Breaking the Habit of Being Myself
You sat and you wondered and pondered and such
If this life was, well worth it, or simply too much
The ride that your body, your mind and your soul
Subjected you to was certainly not dull
Out of the shadows you drew yourself forth
You started to realise you were here for the course
The brightness within you, it needed to shine
And what others were seeing, you too, this first time
Awareness behold, to master we must
For this truly begins the changes in us.
~ Days 20 to 56 ~
The following six-and-a-half weeks saw my meditation practice take on a very different format. Following direction from the book and guided meditation of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself by Joe Dispenza brought a structure and an understanding to the process that I hadn’t realised was even possible.
The basic format focused on understanding my past, having awareness for the personality habits that were less than helpful, realising the person I could be if I so chose, and then focusing on the character traits that would see me emerge as the person I had actually always been.
Manifestation became a big part of the daily routine, and I detail on day 57 just how impactful that was for me as one of my manifestations became reality.
These six weeks saw my time in France come to an end, for the moment. Leaving behind the sanctuary and security I had found and where ultimately, I had started to find myself.
~ Day 20 ~
Wow, I am in a state of euphoria. Literally the excitement about my future and my ability to manifest who I really am is mind-blowing. I feel like I am on cloud nine from a 1hr 40 minute guided meditation by Joe Dispenza on Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.
I started reading the book when I arrived here and a few days ago began the induction part of the meditations. Today I listened all the way through and although I have not read the rest of the book, which I will do today to ensure I am getting everything possible from it, it was beyond anything I have experienced yet in my meditations, everything I knew I could be, and more!
For the first 20 minutes I worked through levelling down to a true meditative state, then to I brought to the forefront the mind-set and emotions that have held me back, before working on changing those thought patterns, and finally to manifesting the new me through gratitude of the experience as if it had already happened.
So powerful. I am not sure I can find the words but as Dr Dispenza states can be the case, I got up from the couch a different person than the one who sat down.
I’m in a state, with the most amazing energy inside of me. I don’t recall ever having felt like this before. If this is the difference these guided meditations has, it can only have an improving effect on everything for me.
I had been in a pretty level state before I started, working things out in my head about relationships and my neediness. When I finished my meditation though, I had nothing but love and gratitude inside, excitement about life, and a true knowing that the universe will bestow on me everything that I am prepared to work for.
So exciting, my typing is frantic as I attempt to put down on paper the feelings and emotions that I have inside with a sense of both urgency and wonder.
I can literally be whoever I want to be. I just need to learn the science behind the why and gain guidance on the how.
Just amazing, truly amazing, and I cannot wait to find out what sign the universe has for me that we are having a two-way conversation. I’m sure that reads a bit insane but with an understanding that everything is energy and everything affects everything.
I am beyond excited. I know, I’ve written this already but it’s worth repeating right now. The future is just amazing. The future is now, and it is amazing.
My business is growing. I am independent from anyone else, resulting in my choices in life being made from love and a desire to be with people to enable me to give that love and nothing else.
I no longer have the requirement for the income from the old business I have been with for 16 years. To have the house in France where the horses can graze among more acres than they have ever known before and with neighbours willing to look after them while I travel around the world, gaining and giving my experiences to others.
Speaking inspirationally on stage that if I can do it, anyone can. Telling my story and spreading my light to anyone and everyone who comes my way.
No longer held back by the chains of self-consciousness. I no longer concerned by what others are thinking because that is simply not my business. My business is to be the very best me that I can be and to feed my soul everything it needs before it is my time to leave this earth, which is a long time away yet. And when that time comes, my body will rest in peace and my soul will go on to new ventures, with a smile knowing in this lifetime I completed my mission.
I will be married, have children, see the world, and we will be one another's backup in everything while still allowing each other to be the magnificent individuals that we are. And when our bodies are old and frail we will rejoice in the life that we shared, both before and after we met. Reminisce over our amazing experiences, our family, and know that the sum of our togetherness was so much better than the two individual parts.
What an amazing future. Wow, just wow.
~ Day 21 ~
Never before have I fully realised the impact my fear of Rejection, bourn from severe levels of insecurity, has had on my life. It is a true understanding of this that will see me discover it completely, notice it when it appears, thereby taking away its impact on my life, enabling it to be removed completely.
I don’t have recollection of when it first manifested itself, though there are a number of specific incidences during my formative school years where it most likely started to take hold and become what has now become an ingrained part of my personality.
Recognition has to be the first part of healing and knowing this one emotion is linked to other less than helpful ones I allow to take hold, sets me on a path to changing to my innate personality that I know is hiding behind the learned behaviours.
From insecurity comes fear, anger, resentment, self-centeredness, neediness, lack of self-respect, introversion, overwhelm, over-sensitivity, and the need for outside recognition. They are all interwoven, like a neatly knitted scarf, and my belief is that when one thread is cut, the others will begin to unravel also, and release their hold.
I must ensure I notice the changes in me when any insecurity begins to rise so that I don't get caught up and entangled in what has essentially become a habit. Knock it on the head before it takes hold.
This is a process I have already started without really realising what I was doing. When I sense a thought or a feeling coming on that does not match with my innate personality, I take a moment, look at it head-on, and ask it to leave. No questions asked, no analysing it and giving it strength, just No Thank You!
It is easier said than done, and not a miracle cure, but I can feel the difference. The awareness in itself is liberating, and I am increasingly positive that I can beat this and move forward to the life I know is already waiting for me as I step out of the old me and into the new.
As well as knocking the old, unwanted emotions on the head, I must also learn to be in common with the newer, self-affirming ones. They must become part of me in a way that I don’t notice them. That they simply are me.
I guess it’s like when I learned to drive. At first, every single movement that I made was a conscious effort. Lifting and pressing the clutch pedal, where I placed my hands were on the steering wheel, where I looked at the road (I recall vividly not looking at the road in the distance but just in front of the bonnet, which meant every tiny deviation in the road required me to make an adjustment in the car, which of course resulted in a massive over-correction). As I began to get more comfortable, I recognised when some things became easier while others I still struggled with and then poof! As if by magic, suddenly I was no longer even thinking about it; I just drove, to the point that there are now times when I can drive a familiar route, get to my destination, and not really be able to recall the drive at all. Such is the wonderment and beauty of our self-conscious when it is working with, as opposed to against, us.
So here I sit, on the edge of consciousness, knowing the route I have to take to be the person I know I am. Prepared to look at myself inside out, to question every thought, feeling, and action to ensure that they are in alignment with the real me, and to work tirelessly at removing the old and welcoming the new.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I dislike the person that I have been. I have had an incredible life so far, with many wonderful opportunities, experiences, and celebrations. What I want now is the strength of character to go out there and be the very best me that I can be.
Am I introverted innately or is it learned?
This is a really interesting point for me as I start to recall all sorts of personality charts, conversations with others, and ultimately looking at the child I was.
It is easier for me to look at this from a third-person perspective and also from my training within the equestrian world and, more specifically, with a Natural Horsemanship programme called Parelli.
I came across Parelli just as they released what is known as their Horsenality programme. This wonderful course helped the human to understand the characteristics of their horse. It then went on to help them with the various training techniques to give and get the very best from their horse without force or intimidation, working with the horse at their level and not my own.
