am going to go to bed and continue with the images of my future-now. I will dream about the potentials and know for certain that I can be, and am already everything that I want to be

Wow. Just wow.

Here’s to loving myself more now than I have ever before in my life.

A friend described it as self-soothing, when I chatted over this with them yesterday,  which seems a great description for understanding that it is no one else's job to make me feel secure or loved. That is a job for me.  It made me giggle but in a sense yes, it is self-soothing. It is standing completely and utterly on my own two feet: emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. That is why I came here, to continue the process to be the person I need to be, to give myself all of these things.

As the time draws near for me to leave here, I know that I am well on the path to all of this.

I also know that I cannot force the universe. I have to do my bit. To force anything will result in heartache and to not do my share of the work will mean that I am not deserving of all of the things I desire.  I will continue to listen to my true inner self, follow my instincts, and be safe and secure in the knowledge that the coming weeks, months, and years are going to be the best ever.

 

~ Day 49 ~

I can feel the shift, as if it is naturally a part of me now, that every meditation session I have is filled with complete and utter understanding that the things I am manifesting are so completely a part of my future that there is simply no doubt in my mind these things will happen, in the next few days, weeks, months, and years.

The old me is in the past. Though it still tries to enter my current state, I am ever aware of it and can quickly diminish any hold it may have over me.

I had it bluntly announced to me recently that I cannot go through life expecting bad things to happen. It came a shock, it wasn’t a state I had every realised of myself, but as the words left their mouth and the defensiveness left me, I recalled situations that I have done this.  I am now learning to take everything as a positive turn in my life because looking back, even those things that hurt so badly, in the moment, have a positive outcome. They have served to help me become the person I am today, made me stronger, helped me realise what I want and don’t want. They have clarified my mind, cleared the way, and ultimately put me on this amazing path I now tread.

So when bad or sad things happen, which is all part of life, I will see them through different eyes than before. With love and understanding, realising there is a higher purpose and I will be stronger and happier because of them.

While writing this I began to feel a sense of concern rising in me but I have grasped the state quickly and immediately 'changed' the emotion to excitement, knowing that was the old 'what if’ pattern trying to take hold.

I am pure love, I see pure love in everyone and everything.  All situations have a higher purpose. Knowing and understanding this ensures I can help so many people, which I know is my path, the path I am already on. Not one I am yet to get to, but the one I have reached and am already walking.

This is it. This is my time, my time to shine, my time to hold my head up high, my time to be and receive all of the love, health, and success that I can handle.

I am ready for it.

 

~ Day 50 ~

Ohhh, this just gets better and better! Again today I meditated in the evening and again the difference was profound. Such similarities to my ceremonies in Peru, knowing I was in complete control of my actions, yet letting myself be completely open and free through each of the sections of the guided verse.

Verbalising, moving my limbs, breathing differently in different sections. Consciously using the empowering body language at the appropriate times to build emphasis on the feelings of love, confidence, self-respect, and security I am manifesting, all assisted in this evenings session being incredibly powerful.

Today was the first day that I had a real feeling that I was looking back at past experiences through my minds eyes. My future, yet as memories of it all already having occurred. Wow, just wow. What a difference to the overall feeling.

Today there were some tears of greater emotion. Positive emotions. Overwhelm, joy and peace. Pure confidence and belief, both in me and this process.

Following my instinct and being led on the path as it opens out in front of me, today I was able to find a house in the local village which I had seen for rent online. When I got back to the gite I phoned and booked an appointment to view it on Friday (today is Wednesday). I managed this In French! The old me would not have done any of this!

I see and feel changes in me every day. This evening I am more excited than ever about my future, about the amazing life that I am leading right now, and knowing that I am on my path.

I have asked that the universe show me a sign so that I can use it to be completely inspired and then go forwards to inspire others because I know this is why I am here;  To help others to be the very best they can be and to realise their own dreams.  It already feels like a blessing to me.

 

~ Day 51 ~

What another amazing, emotionally tied meditation, again in the evening, again with a consciousness that is deep within the meditation while my body and vocal movement is enhancing the experience.

Every single day I am getting stronger. I feel that I have made the shift from mainly old personality working on increasing the new, to mainly new personality, working on removing the old completely, and it is an amazing sensation to know this.

Today has been wonderful, getting some work from the old business out of the way, experiencing the vets with Charlie and getting through it, again in French, and then a lovely afternoon with one of the ladies I have met here through the natural horsemanship association I am a member of.  Sitting in the sunshine, chatting about everything and nothing was a perfect way to spend the afternoon.

I am still super excited about seeing the house in the village tomorrow while also happy in the knowledge that if it isn’t for me, it will pass me by.  I won’t push it and if I like it I will give it proper consideration, while ultimately listening to myself.

There was also a job opportunity I happened upon, here in France and though there are some areas I don’t quite match to, I will apply, putting another tick in my ‘possibly move to France’ box.   am happier still to be making these considerations for me, and me alone.

Gosh I’m excited. I’m not sure that this feeling is great just before I go to bed, as I know my mind will be spinning, but meditating this time in the evening certainly seems to be working fabulously for me right now.

If I decide to meditate tomorrow morning, I will begin with the same intentions and ensure I incorporate the body language too. I have thought about how that might work on the plane! I may knock someone's head off with some of the arm movements I do! I will be in the air, roughly halfway through my plane journey, this time next week. That is another Wow! I have just 3 days left here.  I will be driving back to the UK all day Monday, seeing my beautifully amazing friends on Tuesday, my wonderful Mum on Wednesday, and then Boom! Off I go on the next adventure.

 

~ Day 52 ~

A Facebook friend, Sarah, was reaching out to all of her friends last night to help her finance a new van.  I knew though I had something even more valuable I could offer her, the faith that she will be able to the life that she dreams of, of looking after animals in a sanctuary, affording everything the animals need.

That was yesterday's sign from the universe, of that I am sure. Not mind-blowing or a surprise, but out of nowhere and unexpected, like the job opportunity in France the day before, for which today I have completed the application.  I see it not only as immediate income but also as a potential for meeting new people, improving my French, and taking my path forward, away from the old business!

This evening’s meditation was less intense but the body language ensured it stayed on track and I feel refreshed, peaceful, and fabulous after the session. I am not sure if it is more practical to complete it in the morning and get it 'out of the way' or to ensure that it is my last action of the day. When I am in LA I think the morning will be more appropriate, so once I have engraved this body language interpretation into the meditation I can start my day with these enhanced feelings and emotions rather than going to bed with them.

My new book has started, the mind map is complete. Tomorrow I aim to start the layout process and then on to the introduction as long as I get on well with the work for the old business, as there are some finalities I need to get done and out of my head before I head home on Monday. I also hope to have an early supper with the owners of the gite.

I realised today that though I had been thinking of the man in LA, I had not missed him in an over-reactive sort of way. I am more in control of my emotions here which is perfect before I start my journey home and then on to LA next week.  I do not want to be going out there like some sort of love struck teenager, setting myself up for heartbreak. I have set my intentions for being out there, to be the very best me that I can be, with the trust and understanding that what is meant to be will be. All I have to do is allow, trust the universe and enjoy each day as it comes.

This may well be my last challenge, the final test of my resolve and all of the work I am doing on myself. Only (linear) time will tell.
 

~ Day 53 ~

A super peaceful meditation today, perhaps because I am tired after a broken night's sleep, Charlie having been sick for 4 hours in the middle of the night. Or perhaps having had good food and wine with Ken and Bernadette, and Michelle and Chris, here at the gite for my second to last night in France.

It is wonderful to come out of the meditation in this state of peace. I used the body language but remained slightly too much on the conscious side.

For now, it is time for me to go to bed and continue to manifest my success in my business as well as my health, and life!
 

~ Day 54 ~

What a day! Clearing up, packing, and sorting everything out for leaving this amazing place that I have called home for the past two months.

What can I say. I have achieved everything I set out to do, and I am beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to take this time out for me, and me alone.

I have created my website, I have written and published a book that earned Bestseller in its category. I have started the next book. I have been brave enough to converse when needed in French and although there is so much more for me to learn about both the language and the culture, I am confident that this is a country I would like to live and feel pulled to return to and settle for a while at some point in my future. Be that in 6-8 weeks, 6-8 months, or 6-8 years!

I am excited to be going back to the UK, and though it no longer feels like home, my family are there and so a part of me will always be.

I am looking forward to seeing my gorgeous horses. If it is a nice day on Tuesday I may ride Reuben, if he feels like he would like to. Just a short hack along the disused railway line to gain some connection with him before I head off again.

I don’t necessarily see me coming back to the UK at the end of April. I have commitments with the animals and I can’t imagine how much I am going to miss Charlie, but the journey back on that date doesn’t sit in my consciousness like so much else of what I have done to date.

The feelers are out for a rental property here in 'The Lot', and the guys here at Boussagou have said they would be very happy to come to an arrangement regarding keeping the horses here if need be.

My meditation this evening was much more involved than yesterday, though not as fully emotional as others. I feel re-connected and ready to take this next step forward, the next turn on my own personal in built Sat Nav (Ohhhh! Another Book!! I shall write the title up once I have finished writing here).

I will be totally emotional to leave here but I am beyond excited to find out what the next 4 weeks, and beyond, will bring!  It has been a fantastic adventure. I have learned I am just fine on my own, that ultimately and most importantly, I have learnt to truly start loving the amazing individual that I am.