This was something I was very interested in, I wanted to ensure that I could be the very best I could be for my horse. So I studied hard and learned all I could about the four main characteristic traits and went further into understanding why certain 'Horsenalities' would show up in a horse that had perhaps been treated less than appropriately in its formative years.
This was specifically interesting for me once I have brought home my second horse, Reuben, as he was very difficult to drill down specific 'horsenality'. I came to understand that he was hiding a fabulous character underneath what initially showed itself as frightfulness and defensiveness.
I have always called him my mirror and as I sit here typing this, I realise that is truer than I had ever really understood.
There are also the memories of conversations of long ago and also to one just last week, with people I had just met, when conversing about personality strengths and weaknesses. I was told that I was clearly good at communicating, that I was outgoing and confident, and my retort was, 'Yes, as long as I am comfortable in a situation that is fine, but generally I am introverted and nervous'. Even as the words were coming out of my mouth the thought process of 'Really?' was flying around inside my head.
Is it such then, that I am more innately extrovert, having been poked at enough times at an early enough age to have curled back into my shell, into a pseudo introvert? Every once in a while do I poke my head out to test the water, happy in that place until the smallest of insecurity sets in and I scuttle back inside.
I look at other classic introverts and know that I am not like them, and yet I find true extroverts exhausting after a while. Perhaps they are not true extroverts; perhaps they are just putting on their own show of learned behaviours?
It is so incredibly fascinating. What I do know is I was a happy-go-lucky, exuberant little girl, very happy in either a group environment or creating stories out of nowhere, in the garden on my own. What does this actually tell me? That just like Reuben, I don’t fit in a box; I am beautifully and uniquely me. How wonderful and how incredibly satisfying to realise.
~ Day 22 ~
Having gone to bed feeling on top of the world, super excited about life and everything I have going on, I got next to no sleep and have spent the whole day being violently unwell.
The book I'm reading and started following the guided meditations from a few days ago mentions that our bodies can react to the type of mediation I'm doing because I am literally working at manifesting a heightened personality and our ego will work in mysterious ways to fight the process and stay within its very well formed comfort zone.
It wasn't until part way through the day that it came to me that this may not be a bug at all or indeed food poisoning but in fact a purging process, much the same as I experienced in Peru.
It's certainly been a complete out, that my body must have needed for some reason and right now, this explanation makes the most sense.
I felt myself not wanting to meditate this morning and knew that was my body fighting against it so I pushed on ahead. Perhaps not the deepest of states, but I got it done and it settled my body for a couple of hours, at least.
It's incredibly fascinating and I'm very grateful to have been introduced to this guided process to follow. Having previously felt a little lost and unsure of what I was doing, I feel more like I am on a very direct path and if sickness is part of that path, so be it.
So almost a complete day of rest for me, which, considering my days are restful and peaceful currently anyway, is quite something.
I have found myself thinking about what I need to get done, but I will listen to my body for now as as it is beginning to function on a more normal level as the evening draws in, I may get a chance to complete the tasks I had for today before it draws to a close
~ Day 23 ~
To create my own destiny, first I must know what my future looks like. If I don’t have a clear and concise picture in my mind, how can I create it?
Once I know it, can see it, smell it and taste it, I must begin to act like it is already as such and be grateful for my life.
It seems an odd concept at first but without completely understanding and then believing in my destiny, as if it was now, there is nothing to work with.
For my mind to work subconsciously to achieve the future I desire, it must be able to see that future and believe in it as if it has already happened. Setting in motion those pathways, I can see my future very clearly;
Standing on stage, delivering inspiration to hundreds of people by telling my story and what I have learned.
Lying in bed, 20 years from now, in the arms of the man I love, reminiscing about how we met and how it was always meant to be. The lives that we’ve led together, the accomplishments we’ve had, the beautiful children who have blessed us and are now grown
The books I have written that have positively impacted thousands of lives.
The business that I have built having discarded my fear of failure, fear of rejection, and sense of insecurity, for a more profound sense of self-worth and self-respect, no longer concerned with what others may or may not think.
I see security: financially, romantically, and with my health, and a constant state of gratitude and happiness.
Of course, life happens and sad things occur but no longer do I dwell on these. I allow myself the time to grieve when appropriate but always know that there is more that each and every one of our souls has to do, and that this life is but a tiny proportion of our soul’s destiny.
This state of gratitude and happiness is with me every day, and it is this which has seen me accomplish everything that I have set out to do.
Love, light, happiness and gratitude. No other state will do.
~ Day 24 ~
I came to the realisation in today's meditation that the habits my old personality has are much like an addiction. Like smoking, drinking, or drug abuse, I am so used to the way I live, the way I think, or the way I react to situations, that turning this around to a way that suits my future and how I want it to be is like cracking that addiction and will take much more than just a few meditation sessions over a couple of days.
Saying this out loud, it seems reasonably obvious but when it came to mind this morning it was a bit like a bolt out of the blue.
I’ve created this personality over the last thirty-eight years. My life experiences and the emotions associated with them have formed the personality I have today.
I wonder if this makes the old patterns harder to break? I don't really have an answer, I've never had an addiction in the past, certainly not a traditional one. It certainly feels like I have very much become addicted to the personality I have created.
I know that my future is bright; in fact, I am 100% certain of it. I know what it looks like, I know how it feels. I am incredibly excited about what the future holds, about the person I am becoming day by day. Little by little, I am creating that indentation, like water on a stone, that will change my life completely for the whole of eternity.
Confidence, self-assurance, humility, joyfulness, light-heartedness, and always coming from a place of giving: this is just part of what my future holds. Starting right now, the feelings that I have inside associated to that already means I am filled with peace and happiness, and with contentment overriding gratitude to the universe for showing me a path to my ultimate self that I am so proud to have chosen to take.
The next challenge I face while fighting the addiction of my old personality is to ensure I continue to follow this path of meditation every single day, despite believing I already know it inside out.
This particular meditation starts with an induction; settling the mind and body completely for 20 minutes before following on with recognising and understanding whichever emotion I want to remove from my personality and then letting it free to the universe, filling that void with the positive, self-affirming emotions as if they were already here and part of me.
I have previously mentioned that I don’t know how different I will be when it comes to the end of these 90 days, but as I now see a very clear path ahead I am more excited than ever. I know I am already so different from the person who began the meditations just a few short weeks ago.
To be able to notice and recognise when thoughts and emotions from my old personality are creeping in and have a process in place which enables me to stop those thoughts in their tracks and replace them with more self-affirming, positive emotions is a skill I look forward to building, like a muscle over the following weeks. I will be turning the action from consciously incompetent, to unconsciously competent.
~ Day 25 ~
The emotions and the physical feelings and sensations that occurred during today's meditation were incredibly interesting. It was quite literally as if the two personalities were colliding with one another, the old trying to outsmart the yet-to-be-developed new. It was incredibly and yet a little traumatic to both to observe in the state of the onlooker and experience as it was all happening inside of me.
Though I came away in a different state to that in which I sat down, it was different to other times, when previously I have literally bounced off of the sofa.
I believe this has to do with the state I started in. My head was doing way too much thinking. I also hadn’t settled Charlie and could sense him moving around, the noises grappling for my attention, pulling my mind back from the serene place it should have been in. Certainly a lesson to learn going forward.
I am finding this whole process so fascinating, and documenting it like this also ensures that I am looking back over the work on myself and seeing the differences and similarities as the days go by.