Time to spread this love. To get on with my business. To create abundance and give myself the purpose and reason to be as proud as I am of myself.

Ohhhh, and my tattoo! I knew in Peru I wanted to get one and while I have been here I have designed it; a simple linear tattoo of a heartbeat and a heart with a flame above it to represent that I am love and light.  I am thinking I will get this done on Monday.

Here’s to the next chapter!

 

~ Day 55 ~

‘Home’, meditating in my mum’s front room, the morning after arriving back in the country, following a very long drive back.

This is the first time I've meditated away from the perceived security, the peace and tranquillity that was my gite in France. I am very pleased with myself for not putting it off, as my thoughts had considered. I got it done and I am proud of myself for that, as well as pleased with the feelings that came through during the mediation.

I am excited, inspired, and looking forward to the growth of this next step in my adventure.  I will be in the air in less than 48hrs!  First things first though, today I get a whole day with my amazing friend, the baby, and the ponies.

It doesn't feel like home here in the UK at the moment. It will be interesting where the next turning takes me.

 

~ Day 56 ~

Today is the day I fly to California. To meet with the man I have been conversing with for the last three months, to start writing my second book, to go to the Evolving Out Loud conference, to continue to break the habit of being my past self, to continue my never-ending self-improvement, to finally step away from my ex and the old business and to begin the rest of my life.

There are many emotions, thoughts, and feelings, some borne of my old state, some of my new.  I don't think that my old state was bad, only that there is much I can, am, and have improved upon.  I have seen and felt changes in me that are showing I am moving in the right direction, and I'm excited about this next adventure.

I am excited about today, tomorrow, the weekend, next week, next month, next year and what all of it will bring, and I know that I am loved, and I am love.

What a beautiful and amazing peace to be in.

I am so grateful to the universe for bringing me this far, and I am proud of me for not just settling. For grasping at life and shaking it hard.

Will I find true, relationship love in LA? The one my soul has been searching for? I guess time will tell but I am not going ot get hung up on it. I am especially looking forward to the friends I am going make on this next adventure.

*****

Thoughts of days 20 to 56

The first two months were nothing less than perfect, everything I could have hoped for and so much more besides.

I learned so much about myself: how resilient I am, how strong, focused and intelligent I can be, that I was, am and will always be perfect, that it wasn’t about changing myself but about finding the person I had always been.

The little girl who got lost somewhere along the way was ready to emerge, stronger and shining more brightly than ever. I am ready to face the world and all it might have to throw at me. Ready to lay down the armour and open back up to the infinite possibilities this amazing world has to offer.

Learning to let go ~ Days 7 to 19 ~

Learning to let go

 

The time has now come

You need to be clear

That what’s gone before

Shall not disappear

 

It won’t fade to nothing

Or vanish one day

Your past is your past

But don’t sit with dismay

 

Those heartaches, those griefs

Were given to you

As your lessons of lifetime

For you to be true

 

With thanks and good grace

With your hand on your heart

Be grateful for all

You’ve learned from the start

 

With wisdom abound

And with songs still to sing

Let go of the woes

Look what the future will bring

 

~ Days 7 to 19 ~

As the fog started to lift, as those boxes started to get stacked, neatly labelled in the storage unit in my head, the feeling of being overwhelmed started to leave, too. I knew it wasn’t all over but I could feel a shift, a change inside, a knowing that this was it; this was what my soul had been waiting for, for me to stop and truly listen to my heart’s desires.

The next stage was to start to let go. To leave behind all of the stories that I had allowed to become my truths. The ones that I believed made me, me. The woes, the heartaches, the attachments, the disappointments, the childhood memories, the belief systems that ultimately boiled down to myth and fantasy. I had to start letting go of it all.

It wasn’t going to take just a few days, but it did have to start somewhere and there was no better time and place than this day: Day 7, when I realised what I had been doing couldn’t continue, both in the meditation practice and in my life!

The next two weeks saw me making some decisions that literally changed the course of my life. Though I didn’t know it at the time, of course, looking back now allows me see the divine intervention and the beauty of the process that I went through in making those decisions. To truly understand what is meant by 'what’s meant for you won’t pass you by' and also that 'everything happens for a reason'.

*****

~ Day 7 ~

I changed tack today and took away all expectations of myself and the meditation.  Giving myself a full hour by setting my alarm, I allowed time to take care of itself, enabled everything and anything to come into my head, gave it recognition and then allowed the thoughts to keep going on their journey through me.

The realisation that everything that happened last week was just noise hit me this morning. It was like my ‘inner child’, my ego, or my conscious mind had been screaming for my attention and when I finally allowed it, it literally took over.  Now I  feel that my  journey has truly begun.

I sat quietly on the sofa, upright and in a position I couldn’t fall asleep in, but could comfortable maintain for the hour I intended. With a blanket wrapped around me and Charlie, my dog at my side, I closed my eyes and moved into stillness, concentrating my focus under my eyelids, at the point between my eyes, simply relaxing and allowing.

Allowing the thoughts to come and go was easier in consideration that it was in practice. Initially, it was like the thoughts came at me from all directions, from all areas of my life, like sucking tentacles reaching for my attention with greater and greater determination.  Sometimes I had to actually shake my head to have them move on while choosing to project love their way.

The consideration that I am playing with the child inside of me, the little hurt me who needs my attention but also needs to learn and grow, is a fabulous analogy for this process.  It helps me to believe and accept that I will come to love every part of me, even though as I write I am not sure which parts I don’t love. Perhaps it is the little girl herself.

I am excited about where this is going to take me over the next days, weeks and months, and absolutely certain that I will benefit from the experience.

 

~ Day 8 ~

A mind full of stuff, but the sitting and allowing felt so freeing. The feeling of peace that came over me as the minutes ticked by

As I have began this journey in a place where I have all the time in the world, I know I am privileged to not have the worry of time many people may put upon themselves. Nearing the end of the hour though, I still found myself wondering if it was nearly over. I had to give those thoughts attention, realise they were just thoughts, and allow them to pass. This meant when the timer went off I wasn’t waiting for it, in that moment.

I find how much is going on in my head incredible. Even though I am in a place where stress does not exist, the whirlwind inside my head is outstanding: from things I could be doing later, creative thoughts, ideas, manifestations, worries, all whirling around like a washing machine. Absolutely fascinating to sit back and watch like I was at the theatre.  A member of the audience and not the lead role.

My thoughts are just that—thoughts. It is time to let them go and live only in the moment. For what else is there? ‘The past is behind me, the future is not promised, and the present is a gift I should most definitely not take for granted.

I know that when I get to a place where the storm in my head drops to a gentle breeze, I will have found a place so peaceful and true, and I am grateful already for when that happens.

Forget what others think of me; it is not important. This is me. I am who I am. A beautiful, unique individual here on earth to bring joy, peace, and happiness to others. To help others find their light. This is my role, and I embrace it with an open heart and an open mind.

I am not here to hide behind my childhood concerns of what others might think. That will not benefit the world. If I hide my own light, I will never be able to ignite that of others. Only by shining brightly can I do that, so as I sit here and type in a way that feels like I have finally found my path. I know that I am starting to brighten, that the shades are coming off and my true self is coming forward. I am both excited and emotional at the divinity.

 

~ Day 9 ~

As I sat there today the peace seemed to come over me more quickly than it has the last couple of days. I settled into a rhythm of focus through the space between my eyes, listening to my breathing and the noises around me, and getting lost in my thoughts.

Something I became aware of today is a happiness that drifted over me, bringing a smile to me face for no apparent reason. Something I haven’t been aware of before and that I don't recall ever experiencing before.  How wonderful!

Allowing the thoughts to come, sending them love, and then allowing them to continue, is empowering. The thoughts that are coming in a creative manner are thoughts I am asking to come back at a more appropriate time, when I can transcribe the ideas rather than break the meditation. This needs trust on my part, and I found that it came easily.

Something that did come to me was the interesting realisation that while I am here in this little gite in South West France, with only my puppy to keep me company, I haven’t seen a single other person for the past two days. Yet, I feel less lonely than I have in so long, I can’t remember. It is like the habit of constantly needing people around me is passing; one of the exact reasons I chose to come here. It is like a form of isolation, though I am conversing daily with friends and family, there isn’t that physical interaction I thought I would desperately miss. I am enjoying the time I have here to myself, with no demands set upon me other than the ones I set upon myself.

Reading: this again is a form of interaction, choosing to take someone else’s ideas, thoughts, and comments about a subject on-board. What I am able to do now that I never used to, is look at the information objectively. Question it and make my own decisions about the subject. Does that come with age and life experience? It’s not something I would have previously done. The younger me would have taken the information as gospel because it was in printed form. To be fair, I would take anybody’s word for anything because previously I didn’t believe I had a voice worthy of questioning anything.

What is loneliness anyway but the child inside me vying for attention? As with all of my fears, anxieties, and concerns I must come to love, communicate, and respect my inner child. Give her the attention she needs and then show her everything is ok, all of her feelings are allowed and all of her thoughts listened to, but that together we can make a difference.

Is it not my prerogative to believe one thing and then change my mind as I learn and grow? I think so, and therefore surely it is the right of my inner child to do the same? For me to gently guide her to new understanding while taking her immediate concerns seriously and without scorn?

As I write this today, though of course I may come to change my mind in the future, I feel deeply that this is what I have been searching for as the answer to loving myself. That I must totally commit to loving, understanding, and cherishing my inner child and all of her concerns, as if she were a real child. Parenting her in a way that is generous of time, non-judgemental, and completely understanding. Seeing events from both sides and guiding her through those that are difficult and worrisome, with the adult understanding that everything works out alright, in the end.

When I can master not arguing with myself, not falling into the depths of her woes, and not seeking attention at every given opportunity, then, just maybe then, I will have learned to love myself completely.

~ Day 10 ~

Today I increased my meditation time from an hour to an hour and a half. The initial thoughts of, 'Can I really do this?' quickly faded and though they crept back a couple of times, they didn’t take over.

I’m compelled to write about healing from the inside out, this is what it is beginning to feel like. There is something so incredibly peaceful, and yet alive about this meditation.

There were two  physical moments in today's meditation that I don’t recall ever having before. They were like the unconscious shivers that I get, the ones I often associate to 'someone walking over my grave', but they were different somehow. They occurred up through my body, from the base of my back, along both sides, and at very different stages of the meditation.  Perhaps this what brought my attention to feeling line I am being healed from the inside.

There were a lot of thoughts that came and went throughout the hour and a half. Thoughts of the current, the past, and the present. They took over at times, and I lost myself for a while, though eventually found I was able to bring myself back to the moment, concentrating again on my breathing and my physical body before delving back down into pure relaxation.

I know, without knowing why, that this is helping me. This whole experience, of being here on my own in France, the writing, the meditation: it is cathartic. Rarely have I have found myself worrying about what will happen, come the end of April, when I return to the UK, because right now it doesn’t matter. Perhaps I’m being delusional, just burying my head in the sand, or maybe, just maybe, this is what it was always supposed to be about.

*****

I found myself wondering how I will be able to meditate for this amount of time when I take myself away from this utopia that I am currently living in and throw myself into the depths of the city—not just any city, but the metropolis that is Los Angeles.

Yesterday I took a third sign that I should venture to LA, when an event ran by an inspirational peer, Kyle Cease, at the beginning of April, was brought to my attention.  I took the sign and ran with it, booking the event and plane tickets with nearly no consideration.  I knew how perfect the decision was when the complete sense of peace veiled over me.

When the time comes and I am in the totally different environment that is LA, my commitment to myself will be greater than ever before, and though the excitement of the trip will be upon me, there is still purpose in all that I am doing and I am committed to me.

*****

I had a vision today of two beautiful children running towards me, which made me beam - they were mine. A young boy of about seven and a beautiful little girl of about four, all brown curly hair and smiles. Even writing this now is emotive, and I know for a moment I got a glimpse of a future that could be. They were walking with their daddy, whose legs I only received in the vision, but my heart was full of pure love for this man.

What an amazing thing to be able to enter that part of my subconscious simply through being still and allowing whatever needs to come to me, to come. The whole process reminds me somewhat of my time in Peru, healing with the plant medicine, sitting and waiting for something to happen once the ritual had started. Only now, there are no plants and no waiting.

I watched something recently about meditation and allowing the thoughts to just come through you; that the more you meditate, the less thoughts shoot at you, and you are left with just a few thoughts each day that need to be released. What wasn’t touched upon though, was the receiving of such beautiful mental gifts, like those of today.

This enlightenment brings a sense of calm and beauty to a practice I have at points over the last couple of weeks, been concerned would bring an amount of pain to have to be dealt with.

I am excited by where I will be emotionally and physically by the end of these 90 days, but I also know that this will be just the beginning. Having the event that I have booked to attend on April 2 and 3 is perfect for continuing this journey into myself, and understanding that I don’t have to be concealed away in the depths of France to enhance my life and learn to love myself.

For right now, it is perfect.


~ Day 11 ~

I settled to meditate for an hour and a half today, as I had planned, and in the early moments it was pretty much the same as it has been to date.

Today, after an hour, I felt an urge to lay down, so after checking in with myself that I wasn’t wanting to sleep, I decided ‘why not’

I didn’t sleep; I went deeper into my subconscious and watched the stories unravel before my closed eyes.  

It was hard. In all, I was ‘under’ for two hours and twenty minutes, and I’ve been left with big concerns about what I am doing here, and how this will all affect me over time.

I’m worried this is it, that I might allow this to take over and eventually not ever want to go out in the world again.  How do I know the difference between being happy in my own company, not needing anybody else, and actually turning into a hermit!?

Part of me feels like I am healing myself, but  then I question from what, other than the emotional turmoil I choose to put myself through.

One realisation I have is how much time I spend feeding from the energy of others.  It’s no wonder that at times I don’t know who I am. Certainly, not in this moment.

Also, who's to say what I’m doing here is even healthy? It’s not real life, well, in the very least it’s not sustainable. Or is it that all of these words are coming from a place of fear of the unknown, so early in this journey that I am.

Coming in to me and facing myself is scary; today was emotional. I had my sensitivity, my desire to please, and how I take everything to heart thrown in my face, and that was painful, too. How do I learn to unlearn what has been me for nearly 40 years?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions right now but I hope that over time,  and with the work that I am doing, I will find the answers.

I have gone from someone who literally couldn’t sit still, a person who, when I had time to myself, didn’t want to be with myself, to now not wanting to be with anyone or go anywhere, while still craving attention. Not in an extroverted 'here I am' sort of way but in an 'addicted to that feeling of someone wanting me' sort of way.  I believe this addiction is the whole reason I have jumped from one  bad relationship to another and stayed where it wasn’t right, for so long.

Today, thankfully I trust that it is just today, this is hard. This is not how I want to feel, but I also understand that I am the only person who can change those feelings inside of me.

We are all important, unique, wonderful individuals and until I really believe that of myself, I know I will continue to seek approval from outside of me while being utterly consumed by the fear of what others might think of me.

So today I continue on my journey of healing that bit of me inside, the bit that cares way too much of what others might think, turning it around: not to become someone uncaring or rude, but someone who embraces getting it wrong, who understands life is about learning and growing. Appreciating that everyone has  a right to their opinion.

To be someone full only of love, I believe I must first learn to love everyone’s opinion, whether they suit me or not; learn to put me first yet relinquish all selfishness.

I understand that there is a lot to work on and I am grateful for this meditation time. The writing of these books and the learning I am having every day is creating a stronger, happier, more in tune me who is able to love and be loved on every level.

 

~ Day 12 ~

Truly learning to let go

For two hours I sat and lay in my own space, and for the whole of those two hours my brain churned. Not in an anxious or worried sort of way, just unable to switch off and be in the moment.

Constantly thinking about what I’m doing here, this afternoon, next week, next month, about the business I run or actually that I’m not running at the moment, about the writing, about my friends and family.

It was lighter than yesterday but still not with that same sense of peace I had a few days ago. I can only assume this is my ‘inner child’ trying I work out what I’m actually doing and  I hope given time the peace will return.

Until this becomes normality for me, I guess this is how it will be, like most other experiences in my life, a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I am sure as the days and weeks go by, the intensity of the thought processes will fade and I will learn to be able to sit and just be.

Learning to let those thoughts come and go through me and realising they are not me, they are my thoughts, will be a turning point. Having thought I was getting there, today shows me that I have a lot yet to learn and that the process will be a long one.

I am so grateful to have found this space, where I can take the time to learn what I need to, to get the best out of this process.

Being consumed by the future is not a place I want to live in, this is much more about living in the moment but concerns that keep coming up stem from the realisation that at some point, in the not too distant future, I will have to go back to earning a living for myself.

When my thoughts stray away from trusting the universe and manifesting the things that I want in my life, my anxiety rises. I simply cannot predict the future but what I can do is my best to ensure each step that I take in the present moment is fitting with my inner beliefs and desire.

Through this practice I believe my meditation muscle will grow, and I will build the confidence in myself that I need to show the world exactly the person I am inside, while learning to understand that other people’s impressions of me, are none of my business.

What an amazing, beautiful, wonderful experience this is.

 

~ Day 13 ~

Love, and who do we think we are, anyway?

Today is Valentine's Day and although I am technically very single, I am certainly feeling the love from around the globe. Taking away the commercialism that comes with any national celebrations, the basic beaut it brings out in people is something that I mustn’t overlooked.

I feel the same at Christmas, wishing that the happiness and joy could be spread throughout the year and not be present only for just a few days of the year.

My meditation today brought me to wondering about ‘who do I think I am’? I know logically that I can be anybody I choose to be; learning how is the trick, and understanding that positive thinking alone will not change the route of my destiny.

The question to myself is: Why don't you like who you are, anyway? Who is to say you are not perfect? Why would you want to change the uniqueness that is you?

I know I have an ingrained thought process that has me believing I know what other people are thinking, at all times—whether that be the person driving behind me, the lady at the supermarket checkout, my clients and my partner, to mention but a few.

Interestingly, more often than not, what I believe other people are thinking, is negative. Now I know logically that, for one, I actually have no idea what other people are thinking; and who am I to even think that I do anyway, and secondly, why would they be negative thoughts anyway! 

There is definitely a whole heap of psychological unravelling to be done there!

What I do know is that this is a pattern so deeply ingrained over so many years that it’s going to take a little more than some positive affirmations to turn around. I’m working on it, of course I am. I’m here writing this, after all.

It must start in the mind but from there I must begin to not only think but act as if I am the person I know I was meant to be all along. I must 'Walk the walk' and 'Talk the talk.' From there, I’m certain everything is possible.