Today there is a considerable amount of doubt, around pretty much everything. Though I’m ploughing through at this point, I feel it would be beneficial to see these concerns head-on and answer them for myself so that I can stop the all too nagging voice inside. So, that’s what I will do.
The chap in LA (yes, there’s a chap - of course). I feel like I am pushing, the instigator of attention, the needy one (well, I am... it’s something I’m working on!) Am I heading down a path of heartache?
The last question is mine to answer as I wish. I can choose to see this as a route to probably heartache or I can choose to see it as the adventure I had in mind when I booked the trip. I can weigh all of the enjoyment of the trip on him, or I can focus on the other factors. The seminar I am so looking forward to and the finite reason I booked the trip. Meeting Rob, my amazing book buddy who is helping me through the stages of writing my first book which, by the time I get to LA will be published and perhaps even have even achieved bestseller status. Meeting up with Dima in San Francisco as well as seeing the sights and sounds of LA, Beverly Hills, Santa Monica and Hollywood. Going out to the national forest and pony trekking. So many amazing memories to be made and it will be especially wonderful now that my previous old business have found a replacement for me and I will have the additional space to do more of what I want during that month, including deciding what next!
I will just wait and see. Sit back and relax while I work on being the best me I can be.
Am I destined to be alone, forever? No, I’m not. I’m certain of that. What I understand though, is if I’m not well on my way to being my true self, then there will never be a 'right' person.
My future success: Can I make a go of whatever it is I am doing here?
Yes, I can do anything I put my mind to. Relating back to a TedX I watched yesterday, with the simplicity of 'you can learn just about anything in 20 hours' and 'the major barrier to learning anything is not intellect, it's emotion', I know that my future is very bright indeed.
Financial Independence or poverty?
How do I know which way this will go, once the ties are finally split from the old business? It’s completely up to me. I can choose whichever path I wish. I do not see poverty in my future so ultimately, yes, financial freedom is mine for the taking. I am both excited and grateful for it.
What happens come the end of April?
Whatever I want to happen. More travelling? I’m thinking South Africa is a massive possibility if I can continue to get Charlie and the horses looked after.
I am going to stop writing now, take some time out, and come back to all of these questions later.
As an answer to my own questions, after some time away from the laptop, out of the gite and into the beautiful countryside that is the South of France, my sense of self-worth has been restored. I can feel the emotions bubbling underneath but they are under my control and I have clarity of thought once again.
This just goes to show how a change is as good as a rest, and also how important it is to get out into nature as much as possible to reconnect with the earth.
~ Day 26 ~
What a difference to have set myself up for success, having walked and fed the puppy, had some good breakfast myself and then settled us both before I started my meditation, my mind and body were both ready and willing to relax into the state of consciousness needed and it felt amazing.
I was able to look at the emotions, thoughts, and feelings I am giving up, very much from a third person point of view, and then experience the emotions, thoughts, and feelings I am embracing with great clarity along with the new enhanced parts of my future, as now. I am seeing how different areas of my life will come together so that they can all work harmoniously, between building my business, travelling the globe, being married, and having children.
Wow, I am so excited and so grateful too. With the realities the universe is bringing to me daily as her part of the two-way conversation we are now having every day, my belief and excitement grows stronger and stronger.
~ Day 27 ~
Today has been a day of waiting for inspiration to hit before sitting down and tapping away on the keyboard. I then remembered what a mistake that is, and to just sit down and start writing. Inspiration will either come or it won’t, it doesn’t matter. I need not concern myself with what others may think, ensuring only that what is being written is coming from me and is my truth.
Today I have had to remind myself that I am early into the process and even less long into the guided side of the meditation. Not to expect miracles overnight, but to expect signs along the way from the universe to let me know that we are conversing. What I mustn't do, is try and interpret every tiny little thing as a 'sign'. Or maybe I should! Rather that, than looking for negatives, I guess!?
I have caught myself wondering what the signs will be, in what area, and with what kind of force. Then I remembered it is not my business to concern myself with such things, and to concentrate only on those things I have control over: my own thoughts and actions.
~ Day 28 ~
So many thoughts, ideas, and inspirations are coming to me now. It’s like my mind and body have settled into this new routine of the guided meditation, yet different to how I settled previously.
Previously, a routine for me would have meant boredom, but because every meditation is so different, even though the guidance is the same, each time I sit I am astonished to realise just how different each one is.
I’m so excited about what everything will be like come the end of the 90 days, though I also know that this won’t be the end of the mediation. Mediation will be a part of my life forever now. More importantly, giving thanks and being grateful for everything in my life: that is what will be a part of my daily routine for the rest of my days on this earth.
This experience is beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and the feeling of peace that surrounds me is so beautiful. The joy too when I recognise, and therefore am able to change, a part of the past version of my personality. A smile emerges across my face as I know each time this happens a little bit of the self-destructive me is being chipped away, leaving space for the self-affirming me that I now am.
Today I had so many visions, some of the next 6 - 9 months and also of what life will be like in the next 20 plus years. Book readings and stage appearances, giving talks and inspiring people. Presentations at business meetings, introductions, reading the intro to my book at events. Attending events in LA, getting my book, and therefore me, out there.
It’s so helping me to sew together the linear time that is now and that of the future. Knowing that all time is now, my logical brain is enjoying the connection between it all.
I also had a vision of one of my future homes. This house has come to me many time sin my life, a white wood-clad house on a cliff top. In this vision though I was walking hand in hand with my husband, leaning on his shoulder, reminiscing about the wonderful life we have had together. This, just one of our homes, if my most favourite.
Oh, I am so grateful to be getting me back. I can feel me, the real me. The person who showed up in Peru, the little girl grown up. The true, confident, loving, successful, peaceful, giving, caring, secure and abundant me.
~ Day 29 ~
I sit here straight out of my meditation, not having moved from my seat, ready to start my day with that feeling I am beginning to get used to and in many ways addicted to. A sense of peace, of knowing, and of trust that this isn’t me simply fantasising about what might be. This is it happening. I am me. I am confident, self-assured, with self-respect, joy, and happiness filling my body, no longer wracked with the insecurities of my past, knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that the future is everything that I can see.
My first book is set for launch. In 14 days it will go live on Amazon. I know I couldn’t have accomplished this previously, but through growing, believing and understanding that I am everything I imagine I am, and that I am worthy of the love and abundance in my life that I dream of, it is all coming together.
From the book will come speaking engagements, from the speaking engagements will come presentations, and then on to stage talks. This is it. My life and me is happening right now and it is so terribly exciting.
Though I can see a path, I can’t see specific details on the how; that’s not for me concern myself with. It’s my job to design the reality and up to my higher-self/the universe to create the how. There are opportunities everywhere; I just have to be completely open to them all and recognise when something is for me.
I understand this will mean tiptoeing outside of my comfort zone. I also understand that things cannot be different if I am not prepared to be.
The ability to recognise when old thought processes and feelings are coming up and then to tell myself to change those immediately is allowing me to laugh at the binds that used to hold me; not by making fun of myself but simply by being joyous at how different I am now.