 

~ Day 14 ~

What’s it all about?

I sat down initially in mind to meditate for an hour this morning, as I had fallen asleep the last couple of times. But when it came to it I set the alarm for two hours, settled on the floor instead of the sofa, and though there were times I certainly dozed off, most of the time I was in a meditative state and working through the whirlwind of thoughts coming through my head.

As I sat down to write this with trepidation today, not really knowing what I wanted to write about. I find myself wanting to write something I feel people will want to read, when I know that actually, I just need to write about my journey, in its true and honest totality.

I’m aware that I am constantly looking forward into the future, trying to work things out, making plans and having all of my little ducks lined up when, there is only so much planning that can be done.  I can only truest work on the here and now, while being true to myself. Where then does the line between having goals and dreams start, and living in the moment end? To live in the moment with any sense of being alive, I must surely have dreams and aspirations to want to follow?

Perhaps it is to live in the moment as if I were already at the point in my future that I desire so much. If I am thinking of a far-off future rather than one that exists in this moment, I will never get there, because it will only ever be the future.

*****

I am torn between 'just being' during my meditation and having a purpose to it. Are those my thoughts taking over, my ego wanting a purpose, or is it me focussing on something to bring my mind back, whenever it goes whirling?

I don’t mean to have a purpose in that I allow nothing else to flow through me, and I would not want to be controlling my thoughts either, as I know this will mean rebellion and consistent whirling, I wonder though, if by setting an intention, I will come out the other side with revelation, or maybe I won’t! Trusting in the process and letting go of this controlling part of me I feel will be the biggest challenge over the coming days, weeks, and months.

It is difficult to assess if there have been any changes in me, in the time I have been meditating, because my whole environment is different. I am in such a peaceful place literally, that emotionally I cannot help but feel more enlightened and at peace within.

In a sense I feel I am in a meditative state much of the time I am awake. Not while I am writing or working, but when I am reading, driving, walking.  Not a true meditative state where everything switches off and I am left only with my inner self, but certainly a degree of tranquillity that

I have not felt for a very long time, if ever.

As I sit here writing this, what I do know is that I do not want to go back to the life I have just left behind. The people, yes, absolutely, but the physical part of my past is over, and the realisation of that has brought raw emotion to the surface, borne of a real sense of relief.

I can be whoever I want to be. Now to work on who that person is.

 

~ Day 15 ~

My belief system is changing, it’s a revelation!

What if you had spent your whole life, or certainly a vast majority of your adult life, listening to your 'gut', basing your decisions on how the thought made you feel and in one meditation sitting you realise that the feelings you are having are based on your past thoughts and actions and have nothing to do with the ‘real’ you?

This is what just happened to me. I can be whoever I want to be. I am in control of how I react to everything, and how I communicate with everything and everyone around me. I can choose how I want to think, feel, and act in the moment, based on the truth in front of me, and not on my past relationships, previous encounters, the way I was brought up, or the events that have occurred throughout my lives.

Take a relationship as an example. I can choose to choose my partner every day. As soon as I wake up every morning, I can decide that the man I am with is the one I want to be in my life, creating a mental list of the reasons why, and then go on with my day. I can only imagine the impact that will have on my future relationships.

I can also choose to not let anything anyone says or does affect my state. It’s my choice!

It’s not about basing everything on a gut feeling; about a person I’ve only just met for instance, which is based on a collective of memories of different people that in some way match the profile of the person in front of me. It’s about choose to get to know this person, understand their story and decide to decide that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have, in this moment.

Because right now is all I have!

If I am to move forward in the most enlightened state that I can achieve, I have to let go of the past, let go of old belief systems and memories of emotions that do not serve me.

Yes, I sit here today as an amalgamation of everything that has gone before me, but it is my choice what I take forward from today. Every day. Every day is a new beginning, a chance to set things straight, to set a new course and create new dreams and goals based on the person I know I was  always meant to be, before I allowed the trials and tribulations of life to take over and squash parts of me.

We are all amazing individuals with capabilities far greater than some of us can even imagine. It’s time to start imagining, and start actioning. Taking control of my life means taking control of my body and mind, setting down new beliefs and core values, new patterns and new ways of being around others, that create only positive influences for myself and everyone around me.

I need to take note of when I react in a way that isn’t appropriate, understand what it was that created the feeling, analyse it, I mean really analyse it, understand where it came from, and then make the decision that next time I won’t react that same way.

Awareness is the first step to any change. It won’t happen overnight but with a conscious decision to change, by understanding the things that push my buttons and why, I will be settled in a place where I can start to override lifelong, limiting beliefs and patterns.

How exciting is that!

My choice, my choice, my choice

I can be whoever I want to be, so, who do I want to be?

Hi, my name is Jacqui Greene. I am a spiritual, adventure-seeking, love-giving soul, filled only with love and light for everyone and everything around me.

This does not make me weak; conversely, it makes me stronger than I have ever been.

I see the beauty in everyone and everything around me, and I understand that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

I no longer worry what others might think because this is my game and my game alone, and I know that the state I live in is one of pure loving and giving. I also understand this is why I have been blessed with following my path, rewarded with the gifts that I have been given, to live my life the way I have planned out. Able to afford to give my family the life they all deserve while knowing I enrich the lives of everyone I come into contact with, whether that be with just a smile, a kind word or gesture, a specific action or set of actions based around the work that I do in helping people find the light that shines within us all.

I have the most wonderful life, and I am humbled to be able to help others  to create their own successes.

What an amazing, beautiful thing it is to be me.

 

~ Day 16 ~

Memories of when I was eleven came to me today.  There is something about that time in my life that I often go back to. It’s not a specific place and time; though I know where we were living and the school I attended, it’s more a feeling, an essence of peace and happiness. Whenever I go back there, I see myself in the playground at the middle school I attended for just a few months. I see a happy, content, self-confident, somewhat independent little girl, who is loving and gives love unconditionally. I know this is the person I am inside, before 'stuff' happened and the memories began forming that now affect me on a day-to-day basis.

The sense of peace has started to return. I am being conscious before meditating, of areas that I would like to delve into, such as my limiting beliefs, what they are, and how they make me feel.  Following this with the considerations, feelings, and actions I see in my present self.

I know I have been the person before that I want to be again, and getting back to that state seems easier now more than ever.

I have confidence, self-confidence, happiness, unbridled love, and compassion within me. All I need do is lift the veil of judgement, worry, and self-consciousness that has formed over the years.

I realised today that the statement 'The world is my mirror' perfectly represents my life. That the issues and challenges that have previously hindered my life have come from exactly this notion. What I see, fear, and receive from others comes from me, from my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Being completely aware when I am judging someone or something, noticing when I see anything but beauty in a person and observing when I am picking fault in an action, will, I believe see me start to form the new habits to bring back to the person I have always been.

What a sensitive soul I must have been to have allowed the experiences during my lifetime so far to affect me so much that I have enabled myself to create a pseudo self that I don't even particularly like!

Oh wow! This is what part of one of my experiences in Peru was about!  

I traveled to Peru in November 2015 to take part in an Ayahuasca ceremonies retreat.  It was a life changing experience, life affirming, the most amazing and also  the scariest thing I had ever done.

The realisation above is associated to the events that occured during my third and last participative ceremony, during which I experienced the vision of a 'creature', in what I can only describe as an enveloped position, over me. I wasn’t scared; it was as if I was experiencing the event from a third party position, and when the shaman finished working with me to remove said creature, I simply recall settling down to sleep.

What was absolutely incredible about the whole event was that one of the other participants had seen the 'creature' in my place. They detailed to me the next morning how they had looked over and seen this 'thing', how they had been frightened that I was not there and then relieved when our shaman had come 'to my rescue' and relieved greater still when later they had glanced back my way to see me lying peacefully where I ought to have been earlier.

We were told it could take many weeks or months for our understandings and realisations about our experiences with Ayahuasca to come to light and the recount of that particular night by my fellow participant had given me complete belief that all of my experiences on that amazing trip had been 'real' and had a purpose or meaning. I didn’t know what the meanings or purpose were, until right this moment, when the understanding hit me like a bolt of lighting while I was writing.

What my fellow participant and I were seeing was me. It was the part of me that I have created and showing to the world for the past few years. It makes sense that they did not recognise me, because during my trip to Peru, I was able to be 100% me, the person I know I am, my true self. They had not seen the 'other' me until that moment, and I can understand why they were scared. But it also makes sense now why I was not scared: this 'creature' was known to me; I was comfortable to be surrounded by it, enveloped in it, because I had been wearing it for years.

The reason I was able to form such close bonds with so many of the people on that trip was because they saw the true and complete, beautiful, enlightened me. This is the me I only want to show the world from this point forwards, and I will continue to do all the work required to ensure I completely remove the 'creature' that I have allowed to envelop me now, for far too long.

 

~ Day 17 ~

So if I can be whoever I want to be—who am I?

I am a successful writer, a best-selling author. I’m a successful businesswoman because I am a giver, a lover, a friend, a confidant. One of life's happy people who makes the world a better place for being here.

I help, inspire and challenge people to be the very best they can be.

I’m a truth teller, but only ever with love.

I see greatness where others may miss it, and I see beauty in everything.

My goal in life is to be the very best me that I can be and to help others to be the same, by helping people to realise they are uniquely beautiful and can be whoever they want to be.

I am confident, self-confident, sexy, loving, caring. I give my all to everything I set my mind to, and I live in the moment.

We all have a story; that’s our past. My ultimate goal is to help anyone who wants it, to see their future can be anything they want it to be.

I am a giver.

I am tall, beautiful inside and out. I have empathy, and I use all of my knowledge and learnings from life to help others see theirs from a different perspective.

I am a coach and a confident leader.

I am a speaker, a presenter, a giver of information, a sponge to new information, always prepared to see alternative views on varying subjects, never held in a position of righteousness.

I am a learner, a student of life, ready to gain knowledge and understanding on all manor of subjects.

I am a charity worker, an aid giver, a good person; one of the good guys.

I am sincere, honest, reliable. I do what I say and I say what I mean.

I am excited by life. I broaden my horizons at every given opportunity, and I use the knowledge and understanding from my past as a tool to project me as a better person into the future.

Past challenges serve only to help me realise how amazing my life is and what a wonderful person I have become because I decided to decide to be.

I took action where action was needed and I reap the rewards by giving first.

Learning to get out of my own head and taking action in the present moment is how I got to be the person I am today.

The past has gone, the future is promised to nobody, now is a gift, which is why it is called the present. We only have NOW.  NOW is all there is so I am grasping now with both hands and running with it.

 

~ Day 18 ~

There is a realisation today that being whoever I want to be vs. letting go of the me of the past is not something that is going to happen in a flash. If it was that easy I guess I wouldn’t feel the need to be here in the first place.

Or Perhaps, it is as easy as I am prepared to make it?

Years of unconscious personality building and the hardwired patterns and routines that come from that will take some undoing while I restructure and input new habits and patterns.

If I didn't already know it, what I am beginning to understand is that it will take time and effort, which is fine, I have the time and am prepared to put in the effort, because the alternative is no longer an option.

I know there are areas I have to be brave, many areas, but that point of braveness will subside in a short enough space of time, if I’m willing to not be overtaken by it.

Being aware is definitely the first step, and understanding that this is about me, but that my life cannot be centred around me.  My life must be focused on others or the selfishness that comes from being preoccupied with myself will bring back the old patterns that I am working hard to erase.

I must ask myself 'What can I do for you' or 'How can I improve your day' or 'How may I serve you' to other people, but most importantly, to the universe. In many ways, realising there is so much good I can do in this world, if I only focus on that, and not my own old self-conscious and self-obsessed ways.

From this point forward I will not only be aware of when I am thinking less than productive thoughts about myself and preoccupied of what I think others are thinking of me, but I will also focus on ensuring that those thoughts are recognised, rather than being a servant to them. If in conversation I’m not putting the other person first, I will recognise this and take immediate action to rectify, putting the conversation back to them and being genuinely interested in what they have to say.

I will also seek out ways in which to help someone, whether that be in the obvious cases of donating to charity and helping those less fortunate than myself, or to the more specific ways that I can help people with my business as well as with my gift of being a beacon of love and light, helping others to find their greatness inside.

I feel somewhat like a missionary saying that but it holds so true to my soul that I simply have to find a way through that old personality of mine to be able to give the very best of me that I can.

 

~ Day 19 ~

What if our thoughts are only thoughts, the continuous swirl of words running through our heads just the little child inside, and we really could learn to put them at peace?

I spend so much of my time judging, evaluating, worrying, and considering, what if we were to just be? Letting go of the past and surrendering to the future, only giving notice and energy to this very moment.

If I could learn to see and hear my thoughts, only as thoughts and not as facts, perhaps life would find simplicity, quietness, and a beauty I’ve not known since childhood.

I was considering my relationship with my puppy today. I don’t judge him, project what I believe he is thinking, or concern myself that he doesn’t like me or wouldn’t like of me, if I did a certain thing. He just is, with all of his unconditional love, and I the same for him. Imagine if I could treat all of my human relationships in the same way.

Well, what’s stopping me?

The very act of overthinking is, in itself, self-obsessed. It is selfish.

To be in a state of divine love, to love myself unconditionally and everyone and everything as such, I must learn to let go of the conditioning that has led me to the words that fill my head. I must stop the torrent of emotions and simply learn to just be.

I must understand that when I am projecting thoughts, I am fantasising, making things up, creating a false reality that I am completely in control of. To be aware that I am doing this is, like any learned behaviour or addiction, the first step toward change.

Recognition is the first step on the road to addiction recovery. Then, bit by bit, I must learn to retrain my brain when I recognise the old thought patterns occurring, so that I can see them, thank them for appearing, and then allow them to pass on by, like clouds on a spring afternoon. The thoughts are there but I don't need to hang on to them and I most certainly don’t need to attach any sort of meaning or emotion to them.

*****

Those two weeks brought clarity to me, on so many levels. Clarity about what I was doing, meditating every day and writing about my experiences so that others might learn from them, was exactly what I needed to be doing. Clarity that it wasn’t all going to be reams and reams of thoughts, ideas, and actions spilling out of my head and all over the page. Clarity that things had to change, not for just a couple of days or weeks; things really had to change. Clarity that I was learning, growing, and ultimately understanding how to love myself, completely.

 

There were still many days ahead of me but hope prevailed that this really was going to make a difference.  I was truly starting to allow myself to settle into believing that this journey I had started was going to make the difference I had been looking for in my life.

Letting it all come out ~ Days 1 to 6 ~

Letting It All Come Out
 
There is a beauty within you that runs so deep
If only you would open your heart towards yourself
You would see then what I do
and truly understand just how magnificent you are
 
There is a light that shines so brightly inside you
I am blinded by its presence
Stand from behind the shadows of your mind
and let us all bask in its beauty
 
Now is your time, your moment, your everything
Free yourself from the binds of your past
Let the world rejoice in the gifts you have to offer
and no longer fear that which only resides in your mind

 

 

~ Day 1 to 6 ~

When I was a child I was forever on the move, a 'fidget' my Mum would call me, not able to sit still for more than a few minutes.  As I started this journey, contemplating sitting in the same place for my first meditation, I found myself concerned with how I was going to sit still for any prolonged period.

I knew enough to be kind to myself and was prepared to consider different options for spending time with myself, in silence.

I had picked up some adult colouring books before I headed out to France so I decided that these would be a way I could initially sit with myself and my thoughts, for at least an hour, without getting restless.  Having always been creative and one who loves doing anything involving my hands, I figured sitting and submersing myself in the colouring would help to clear my mind so that whatever needed to come to me, and through me, could.

By this point I had watched almost all of the '100 days of meditation' videos that had sparked the idea for this book and I had an understanding of what I might be about to experience.  Described as 'opening the floodgates', I was to find myself incredibly grateful for the foresight that the first week or so of submersive meditation could bring about torrential thought download.

I settled myself at the little wooden kitchen table, just under the canopy of the mezzanine floor of the little gite I got to call home, for a few months at least.  A small vase of roses beside me drifted their scent under my nose and the warmth from the wood burning stove, which softly flickered and sparked in front of me, ensured that I was perfectly relaxed as I spread the multitude of rainbow coloured, fine felt-tipped pens across the table and opened the little colouring book, with all of it’s unseen promises, to its first page.

On that first page sat the most ornate depiction of a peacock, all majestically feathered. I caught myself not wanting to spoil its beauty, what if my colouring didn’t do the picture justice? But as I placed the first strokes of jade within the body of the birds blackened outlines, I shook aside those feelings of self-deprecation began to lose myself within the creativity.

It was in that moment of focus that the whispers started, the slow rumble of the impending avalanche of thoughts, feelings, judgements, considerations and opinions.  I grabbed a notepad and there I sat, for an hour, caught almost robot like between the creative colouring and the annotating of the words that flooded through me and onto the page of the notebook beside me.

Day one rolled into two and by day three I began wondering if this was ever going to end.  I had forgotten what I had learned about the clearing out of everything when we allow myself to truly open up to whatever needs to come out, and I became concerned if would ever find peace through this practice or if this was it. Was this what was meant by meditating? Did the brain just take over and go crazy, hurtling thought after thought at you like some sort of internal machine gun on auto fire? Or was I in fact going crazy?

On day four I changed tack, chose to no longer sit colouring, to just sit in my own space and see if that brought some peace. But no, still the seeming assault on my desired harmony continued.  So I decided to accept what was happening, started to understand this must be the process I had to go through.  I sat and let it all flow through me, as best I could.

What a week, I was exhausted! But, the sense of peace had started to drift into my consciousness.  It was all perfect, it was all supposed to have come out, to make space for the beauty that had only just started to express itself.

Written as it came out of my body and followed up by my understanding of it, later in the day, this was the beginning, the process I clearly needed to go through, and not an example of the unbelievable enlightenment that was to come during the later days, weeks, and months.

Prepare yourself…..

*****

~ Day 1 ~

Meditation through colouring

This is the first time I have tried this and the words that came to me like a bolt of lightning were 'Que Sera Sera', What Will Be Will Be. Apt, I thought, considering it’s my first full day in France.

Whatever will be, will be.... what does that even mean to me? Well ultimately that no matter how hard I push, the universe has my life mapped out for me. If I follow the path that speaks to my soul I will be happy and fulfilled. If I push for the life I think I ought to have, I find myself in turmoil, wanting for more, or for something different and being 'taught lessons' along the way, time and time and time again.

I speak from the experience of having grown up with the idealistic view of being married with 2.4 children, living in a house in the country and living 'happily ever after'.  Their perfect Fairytale ending?  Sadly, rather than listening to what felt right and what didn’t, I’ve pushed at every relationship, believing it 'would be alright in the end' even when when I was being treated less than appropriately.