It has come to mind that right now, everything is rosy. I have a slight underlying feeling of nerves that is trying to come to the surface, about how everything may come tumbling down around me at any time. It is these thoughts and feelings that I need to keep on top of and change whenever I feel them, but I also need to understand that life does happen. People and animals get sick, leave this earth, as well as all other host of things I would rather didn’t happen at all. But this is LIFE. If the birds were not allowed to eat the worms and we all were able to have everything that we wanted, the world would stop turning on its axis.
~ Day 30 ~
Understanding that it’s taken thirty seven years to create the personality that I am now, shaving bits away from and remoulding back into the personality I was always meant to be, I believe is key to this transformation. It is not going to happen overnight. That is why the guided meditation for just one area of my personality is four weeks long in total. From then, I know that I will be able to work in weekly stages but for the moment I must remember that this is a ‘little by little’ process, like water on the proverbial stone, and not one big revolving door. The world would literally turn on its head if that were the case.
I have to take each tiny improvement and view it with the greatest of gratitudes. This is what I am doing. I see my future now. Of course, I cannot suddenly have children and a husband. That will take linear time, but I can thank the universe today for those things as if they had already happened.
The mind does not know the difference between a real event and one that we have created, and it is this simple fact that makes this process all the more powerful.
'It is the possibility of a dream coming true that makes life interesting.' Paulo Coelho
'Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.' Napoleon Hill
Today my emotions are more level than they have been through the mediation, but the images are strong. New ones are coming on board daily. Today I see myself on stage, as always. I saw my children, me in the arms of my husband, the financial security, the cottage on the cliffside. I also saw me conversing with people, conducting one-to-ones and making making a difference in people's lives..
I am able to recognise that the feeling of anxiety, of being overwhelmed and my brain running wild, are all old emotions of the past, and by recognising this I can reduce them and concentrate on simply being me.
There are things I need to do; of course there are. There is no need however, to get anxious. The anxiety I feel is self-made. There is a difference between urgency and anxiety. No-one and no-thing requires those feelings of survival to be ever-present.
This is why I have changed my environment, why I will not go back to the environment I was in. I trust the road ahead will become clearer as I take each step forward. Just like the instruction on a navigation system, I pass over the details to the universe in much the same way. Work on this moment, this present time, knowing the destination is ahead and trusting the instructions I am given on how to get there.
I love with this analogy and will continue to remember it and work on it. Envision the Destination, put the instructions in the machine, and allow it to show me the way. Simply beautiful.
~ Day 31 ~
It is wonderful how just sitting and allowing my head and my body to be quiet enables the fog to clear and the path to open up in front of me. There is no forcing, no premeditating what I am going to be thinking about. I simply allow myself to just be.
The way that the guided meditation is reaffirming every day, where I’m taking my life is having a positive effect, on my life, every day. It is as if a guardian angel is sitting on my shoulder, tapping at my consciousness when my thoughts starts to go astray, and beaming at me when I am taking the right action.
The underlying feeling of peace and certainty that comes from this 'knowing' is affecting everything in such a positive way. It is just exactly as it should be.
It’s uncanny reading through the pre-meditation notes every day, seeing just how far I have already come. With this particular section of the guided meditation, it allows me to see the differences already occurring, and also make fun of some of the stuff I have written, as some of the thoughts I’ve had in my negative states have been disproven already, during this short time.
This sets a fire under to the process for me, the positivity, and my overall belief in what I am achieving continues to grow.
~ Day 32 ~
Today, though, I knew my period was due, it came with no sign of the heightened, over reactive emotions that normally precede it. Last night I felt a little overwhelmed having sent out my first book to the 40 initial subscribers, but I recognised this and, rather than dwell and wallow in emotion, I chose to sit and meditate again, and it felt like one of the most powerful meditations so far. I was present throughout and emerged at the end of it with so much clarity of being on the right path.
There was a sense again today of fighting internally, against the old. I am recognising that my body and mind are trying to turn off in the form of sleep rather than have me complete the full meditation cycle. This awareness is ensuring I stay present again and give my all to the process.
There is specifically a very different feeling between the emotions of the past and those of the present-future. The past feelings emerge in my solar plexus, directly under where my rib cage joins. The emotions of the present-future emerge from my heart space. It is so very definitely different and incredible to have the conscious awareness of the feelings.
I have thoughts and actions to take forward today associated with my book, which are in present time, contacting some other authors about reading and reviewing it for me, so that I can put their reviews onto the back when I get it published as a paperback.
Yesterday, I was looking at trainings around getting certified as a life coach for the future, but today that feels like I am forcing my path. Like it’s what I think I ought to be doing rather than where my path is taking me. I have been looking at the Robbins-Madanes courses. We shall see, but I won’t be making any rash decisions.
I was a little humoured to see that their head offices are in LA. So as there is no need to make a rash decision, this may be somewhere I visit and chat with someone about the course while I’m there. It also came to me to look into the courses around the same field, but via the teachings of Wayne Dyer. Again, I will look but take no decisive course of action unless I feel it’s the way forward.
The universe knows what I need and desire. The future is already written so the path is already laid for me to walk along. I am more confident of that daily.
I have been more conscious as the days go by just how much I have been affected by my concerns of what other people might think, from those who have no direct effect on my life down to my beautiful friends. I know that these concerns of mine come from a reflection of the thoughts of others that I have previously allowed to enter my head which is why I must first and foremost learn to be 100% loving in everything I do, and towards everyone and everything in my life. Without being able to be this person, my mirror will always shine back what I am sending out.
I am learning and practicing divinity every day, and I believe every day there is improvement.
I recall from my days of being totally immersed in the horse world that we used to talk about expecting a lot, accepting a little, and rewarding often. It would be good to take this on board myself as I step forward into the new me and learn to be the very best person I can be. Accepting 1% improvement every day means that in less than 2 months I would be 50% improved on the person who sits here typing. How amazing is that?
This is the most rewarding process. I am beginning to feel and see the effects, and though I do not wish for linear time to pass quickly, I am slightly impatiently excited to see where this takes me.
The book that I will write about my journey, will be proof that giving of yourself first, in a way that is of greatest benefit to humankind, will reward you back with a beautifully abundant life.
~ Day 33 ~
It’s really happening. The wheels are turning and the sands of time are shifting in the now.
The feeling of certainty I have is almost overwhelming and is fulfilling in a way I never understood before now.
The feeling of gratitude that I have for the thing I am manifesting is a real and true thing, and the feelings of old, self-deprecating habits are fading.
Having reached out to three highly respected individuals in the field of my first book, to ask if they would be happy to write a review of it, I heard back from two of them immediately and then, from the third , giving me his review. It was just the most fabulous experience and commands me to continue to follow my heart.
I am beginning to tell the difference between when something I am considering is all part of this magnificent journey or when it is my past personality trying to take control in ways it always has.
The Robbins-Madanes course seemed like a great idea but it doesn’t feel right for right now. I haven’t completely dismissed it, and have set it aside for now. It’s 'out there' and I know about it. If it is the path I’m supposed to take I will know soon enough.
My website being up and live, it’s a start. It is by no means perfect and could have lots of improvement to it, but by having completed the content in it I’m now able to set it aside for the moment and concentrate on other things that need my attention.
I have decisions to make around the old business, to stop waiting on everyone else and make some decisions for myself.
What seems right is to get everything in my head settled for the end of March before I head to LA. The time difference will mean teaching the new employee at my old business will be challenging so I need to be concise, get as much across to him as possible and then relinquish the ties that bind.
Lots of things to do, but today I give to the old business so that I can clear my head of the things that need to be done to enable me to move forward.
These are simple steps that mirror the larger ones I am taking.
~ Day 34 ~
Wow; I started today's meditation in a place of distress, having been 'hormonal' since yesterday lunchtime, thinking about past relationship, the dogs and cats I no longer get to see, worrying about 'stuff', getting myself down about 'stuff', creating depressing scenarios about 'stuff', all of which were in my head.
I had driven out to Sarlat yesterday to help change my state and it did a great job, but after drinks with the guys here that own the gite I’m staying in, and then being left to my own devices, the old patterns started to come back and I wallowed.
I was still somewhat wallowing this morning, and though I was conscious of it, I wasn’t being successful at making the change.
Today's meditation was powerful, the declaration and surrender brought tears, which I allowed to come, and the later manifestations were stronger than ever.
Something I have noticed is when I allow myself to truly let go, there is what I can only describe as a bright light which shines within my head, right where the third eye chakra is.
This has happened several days in a row now, at least that I have consciously noticed. I thought at first it was coincidence, that the sun perhaps had come through the clouds and shone through the one window which I have uncovered while I meditate, but it has happened so many times now and I know it’s something more, perhaps my higher self coming through, that I am evolving.
The future I am manifesting is getting stronger, the images are more detailed, and the overall picture and path is clearer. There is an air of impatience about me that I am aware of and understanding, also. There is also an underlying feeling of fear about trusting this process that I’m equally aware of and dealing, with as part of my old thought patterns.
I need to make a decision about stopping allowing myself to be controlled by the old business, and the worry that surrounds no longer having the security blanket that it has become. I need to make the finite decision that March 31 is the end of it, completely. I will be free to move forward without being bound by the old life I have left behind.
Or is this the old me running away because it’s painful?
This is the dichotomy I have been dealing with for months now and I am certain it will become clearer over the coming hours and the next few days as we get closer to the end that is going to come eventually, regardless.
I have a busy day ahead, things I need to get done to clear my mind. One thing at a time, without getting overwhelmed, just working through each thing that needs to be done, in the confident, happy, self-believing manner I am now coming accustomed to.
'Like a butterfly you will emerge out of the darkness and shine into your true magnificence'
I’ve had this quote on my phone screen saver since before I headed out to Peru and it dawned on me during my meditation today that this is what I am doing here in France. I have been the caterpillar, working my way through my life so far, gathering my experiences like munching my way through the leaves of life. I sit here in my little gite, having started to weave my cocoon in Peru, settled, nestled, happy and content. Building my strength, creating the beauty from the inside out. In just a few short weeks I will walk back out into the world as the new me. Someone recognisable only by my name and my outer layer.
There is an underlying strength of character not known before. The work on me began some six months ago and though some of it has been painful, every bit of it has been worth the journey to be where I am today. As I sit on the precipice of my future, it is an amazing realisation and one I can feel in my soul.
Now is the time to start emerging. To stand on those stages. To converse with all of those people. To spread love and light everywhere I go, with an abundance of confidence that comes not from arrogance but from a true, underlying complete belief that I come from a place of giving.
Love is my gift to the world.
This starts with spreading my knowledge. What I have learned this past year I can start to give back to people.
Perhaps I can start with some short videos. They don’t have to be all masterfully edited. Just me on the sofa, or at my desk, or standing at a wall if I am giving visual demonstrations. Short sweet videos. Not 20, 30 or 60 minutes long, but 3 - 15 minutes. Initially, 'Who Am I' and building from there.
This way I can start to build an audience. It is in line with my path of giving and works both for this and to start me on my path of getting in front of people. I may not be physically in front of people, but it is the foundation to being able to talk without hesitation and without self-confidence. Like 'just writing', 'just talking' will ensure it is the real me that people get to see. Once I start and people see the human in me, I am certain they will be more inclined to want to see more because I will be 'being real'. As the saying goes, 'warts and all'.
I could start with ‘Who am I’, then reading from my book - there are lots of videos there! Then there’s ‘Goal setting’ and ‘Mind Mapping’ too. Just a few to start me off. I shall mind map for other ideas too so that I don’t get concerned that I will run out of them.
The goal. One a day for 100 days. Posted on YouTube, then on to the home page of my website and from there onto Facebook, LinkedIn, and Twitter, too.
Let the new me start to stretch my wings.
Ohhhhhhh, I’m excited.
What an absolutely unbelievable experience this meditation process is.
~ Day 35 ~
Without action there is nothing. Allowing the universe to set up the path is one thing but if I don’t follow through with my part, on the action side, then there can be no outcome.
Today's meditation was one where I haven’t come away with some great enlightenment. I believe this is because I have yet to act upon the part of the journey that came to a head yesterday with the videos.
It’s time I started to come out of my cocoon. There has to be some sort of sense of urgency!
Or is this my ego talking?
I had cause to fight against old patterns yesterday and although I could see them occurring I failed to change in the moment.
Today I am hyper-aware of this and the consequences of not catching the negative, non-self-loving thoughts and feelings in the moment
So today that is all I am to be aware of.
I am the future me, now. The past is the past; today is the here and now.
While I am finalising the end of my dealings with the old business, I must not prioritise that over the future me doing what needs to be done on a daily basis.
Action: taking steps every day for my future.
~ Day 36 ~
Taking action makes the difference. What a day yesterday turned out to be. After deciding to take the action and just do it, I got done everything on my list and more, which resulted in me being in alignment with my future-now.
My confidence is growing daily. I’m not throwing myself off of a cliff; more taking one step out of my comfort zone at a time, allowing my comfort zone to grow day by day, so that the next day I can take one more step.
In terms of size, if my comfort zone started as one foot in diameter, if each step were just an inch, after a month it would be almost three times bigger!
I have started my videos, yesterday the intro for my web page. Today will be either an extract from my book as a reading or one of the training videos associated to the links for the book.
I also thought about the stories which my editor suggested I add to the book to make it more tangible. I wondered if I could link to some of the successes on the business website but decided that actually I wanted to keep the book non-old business specific and I also, in complete honesty, want people to come to me for advice if they have not started their businesses yet.
I have set the process in order for booking my place to stay in LA. All being well, it will be a perfect place to continue recording the videos, as it’s quite a blank canvas of a place. A great 'studio'.
My team leader with the current business wants me to get involved with the trainings for team. I am very happy to do that, as it will increase my belief in my abilities to present as I work on my future-now and presenting on stage to hundreds of people.
I read a great meme yesterday which focused my thoughts around my insecurities of my relationships. It read: 'I am not who you think I am, You are who you think I am'. Turning this around to the first person perspective (which is how I needed to read it), 'You are not who I think you are, I am who I think you are'.
This sits perfectly with the concept that the world is our mirror. Therefore, if I am judging, mistrusting, and creating things in my head that are not real, this is all coming from inside of me. I need to be very aware of this and realise that we are all individuals. We are not all alike. I will not judge others by the behaviours of those who have passed through my life before now. To live in the moment is to take each moment as it comes and be grateful for the here and now.
Here’s to growing every single day, if only an inch at a time. Here’s to the 30 feet increase that the next year will bring!
~ Day 37 ~
Meditating after not going to bed until past 4am and having less than 5 hours sleep is possibly not the deepest consciousness I could have had, but it was interesting as Charlie was incredibly restless, meaning that I didn’t fall completely.