A failed marriage before I was 21, a long-term struggle with a man who ultimately couldn’t give me, or I him, love in the way we each needed and a rebound to a much younger man who I allowed to control me in more ways than I care to admit to.  These along with many other short term, yet somehow no-less painful encounters along the way finally taught me to stop pushing.

It seems to me that perhaps had I listened when I was in pain, mentally and emotionally, perhaps things wouldn’t have got to where they did a few months ago?  I’ll never know that and know not to punish myself for past decisions made.  I must learn from them all though.

I wonder what happens next.

 

~ Day 2 ~

Allowing my mind to be free

Concentrating on the job in hand while putting no boundaries up to the words entering my head enabled many thoughts to come to me. It was as if the floodgates were beginning to open and everything I had bound up inside wanted to come out, at once!  So I let it all flow out, headline, after headline, like bullets from a gun, shooting from my mind onto the notepad to which I added my understanding to later that day.


Don’t play games

Such a simple statement, yet with meaning that is so important when it comes to relationships. If I like someone, tell them and show them. If I don’t or am not sure, be true to them and to myselves. If we are meant for each other there will be no bounds to our communication. If we are not, then by showing my true self the truth of the relationship will show up more quickly, allowing me to be free to move on.

 

Be true to yourself

This is massive, and goes hand in hand with the sentiment above. If I choose to ignore 'the little voices in my head' then I do so at my own risk. Yes, there is always an element of fear around new adventure, new beginnings, and new relationships, but listening to my thoughts and also basing my interpretation of those thoughts on facts will ensure I am following my rightful path.

Something I have learned over the last 6 months is that when something feels right, it is, and when it feels wrong it is too. Of course I have had worries and concerns and over-analysed most things, but ultimately by trusting my 'higher self' I have started on a journey that is taking me to places and situations I would never have believed I would have been in, just a few months ago. This includes sitting here, writing this, in a dream location that feels so naturally perfect.

 

Stray outside of the lines!

That’s not to say throw myself off the cliff, but have the courage to venture out of my comfort zones. I have heard many times that we are either growing our comfort zone or it is shrinking; it cannot and will not stay the same. If I do nothing to grow it, it will naturally start to shrink, so push, just a little bit, every day. Take the step from comfortable to slightly uncomfortable. When I get used to doing this and it in essence becomes part of my comfort zone, then step a little further. Just 1% improvement every day will see a whole different person within a year.  Wow.

 

You are an inspiration

This has been said to me a few times over the last few months because of the ventures that I have taken. It’s funny though, because I haven’t once felt like I should be or could be an inspiration. It is however what I wish for my life, to be able to help others understand just how amazing they are.

It seems that out of adversity and my need to change my life, I am already starting to inspire people. This is so fabulous for me as it is what I want. Yes, my ego loves the attention too, there is no denying that, but I think it feels great because ultimately, I believe it is my destiny.

 

Out of adversity

Looking at other’s lives, it’s easy to believe 'they have it all' and are truly successful. Putting them on a pedestal when in reality we are all just fighting with our own fight.

I had experience of this only yesterday when I sent a picture affirmation to a friend who I hold in high regard and within whose presence I am always both uplifted and inspired. She responded, quite surprised that I should feel that way because, in her words, she is 'as scared as the rest of us!'

I think it’s really important to understand that whoever we are and whatever we are doing, we are all just trying to be the best that we can be, given our own set of circumstances. The trick is to realise that I am in control of my circumstances, and with work on myself and our environment I chose to be in, I can be whoever I want to be,  and have everything I want to have. Self-belief and an understanding of how wonderfully influential my thoughts are.

 

Look after those closest to you

Our relationships in this world are what make us human: our family, friends, loved ones, our tribe. Unless I want to live my life as a solitary lone wolf, I must ensure that I put my relationships at the top of my priority list. No matter how 'busy' I am, or what is fighting for my attention, I must allow my loved ones to break through those barriers. Carpe diem. Time is the one thing in this life I can never get back.

 

Look after you - first

I only get one body in this life and one mind, and I must look after them both. Treat them with the respect they are due for taking my soul through my years on this earth. I must be kind to myself: eat good food, stay active, and continually grow my mind.

 

Our true colours will shine through if we let them

Trying to be someone I am not will only result in my light dimming and my true colours being hidden. If I follow my heart and mind, and listen to those inner thoughts when things are both right and wrong forme, my true colours will shine through. From this place, anything is possible. Like a flame in the wrong environment, it will flicker and eventually die, but in the right environment it can literally set the world alight.

 

Good sleep is good! (for you)

Not just any sleep: good sleep. Regardless of the number of hours, continuous, uninterrupted sleep makes all the difference to my functionality. Too much sleep can also be detrimental, though. If I wake up groggy and feel I need more sleep and then end up with hours under the duvet, that were really not needed, I find the brain fog is ever greater and more disruptive.

Being active, both mind and body, during the day and shortly before bed, turning off all electrical items and not taking them to bed definitely helps.  My room being on the cooler side so that I can snuggle on down into the duvet, as well as ensuring that the room is as black as possible. Then resssst… take a few minutes to think of at least 3 things to be grateful for from the day and then let sleep come.

 

Friendship matters – stay in touch

We can choose our friends but we can’t choose our family. I have found that the line between the two has most certainly become smudged. There are people within my friendship circle that are 100% family to me now.

Friendship, real true bounded friendship, is something never to be taken for granted. Yes, life gets in the way sometimes and the days turn into weeks, which can then sometimes turn into months, but in this age of technology it really only takes a few seconds to say hello, and that connection could come at a moment when it is really needed.

 

Free your mind

Living in a society where everything is given to me on a plate, I feel like there is information overload much of the time, through the PC, radio, TV, and phone. There seems to be little time to stop, sit back, and free my mind of all of the ‘noise’.  I need to ensure that I make space where I can, to completely unplug and look objectively at the world, and my own life, free of any outside influence.

Time itself is the one commodity I can never get back.

 

~ Day 3 ~

My head was full of thoughts of my relationships, past and present what I sat down today. I decided to just allow them, not giving great attention to them and not ignoring them either  I realised that to try and ignore them would have only allowed them to behave like an un-noticed toddler, growing louder and seeking attention with greater tenacity.  

Thoughts of what I could have done differently, why did I not listen when things felt bad, what if I had acted sooner rather than later?  I didn’t have the answers and didn’t allow myself to get drawn in either.  I just let the thoughts go by like clouds, accepted their presence and when the fog cleared, the headline, like yesterday came like bolts of lightning in a superstorm, continuously and exhaustingly for the whole hour.

 

Where there’s a will, there’s a way

If I truly desire something, anything, badly enough, I find a way to achieve it. Conversely, when the desire isn’t there, deep down in soul, no amount of ‘wanting’ will drive me to action.

The words of Rumi come to mind; 'Your heart knows the way, Run in that direction'

 

Just do

So often I find myself being over critical. Over analysing and spending too much time attempting to reach perfection. I need to not get bogged down with the finite detail.  Perfection is a myth. I must learn to understand that the act of doing is where the magic lies. Nothing is perfect, shurely if it was, science would cease to be enhancing, our thoughts and desires would fade, and everything would come to a standstill?

 

Mistakes happen

I must learn to accept and move on, not allowing them to take over. Life wouldn’t be life if it wasn’t for the mistakes that we  make along the way.  A child doesn’t learn to walk without falling many times, won’t learn to talk without first working their way through their own versions of vocabulary.

No decision made is a wrong decision. It wouldn’t have been made if it wasn’t supposed to have been.

 

It’s not over until you decide

When I’m struggling to get something done, to achieve something or to learn something new, I can find myself all too often past the euphoria of the start-up phase and into the monotony of the everyday. The assumed repetitiveness, or indeed the struggle of hitting this stage of conscious incompetence, is a state my ego would much rather shy away from.

It’s my choice to either stop or carry on, to push through the perceived dullness, the mediocre feelings or the struggles, and to come out the other side to bathe in the glory of accomplishment and success.

Paraphrasing Stephen Covey, 'Begin with the end in mind'

 

Dedicate your life to you

If my body is the capsule within which my soul is travelling through this part of its journey, then I must appreciate and commit myself to be the best I can be. To dedicate my life to myself, to love, honour and respect who I am as my ultimate friend, loved one, confidant, and caregiver.

 

Make yourself the priority

Put first things first. If I don’t put myself as the number one priority in my life, I risk others treating me the same. I should put myself first and learn that I am a priority. There is noone on this planet better than any other.

 

Love you first

I cannot expect others to love me if I don’t love myself. I have realised that what I was misconstruing as love for myself was in fact my amazing ability to love everyone and everything around me while losing sight of who I am and what I need.

 

Forgive

A simple 7-letter word with such power behind it.

I have found that forgiveness affects me, more than it does anyone or anything else. I need to continue and build upton being able to look at a situation from both sides, to understand that we are all doing the best we can with what we’ve got, and to send love to those who have hurt me. This frees me from the binds of negativity, allows me to move forward, lays to bed the constant nagging in my head about how my past is affecting my current situation, and leaves me free to write my own next chapter.

I guess this includes forgiving myself too, and understanding that I was only ever doing the best I could with what I had, in that moment.

 

Just when you think you have nothing more to give.