If I allow myself time later today I will come back and meditate again.
I am realising while I am typing that I am allowing all I 'need' to get done to rule the time I have set aside for myself, so I am going to stop.
My head is literally a fog right now. I am going to shower, dress, walk the dog, and get some fresh air. Clear the 'things' I need to get done… Ha! That is not stopping! Wow, this is exactly how I don’t want to be feeling!
I am going to stop writing, probably pass out for a while to clear my head, and then re-evaluate my day.
Actually, no. I am not going to pass out. Five hours sleep is more than enough. What I need is that fresh air! Off I go! (Feeling like a crazy lady!)
~ Day 38 ~
As I have changed my routine to fit around the daily working hours of the old business, I can sense a detrimental effect on my meditation time and my mind-set. All the more proof that my connection with the business has to come to an end, soon.
Yesterday I had that all too familiar feeling of anxiety as I sat on a video call to the office with one of the new starters, and could hear my name mentioned in the background. Ultimately it enabled me to take another emotional step toward severing those ties completely while slowly 'reintegrating' myself from the isolation I’ve chosen to put myself in.
There is more integration coming as my Mum is due to arrive soon, so I will be mixing my time with myself, with the needs of others, and still put me first while I work through this process.
The guided meditations I am using are in fact only an hour plus the time I take to write here. There is no reason I can’t stick to giving myself this time both when Mum arrives, during the time I have left here in France, and then when I get to LA.
I’m over a third of the way though this first process but know that I have such a long way to go, and that continuing the process as my life moves forward is what will keep me on track to getting to where I want to along with my ability to be consciously aware of my thoughts, feelings and actions at all times. This is what is going to make the difference and ensure I remain on my chosen path to being the very best me that I can be and the person I always knew I could be.
I am confident, I am happy, I am successful, I am self-respecting. I am courageous, I am light-hearted, and I am free from the binds that used to hold me. I love talking to people, especially about my business. My book is a hit and is bringing people to me. I have speaking engagements booked in LA and in the UK. I am bringing in my income goal every month. My husband is amazingly supportive, loving and kind. Our children brighten our lives and challenge us to be better than we ever thought we could be. We have homes in the UK, in France, and in the US, and we travel the world together, seeking out new adventures whenever and wherever we can. My stage appearances have boosted my confidence with talking one-to-one with people in a way I always knew I could.
I am aware that I am still holding back from finalising my ties with the old business because of the income it is bringing in. I haven’t yet built up enough courage to take that step over the edge but I know it is coming. I am battling with the demons on that one and feel I’m winning.
~ Day 39 ~
I'm sitting in the car on my way to Bergerac to collect my mum from the airport.
I didn't think I would have time to meditate this morning because I chose not to get up at 5am, when I would have needed to, to meditate before leaving for the airport. However, Mum there was a flight delay so I had the time to stop at a service station, get the loo, walk Charlie, and sit and meditate really deeply.
I am both surprised and happy.
The feeling of connection to my future was as strong as ever, with incredibly clear visuals and feelings about up coming events.
When I am detailing the emotions I no longer want in my life, the way they make me feel and how I behave because of them, I can sense that they are leaving me. They are all events, feelings, and situations from my past, and their addiction is lessening.
I wonder if, like any addiction, they will always be with me to a degree and if I will always have to work at keeping them at bay, being aware whenever those familiar thoughts and feelings come up. Or maybe over time they will simply no longer be, having been replaced by the more loving and kind, productive thoughts, feelings, and emotions of the future me
The confidence and the peace are back.
I can’t imagine not doing this every day and having the opportunity to feel the way I do.
It also shows me how important it is to be completely committed, in the moment because compared to the meditations where nothing happens, the way I feel right now is invincible.
Long may it continue!!
~ Day 40 ~
Amazingly powerful meditation today, beyond anything that I have felt so far.
I made the space and time I promised myself, while Mum is here and I have been rewarded with a meditation that moved me physically as well as emotionally.
Having continuous sensations through my arms, whenever there was a moment of change, I continue to see a bright light behind my eyelids as I move from the old to the future-now.
This is so mind-blowing. I am literally buzzing, my fingers moving faster on this keyboard than ever before, because though I do not know what I want to write, I know that I do want to write. About this process specifically, but also to continue to write books.
To re-write Fast Track Your Success so that it appeals to a wider audience. It could help so many people. Then there are all the other books I want to write, including this one!
I feel so confident that this is my path, that this is the way I can spread the light inside. This and building my business.
I’m so excited having launched my first book today. It’s official, I am on Amazon. The reviews have started to come in and although I didn’t get to the 5 on each site that I wanted, I have got to 6 in total. I am sure now that the book is free over the coming few days the reviews will increase, and as I have seen the ranking in the one category go from 30 to 14 in a couple of days, I am also sure that I will hit the 'Best seller' ranking, perhaps even before my birthday.
Everything in my future-now is so exciting and so clear in my head. The path is set; I just have to ride the wave and keep out of my own way.
What a difference a few months makes. What a difference, putting me first and following what feels right, stopping being held back by my past and just trusting the universe.
I had said that it was much easier said than done, both to truly learn to love myself and to trust the universe. Now that I have started to focus on both of these it is becoming clearer, like a muscle that you have to work and the old muscles, that I now know about and no longer want in my life, by no longer working those they are starting to disappear.
I wondered yesterday if they would always be there, something I would have to fight, but I believe that they will actually just shrivel and die. Once they are gone completely they will be gone but this won't just happen and the trick will be to continue this meditation journey way past this initial 90 day plan. Because, when I think that I am 'cured' of my past, that will be the time I need to work on it the most, to ensure that the future-now continues to follow the path that I have set in motion.
Keep believing, even when the path takes a detour. When life gets in the way, keep meditating, keep manifesting, and keep believing. Why would I not, and what else is there?
~ Day 41 ~
I was up earlier today so that I could meditate without pressure (not that I had any yesterday, just that I was sensing I was bringing pressure on myself).
It’s been a good process but, as I have seen happen previously, after such a mind-blowing session yesterday, today's was a lot more sedate.
Working through the processes was more mechanical and less emotive. Still in the right direction, however, and my inner self is still working to ensure that I am on the right path.
Yesterday turned out to be fantastic, with my book reaching No 1, best seller, in two of the three categories it’s in, and No. 2 in another!!
I have things I need to do today for the old business, which is a shame, as it will interrupt the day for Mum and I, but I will get them done as quickly and as best I can. I advised I would be pretty much out of it for these three days so I am not going to stress too much.
I am manifesting my conversations for my business. Having my simple business cards will help, but I can also see old patterns there. It’s all very well having a tool but I do have to use it!
I have come out of the meditation with such a sense of peace about the next 20 years, like it is a given. A truth. Like it has in fact already happened, and I am calmed by the sense of security that comes with that.
These are the feelings and senses I have to hold on to, to ensure I keep on track when life throws curveballs. Not that I am expecting curveballs, just that I must be prepared to be the very best that I can be, in all situations.
Here’s to an amazing birthday-eve of smiles, happiness, getting hold of the old me and ensuring she is leaving while realising the dawn of the new me is upon me. The excitement that is building as I type that is exactly what I am focusing on.
I have just over two weeks left in France. I will ensure that these are as fruitful as they can be before I head home and then on to LA and whatever that will bring!