The next time I feel like I can’t do it any longer, that I have given all I can give, or it simply hurts too much to continue, I must push myself just a little bit further. One more step, one more phone call, one more squat, one more paragraph. It won’t be long before I will be able to look back and see just how far I have come, despite my initial fears.

 

Are you still awake?

When I’m lying awake wondering what it’s all about, sometimes just reaching out to someone can be all it takes to make the difference. Whether it’s a partner, a friend via a simple message or even those on social media, the most important thing to remember is to not isolate myself. There is always someone who will care that I’m OK, and sometimes in the darkest moments, that someone could well be a stranger.

I must remember to reach out to someone who perhaps I haven’t spoken to in a while, just to let them know they are thought of.  

 

Trust your instincts

Wayne Dyer put it perfectly when he said, 'First be a good animal.'  I love this quote. It’s perfect on many levels and as with the best teachings, so very simple. I must learn to trust my instincts. I do already have all of the answers.

 

Finish what you started.

I don't think this necessarily means complete a task to the very end, but to let it be over when it is over. To not leave any unfinished business in any area of my life. From my relationships with people to the mundane day-to-day activities, and everything in between.

 

~ Day 4 ~

Try something new

Variety is the spice of life, they say. Well whoever 'they' are, I think they may be on to something!

It’s all too easy to get bogged down with everyday life: work, chores, commitments. All of which are important in their own right however there are an indeterminable amount of things to do, places to go, and people to meet that will broaden my  horizons, enrich my life, and feed my soul.

 

No Limits

The limits I have or see around me are almost always self-imposed.

‘I can’t possibly do that’, ‘What would my friend / Mum / partner think?’, ‘I can’t’, ‘what if’, ‘I’m not good enough’....  How many times have I thought or spoken these words?  This has to Stop It. I mean really, just stop.

I need to remove the self-imposed limitations, one shackle at a time, and see then how much I can truly grow.  

 

Expect the unexpected

When I can learn to do this I will remove the dread and worry from any given situation. I guess this isn’t about over-analysing or procrastinating; it’s about considering all the possibilities, working out the solutions, and then going and doing, with the confidence that whatever happens, I am ready for anything, and it is meant to be.

 

Make time for your loved ones

Hours, days, weeks, and months go by in the blink of an eye and I will then I haven’t spoken to some of the most important people in my life. I have make time for the loved ones in my life.

 

Love - friendship

Over the last few years I have come to understand that I am so full of love. It’s like it is literally seeping from my pores, especially for the people who have been there for me, seeing me through those dark days. The love I have for them holds no bounds. When I talk of the many different ways that they have been there for me, my heart overflows and runs down my cheeks.

I am beyond blessed to have the people that I do in my life. Though I choose to follow my own path, which sometimes takes me far away from them, they are always in my heart.

 

Love - Stranger

I am learning to be much more aware of the plight of those less fortunate than me, and to also becoming more comfortable in the knowledge the man sitting next to me on the tube, the lady crossing the street, the teenagers sitting around a park bench, the mums taking their children to school, the taxi drives, farmers, businessmen, artists, performers, homeless people, are all just people, like me.

Taking a moment to look around and see the world, with all of the amazing people in it, sending love out to everyone feels amazing, like a mirror shines the love back to me.

 

Don’t rush

Some things, just have to get done, but I think I would be well at times to slow down and take the time it takes to get the job done well.  Sometimes actually taking myself away from any given situation or task, just for a moment to allow my brain to rest, and in so doing enabling me to give more than I would previously have been able to, if had we just pushed on through with no regard.

 

Raw emotion

If it hadn’t been for my ability to literally break down and cry, those huge heart-wrenching tears, when there have been dark times, I know I wouldn’t be sitting here typing this.  I’ll take the lows to experience the highs that are now ever present since I have learned to forgive and to be grateful for everyone and everything in my life.  My hope is to be able to express those high emotions as easily as I have done the low ones.

 

Patience

I have always considered myself to be quiet a patient person but recently I have opened my eyes to just how untrue this has been at times.  A source of frustration for others in my life and something I am acutely aware can most certainly be improved.  Especially when it comes to love.

Having spent my whole life chasing a fairytale, to be somewhat dropped in to the reality of life, I still find myself allowing old baggage to tarnish new experiences. I am learning, though have a long way to go before I can be considered anything less than a little uptight.

 

Where did that go?

What is it with putting something down and forgetting where it is just a few minutes later? I can all too often walk into a room and not have the slightest idea what I went in there for? I guess the trick is to not get frustrated, decide to focus on something else, and allow whatever it was to come back to me.

 

You are amazing

Do I know how amazing I am? How unique, a one of a kind?  That there is no one else on the entire planet, quite like me?

 

The silence between the notes

The pauses in conversation, the background of a painting, the space between the lines. Sometimes it is in these places I find I can make sense of things, see magnificent beauty and feel great peace.

 

Don’t think, just do

Procrastination and overthinking has got to be the number one killer of my dreams.  Perhaps to weigh up the pros and cons of a decision is good practice but I must not over analyse, for fear of losing the creativity of the process.

 

Dreams really do come true

I guess not necessarily by magic, more with hard work and dogged determination.  They really do come true though, when I put my heart and soul into what I desire.

 

I already feel like I’m finding me.

I am so much more at peace than just a few days ago. The location I find myself, in this beautiful, tiny little gite, is helping.  The younger me would have already been anxious, bored in many ways and wanting to go home.

With no ‘home’ of my own to go back to, I guess finding peace in the here and now is perfect.  It’s not that I don't have anywhere to go back to, I know I am welcome at my parent’s homes, as well as with the my amazing friends I was staying with before I came away, but the freedom I feel, not tied to mortgage or rental payments, for now, is beyond anything I could have imagined.

I have spent my whole life searching for the stability of a 'forever home', realising now that the feeling of ‘home’ has been within own heart all along.  'Home is where the heart is'. Only now am I beginning to fully understand what that means. It’s not about who I have given my heart to, or about the house that I live in; it’s about home being inside of me. Wow, what an amazing revelation.

 

If this is how I feel on day four, I really cannot begin to imagine how peaceful I am going to become over the next 86 days!



~ Day 5 ~

Today was simply sitting, breathing, hearing, but not getting drawn into, the sounds around me. It was everything I believed meditation should, connecting me to the moment, and it brought a great amount of peace with much less gunfire like thoughts.

To love an animal

I don't have children so I cannot compare the love I have for my animals to the way people feel about their children, I know it is very different to any other love I have experienced though.

There is an element of need from an animal because of having taken their freedom away by containing them within our chosen environment.  Done out of the need to keep them safe of course, but am I really doing what is best for them?

I don’t have the answers. I know obviously that I couldn’t allow my horses or my dog to roam freely, but while I am in this place of questioning everything in my life, I wonder if I will chose to have animals again in the future.

 

Like a muscle

Learning new skills and creating new habits is, I feel, much like building new muscle. Stretching myself a little bit every day, creating consistency, and never giving up is what will bring me the rewards I am looking for.

Like today, it’s only day fine and I almost didn't meditate. I had to take the easiest route to complete my task for the day.  Which for me was to just sit on the sofa, without expectation, and the result: I got it done! I then got words down on paper and I felt the sense of achievement while affirming how good sticking to the plan feels.

 

Chakras

This is something I am currently enjoying learning more about, and beginning to understand the meaning of each area, colour and what it all represents.  Plenty more to learn yet though.

 

Music

It truly feeds my soul.  I read a quote recently that I loved; 'Music comes from the heart, it’s why it has beats'.

The sound of music stirs memories and emotions in me like nothing else. It can teleport me back to a different place in time, make me laugh and cry, it can invigorate me, or pull me down into sadness.

 

What is it I don't love about myself?

Whoa, that came out of left field.  The question evokes emotion in me before I even start writing. The short answer is, I don’t really know.

I know that I like myself, that I am a good, moral person whom, if I met, I would really like, I would get along with, laugh with and want to be in my company. I would look up to my strength of character and help me see that I am a perfect human being.

I sit here in this mini gite, with only my little dog to keep me company (He’s snoring by the door, in the sunshine) and for the most part, I’m happy. I yearn though to be with someone, to be held in their arms and feel the love and warmth that can come only from a lover’s embrace, when two souls connect and unite.

I feel so strongly that I am but one half of a whole unit. It is here that the lack of love for myself sits. I know logically though that I must first learn to be happy in my own skin and not rely on the energy of another to complete me.

I guess the strength of feeling I have means that when our souls unite, together we will be greater as a whole than we are currently the sum of the two parts, and that makes me smile from the inside out, while realising I may well still be chasing that fairytale afterall.

What do I not love about myself? The part that is missing, that is all, and that is a true revelation in itself.


~ Day 6 ~

A tough day

I spent a short time on my meditation today and admit to falling asleep, which while on many levels I think is ok, with the amount of sleep I am currently getting, I don’t believe it's necessary during my meditation time. Tomorrow I am committed to taking the time in the morning rather than leaving it until the late evening when I am tired and unenthused.

 

Make me feel important

This makes me think of a wonderful book a friend recommended to me a few years ago called The Five Love Languages, an easy little read, written by Gary Chapman which takes the reader through the different ways we each give and wish to receive love;

  1. Words of Affirmation

  2. Acts of Service

  3. Receiving Gifts

  4. Quality Time

  5. Physical Touch

My highest priority is a mix on ‘Physical Touch’ and 'Words of affirmation.'

I want to hear that I am loved, thought about, cared for. That I am pretty, sexy, wonderful. I want to be thanked for things that I do but I also want to talk, about everything and nothing. Conversely, I want to sit in silence and just be in each other's arms. A touch on the hand or shoulder, just because, speaks a million words to me.

The book helped me to realise where I could have behaved differently towards previous partners, but I also began to understand that, unless you are both willing to work at the relationship by understanding what the other person needs to feel fully loved and adored, then I could just be fighting a losing battle.

 

I don’t understand

Sometimes, I just have to accept that I can’t understand every given situation, motive, or act of another person. I must realise that we are all different, unique in our own ways, and love everyone for their own uniqueness.

 

Will I ever find true love?

Yes, I believe I will, with more belief now than I have ever had before. Through this process of self-discovery, with the books I am reading to help me understand how I can break the old patterns and through the self-development and self-worth that I am building by creating something here that is mine and mine alone, I know that I am becoming the person I want to be. I will attract the people into my life with whom all of those dreams can come true.

 

PMS

It sucks. The effect the chemical imbalance has on the brain is quite ridiculous. For me, it is like having a negative gremlin come and take over my thoughts, where I struggle to sift through the fog and back into the realms of reality. There is a positive side to it too, though, knowing that my body is still functioning in a way that, if I am blessed, will hopefully mean I am still able to have a baby. I can cope with a few days of freakish behaviour; I hope my partner can, too!

 

I wonder where life will take me next.

I still think it may be to LA. When I found out that my writing buddy was also in LA, I felt then it was meant to be. Perhaps it’s time I looked into other reasons why I would want to visit, aside from chasing another fairytale, to see if it is somewhere I would be interested in going regardless.

 

You can be anybody you want to be.

Understanding this completely is helping me to change the patterns in my life. Though it does feel like I’m turning a huge vessel in a small dock, it is going in the right direction. Writing these notes from my meditations is certainly helping.

 

Putting intention into meditation

As I come to the end of the first week, I feel that it is appropriate to put some intention into my meditations. This is, after all, a voyage of self-discovery. I don’t know that the results will be any different but I hope that by meditating in the morning and writing the notes up in the evening, I will be better placed in my day and on a more spiritual track than the way I have worked this week. We shall see!

*****

Wow, what a week!  Sitting here now, the 90 days well behind me and with the benefit of hindsight, I am so glad that those first six days were not what meditation, as I know it now, is all about.  It was all supposed to come out though, to clear the way for what was to come and I have a huge amount of appreciation of myself for sticking with it, at the beginning of the whole process.

I heard it explained a couple of months later that, as you follow a mediation practice for a longer period of time, the noise starts to dissipate, the clutter gets tidied up, put into boxes, labelled and stacked neatly into its rightful place. But you can only get the clear space inside your head by sifting through all of the clutter first.

Was it completely over? No, but the worst was. It felt as if the fan that had been whirling around in my head had been turned off and the thoughts were able to settle, and start to be made sense of.

I was certainly incredibly grateful as the overall tempo of my meditations slowed, and peace began to ascend.

~ A note from the author ~

I remember it like it was yesterday, that late soggy September morning, in the bathroom of my dearest friends’ home, where I had been staying with for more than three months. I sat doubled over in the bath, my body wracked with emotion, tears of frustration, self-pity, dismay, anger, sadness and rejection flowing out of my eyes, down my cheeks, and into the lukewarm water that surrounded my naked, shaking, ashamed, distraught body.

In so many ways the situation I found myself in shouldn’t have seemed so out of the ordinary. I’ve always been emotional. tears have come easily to me all of my life, through happiness, sadness, excitement, frustration, awe and joy. Though at times I have found this less than helpful, especially as an adult, I have always been grateful in being able to release in this way, rather than bottle my emotions up.

That morning was different though. That morning, that moment in time, my past, both near and far, got hold of me along with the sense of overwhelming confusion, the outright realisation that the fairy tale I had been chasing all of my life, simply did not exist.

I had been chasing knights in shining armour, Frog Princes, Prince Charmings and Aladdin's for far too long and if I was going to do, or be anything in this lifetime, a soul I could look back upon with self-respect and with my head held high, it was going to be up to me, and me alone.

I wasn’t ready for this realisation. It was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, stacked on top of many other events; some more significant than others, over the preceding thirty six years, all added together to play their part on that September morning. That morning, when those thoughts began to emerge, thoughts I never would have believed would have ever entered my head. Until they did.

'I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to do this on my own. If this is what living is I’d rather be dead'

As I sit here typing the words I have a gratefulness that fills my heart. It overflows from my eyes, down my cheeks, and onto the keyboard in big, blobby, joyful tears.

You see, those thoughts came as such a shock and with almost overwhelming intensity that my unconscious quite literally internally slapped me across my face.

I pleaded with the greatness deep within me that morning. I called for it to show its face and help me diminish those demon thoughts of ultimate defeat. To help me find a way to turn my life around. To prove to myself that I could stand on my own two feet, emotionally, physically and spiritually. To show both myself, and the world just what I was put on this earth for.

And so began the most amazing journey. A journey that has created my life as I know it now.

Within a few days I had researched, and booked a trip that was to take me deep into the Peruvian Amazon to partake in traditional plant medicine rituals, a trip that opened my eyes both to the beauty of the world and to some of the most beautiful people within it.

I met many amazing individuals, got to share unique experiences, and for the first time in my adult life, I found that I was able to be completely true to me.

As I returned home in late November, though I didn’t have a clear path in front of me, I knew that things were changing, were becoming clearer, and I was confident that the way I had been as a child, following my heart and catching my dreams, was how I had to start living again now.

Within a few weeks of my return from Peru I had decided on my next adventure. I had dreamt for many years of living in France but had never done anything about the pull. So I made it happen. I found what seemed to be a perfect little gite in South West France, in the Lot region, on a smallholding with horses and chickens, where I could take myself and my little dog Charlie.

I wanted to be in my own space, sit with myself without distraction, and allow space for the universe to help me work out what I was going to do with the rest of my life.

I didn’t know how I was going to do this, if I was going to end up back in the UK after just a couple of weeks, or if I would decide to live there for the foreseeable future. I just knew I needed to go.

It was just two weeks before I left for France that I came across a video series being recorded about the effects of continuous meditation. These were daily accounts that, when I listened to them, spoke to me in ways nothing else had. I needed to do this, I needed to understand myself in a way that was being portrayed in the videos, and it was then that I made the decision to commit to 90 days of meditation. 90 days, from the day I arrived in France.

Prior to me leaving for Peru I had no real understanding of what meditation was. I had never practiced. At that point I sought the assistance of a local practitioner who helped me grasp the concept of sitting, with and by myself for 10 minutes a day. Not only had I never meditated, I had never written either, other than journaling my experiences in Peru.

I came to realise very quickly that meditating isn’t about sitting cross-legged upon a tree stump for hours on end, assuming that all of my prayers will be answered. It’s about stopping and giving time to me, to my heart and to my soul. It’s about listening to the thoughts, beliefs, and suggestions that come my way, and understanding that when my head and my heart align, I am on the right track, able to effectively move forward in the direction of my dreams and goals.

I came to understand through the process that first I must see me. Not just believe in a better future but know it, as though it were such.

Dr Wayne W. Dyer expresses it in Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting as ~ 'You must attach yourself spiritually to what you have placed in your imagination as a future fact, and never allow anyone, anything, any circumstance, no matter how persuasive their case, to alter what you know to be your destiny.'

What I know now for certain is when the time comes and I am old and grey, laying in my bed with the last breaths leaving my body, I will look back on my life with immense joy and gratitude in my heart, most likely with those big blobby tears spilling out and running down my cheeks, a smile across my face, and with immense peace in my heart, knowing I did all I could while I was here; I made a difference and I leave this world better for having had me in it.

What follows is the day by day account of the journey I went through; journal entries of all of the emotions, the physical feelings, the mental roller-coaster, and the pure spiritual encounters that I experienced. The high days and the low ones, the amazing realisations, the profound understandings, and the thoughts, feelings, and actions I took throughout those 90 days.

The full process, from stumbling my way through the early days; battling with the onslaught of 38 years of thoughts and what I now know to be many ego related beliefs whizzing through my head, to where I felt most comfortable in practicing the meditation.

The understandings and realisations I had along the way as to what suits me best. That nothing is set in stone. There are no hard and fast rules and most importantly, just giving myself the quiet time to fully let go and process has in itself been one of the most profoundly beautiful benefits of this whole experience.

It has been the most life-affirming journey. I sit here today not a different person to the one who took those first steps a few months back, but a stronger, healthier, more focused, driven version of me. Where my love for myself is blossoming, my perception of my place in the world has changed, and how I am now on a path that suits my very soul.

Learning to stop and listen to my heart has led me on the most beautiful voyage of self-discovery. Life is exciting, beautiful, full of love from around the world, and I know as the adventures continue it is only going to get better.

It most certainly wasn’t all easy, there were times I thought I might be going crazy, but in the end it has been, and continues to be truly enlightening. My hopes, dreams, and aspirations are unfolding in front of my eyes, becoming my reality on a day-by-day basis.

Thank you for joining me on this journey and bearing witness as I lay bare what unfolds over the 90 days. I hope my journey inspires you to give more to you. More time, more attention, respect, understanding and love.

Jacqui xx