~ Day 42 ~
Happy birthday to me!
Birthdays are always a sign of new beginnings and a message I received first thing is perfect for where I am in my life right now; 'May you receive all the health, wealth, love, and happiness you can stand'. I plan on being able to stand so much over the coming years that my life will be positively unrecognisable to how it is right this moment, and right this moment is pretty blooming awesome already!
New beginnings have already started. I have the most amazing life, wonderfully supporting friends and family, my gorgeous dog and horses, my health, my creativity, and my beautiful soul, which I am working to set free at the end of my time on this earth with a sense that I helped her to be everything she was meant to be in this body, and in this lifetime.
I continue to have that overall feeling of contentment and peace, knowing I am following the path I was always meant to and returning back to the me I always was.
Trusting the universe and having her converse with me in both large and small ways, on a daily basis, I continue to meditate daily with the anticipation of her daily gifts to me, to show me that I am on track to receiving all that that I am manifesting.
What an amazing place to have got to, where this is my path, helping people become the very best that they can be.
My ‘Sat Nav’ is at cruising right now, I can feel junctions up ahead and I’m excited about where the next turn will take me while being content in the knowledge that wherever it is, I will be on the right course, at the right time, and in the right moment.
~ Day 43 ~
I have become aware that of late, I am happier within my meditations than I am in the conscious world. I wonder if this is usual for someone so engrossed and hope it is a sign that things are changing.
I can feel my old personality fighting against the changes and I am questioning everything whenever I am not focussing through the eyes of my new consciousness.
The things I thought I had manifested for my birthday did, in the end, not occur. The hot-air-balloon flight which seemed such a possibility only last night, is not to be. The weather has taken a turn. This has left me wondering what it all means. Is it that patience and understanding are to be learned? That everything comes to those who trust, wait and believe.
This is, after all, only day 43, such a short amount of time out of my life. I guess I cannot expect changes to happen this quickly. I am looking only for 1% improvement every day and that is for certain happening.
I find myself frightened at times that when my time here in France is done I will return physically and emotionally to the person I used to be. It is the consciousness of these thoughts which I hope will spur me on with the mediation practice and ensure that I continue to do everything in my power to ensure I continue on this path.
I must be committed to the meditation, committed to my business, believe in the future-me that I have created, and behave as if my manifested future has already happened. Without the action, nothing will change.
The universe can ensure that she shows me the path and leads the way for me. Positive thinking and focus work wonders, but I have to be on the path, to believe and trust that all will be as I know it will be, and that everything which comes my way is supposed to.
To not allow myself to fall into the trap of thinking and feeling as I used to. To catch these thoughts, feelings, and actions and ensure I change them in the moment, not dwell on them or allow them to take over.
The only thing that can take over are the thoughts, feelings, and actions that work towards the manifestation of the successful, confident, healthy and truly loved individual I always have been and always will be.
Thank you, universe. This is the most amazing journey that I am on, and the whole process is something I am proud to be able to put down on paper so that in the future, I will be able to help others even more than I have the capacity to understand right now.
What I realise is that right now, in this moment, I am only able to create the images and beliefs of my future, the person that sits here typing today. I’m understanding that as the days, weeks, months, and years go by, those future visualisations will be stronger, more powerful, bigger, and more impactful than anything I could create right now.
This realisation is unbelievably exciting for me as I know it means I can truly be anything I want to be, and I can help more people than I would have ever previously thought possible.
~ Day 44 ~
Today I start training the person who has been employed to take over my position at the old business. It really is the beginning of the end, it means I’m approaching the end of this current instruction on my personal Sat Nav which is warming up to let me know where I’m going next.
I woke this morning knowing I have this role to be getting on with and feeling completely unmotivated by it. I am working out if this state is simply down to not wanting to have anything to do with the old business any more, or because I need some fresh air, because I was in the car all day yesterday!
With eleven days to go before I leave here and fourteen days before I head to L.A, the next couple of days will be filled with dealing with the old business to ensure I cover enough ground before the time difference makes it more difficult. I will ensure that that rest of my time here in france is filled with seeing as much more of the beautiful countryside as I can.
I have achieved amazing things while I have been here and remembering that, as the wheels keep turning over the coming days, weeks, and months is going to be very important!
~ Day 45 ~
Day 45! Halfway through this amazing particular journey of self-discovery.
Perhaps it’s time to change what I’m working with in my meditations. To work on another emotional state, to move forward and look at all the different entities of the old personality. Being progressive in the hope this feeling of numbness that I’ve had for the last few days will leave me, to be replaced by feelings of renewal.
The impatience is also building as I approach the next junction in my life and I as I sense it, I am working to allow it to come through me and leave without having any effect on my state.
I really do feel like I am on the precipice. The next emotion to work with is something like laziness or over-contentment. I need embrace a more constant feeling of excitement, be energised and enthused without the underlying wave of self-consciousness.
I shall get the breaking the habits book back out and follow the procedure to creating the pre-meditation work again today and start the new regime.
~ Day 46 ~
I cannot expect to reap the rewards of the meditation I am doing if I do not continue to stay consciously aware of the new and old states as they swing in and out of my day. I need to 'change' state when I feel the old ways trying to pull me in and revel in the new state, giving thanks and being grateful to the universe whenever I recognise this is where I am at.
I need to step away from the meditation in a whole new time frequency, understanding that it is only I who can keep me in that state, and to ensure that I continue to trust the universe and follow my path as if everything that I am manifesting has already happened.
I need to think, feel, and act with pure confidence, without judgement of myself or others, without the inner criticism, with only pure love.
There have been times over the last few days that I have fallen back into old ways of thinking, feeling, and acting, without grabbing hold of these emotions and correcting them in the moment.
I am confident. I am love. I am peace. I am happiness. I am joy. I am success. I am abundance. I give only love and understanding. The world is my mirror. I understand that everything I give out, I receive, and I know that the old emotions that have soiled my past, though still trying to hang on, are leaving me.
Getting too comfortable and falling asleep during or just after my meditation has become somewhat of a habit, rather than seeing the whole sequence through and rising within my new state. This I interpret as my old thoughts and emotions desperately trying anything to hold on and keep control, though I know they are on their way out.
The future is now; I am everything that I am manifesting already. I believe that without question. It’s time to go show the universe just how committed I am to being the me we both know that I am. The tables have turned, the scales have tipped, and the avalanche has started to tumble. I am excited by what the next forty-four days will bring!
~ Day 47 ~
Now that is the sort of meditation I am talking about!!
The awareness of once again being completely within my meditation while absolutely in control of my mind and emotions, is utterly invigorating. Committed to following the guidance, confident in the process, surrendering to it entirely, while utilising a simple change in my body language to a more powered position as the guided meditation leads me, so that my mind and body are entangled in the changes occuring.
It has become more apparent that the changes start in my, the body then learns its role and is then able to be used by me in those moments of clarity, to take back control of my thoughts.
This morning I took time to remove the feelings of tiredness, to feed my body and to shower before I sat to meditate. I felt prepared and ready to 'get to work', and it made all the difference.
Feelings of breakthroughs, of greater confidence, of knowing that the future I am creating is now, and that all I have to do is take this new me that has emerged from today's meditation and work with her to continue to follow the path.
There is a feeling of urgency as my time here in France draws to an end, like I must squeeze as much as possible out of these last eight days, that I must accomplish more in these eight days than I have in all of the previous eight weeks. Concentrating on the things I know I can do will have the greatest impact and will project me forward as I return home and before heading out immediately L.A. for what I know is going to be the most amazing experience. The “Evolving Out Loud” evening I will be attending, with meeting Rob my book buddy, moving my business forward and all of the other adventures I know are coming my way.
This begins now and excitedly I know I have crossed over the hiatus I was in and I am eager once again, while also back in a that beautiful place of peace.
I am so grateful to be back here again and once again properly moving forward in my gite in France, with the wood burner going and my pup by my side. Me in my life. Life isn’t perfect; it’s life, in all of its gloriousness.
Big Smiles, big excitement, big peace.
~ Day 48 ~
It is as if by tipping over that hump, in the middle of this journey, the magic has begun to happen.
I woke late this morning and the pressures of the day meant that I did not get to meditate until quite late tonight, and yet it has been the most powerful meditation yet. Fully interactive, like being back in one of the ceremonies in Peru yet without the imagery. Completely giving of myself to the process, with full intent and complete belief is making all the difference.
Perhaps it helped that today I wrote out the Breaking the Habbit processes again and I have reminded myself to begin each session by reading these through. The old emotions and the new ones were clear in my head, so even when, during the meditation, there wasn’t time to go over everything, it is still there, in my subconscious, and I know what I am working towards.
Incorporating the body language is also something I shall definitely continue with, as this works in tandem with the mind/body/mind cycle that I am working with within the mediation, reaffirming the positive, future-now emotions.
There was a moment in today's meditation when I held my hands together behind my head and it was in that moment I had the realisation that I am becoming my own best friend. That the state I have been working towards; of fully loving myself, is coming. That it is me who must come first, to enable me to give my all to everyone else.
This was so powerful tonight. I had so many strengthened emotions and although I cannot now go out and conquer the world, I am going to go to bed and continue with the images of my future-now. I will dream about the potentials and know for certain that I can be, and am already everything that I want to be
Wow. Just wow.
Here’s to loving myself more now than I have ever before in my life.
A friend described it as self-soothing, when I chatted over this with them yesterday, which seems a great description for understanding that it is no one else's job to make me feel secure or loved. That is a job for me. It made me giggle but in a sense yes, it is self-soothing. It is standing completely and utterly on my own two feet: emotionally, physically, mentally and financially. That is why I came here, to continue the process to be the person I need to be, to give myself all of these things.
As the time draws near for me to leave here, I know that I am well on the path to all of this.
I also know that I cannot force the universe. I have to do my bit. To force anything will result in heartache and to not do my share of the work will mean that I am not deserving of all of the things I desire. I will continue to listen to my true inner self, follow my instincts, and be safe and secure in the knowledge that the coming weeks, months, and years are going to be the best ever.
~ Day 49 ~
I can feel the shift, as if it is naturally a part of me now, that every meditation session I have is filled with complete and utter understanding that the things I am manifesting are so completely a part of my future that there is simply no doubt in my mind these things will happen, in the next few days, weeks, months, and years.
The old me is in the past. Though it still tries to enter my current state, I am ever aware of it and can quickly diminish any hold it may have over me.
I had it bluntly announced to me recently that I cannot go through life expecting bad things to happen. It came a shock, it wasn’t a state I had every realised of myself, but as the words left their mouth and the defensiveness left me, I recalled situations that I have done this. I am now learning to take everything as a positive turn in my life because looking back, even those things that hurt so badly, in the moment, have a positive outcome. They have served to help me become the person I am today, made me stronger, helped me realise what I want and don’t want. They have clarified my mind, cleared the way, and ultimately put me on this amazing path I now tread.
So when bad or sad things happen, which is all part of life, I will see them through different eyes than before. With love and understanding, realising there is a higher purpose and I will be stronger and happier because of them.
While writing this I began to feel a sense of concern rising in me but I have grasped the state quickly and immediately 'changed' the emotion to excitement, knowing that was the old 'what if’ pattern trying to take hold.
I am pure love, I see pure love in everyone and everything. All situations have a higher purpose. Knowing and understanding this ensures I can help so many people, which I know is my path, the path I am already on. Not one I am yet to get to, but the one I have reached and am already walking.
This is it. This is my time, my time to shine, my time to hold my head up high, my time to be and receive all of the love, health, and success that I can handle.
I am ready for it.
~ Day 50 ~
Ohhh, this just gets better and better! Again today I meditated in the evening and again the difference was profound. Such similarities to my ceremonies in Peru, knowing I was in complete control of my actions, yet letting myself be completely open and free through each of the sections of the guided verse.
Verbalising, moving my limbs, breathing differently in different sections. Consciously using the empowering body language at the appropriate times to build emphasis on the feelings of love, confidence, self-respect, and security I am manifesting, all assisted in this evenings session being incredibly powerful.
Today was the first day that I had a real feeling that I was looking back at past experiences through my minds eyes. My future, yet as memories of it all already having occurred. Wow, just wow. What a difference to the overall feeling.
Today there were some tears of greater emotion. Positive emotions. Overwhelm, joy and peace. Pure confidence and belief, both in me and this process.
Following my instinct and being led on the path as it opens out in front of me, today I was able to find a house in the local village which I had seen for rent online. When I got back to the gite I phoned and booked an appointment to view it on Friday (today is Wednesday). I managed this In French! The old me would not have done any of this!
I see and feel changes in me every day. This evening I am more excited than ever about my future, about the amazing life that I am leading right now, and knowing that I am on my path.
I have asked that the universe show me a sign so that I can use it to be completely inspired and then go forwards to inspire others because I know this is why I am here; To help others to be the very best they can be and to realise their own dreams. It already feels like a blessing to me.
~ Day 51 ~
What another amazing, emotionally tied meditation, again in the evening, again with a consciousness that is deep within the meditation while my body and vocal movement is enhancing the experience.
Every single day I am getting stronger. I feel that I have made the shift from mainly old personality working on increasing the new, to mainly new personality, working on removing the old completely, and it is an amazing sensation to know this.
Today has been wonderful, getting some work from the old business out of the way, experiencing the vets with Charlie and getting through it, again in French, and then a lovely afternoon with one of the ladies I have met here through the natural horsemanship association I am a member of. Sitting in the sunshine, chatting about everything and nothing was a perfect way to spend the afternoon.
I am still super excited about seeing the house in the village tomorrow while also happy in the knowledge that if it isn’t for me, it will pass me by. I won’t push it and if I like it I will give it proper consideration, while ultimately listening to myself.
There was also a job opportunity I happened upon, here in France and though there are some areas I don’t quite match to, I will apply, putting another tick in my ‘possibly move to France’ box. am happier still to be making these considerations for me, and me alone.
Gosh I’m excited. I’m not sure that this feeling is great just before I go to bed, as I know my mind will be spinning, but meditating this time in the evening certainly seems to be working fabulously for me right now.
If I decide to meditate tomorrow morning, I will begin with the same intentions and ensure I incorporate the body language too. I have thought about how that might work on the plane! I may knock someone's head off with some of the arm movements I do! I will be in the air, roughly halfway through my plane journey, this time next week. That is another Wow! I have just 3 days left here. I will be driving back to the UK all day Monday, seeing my beautifully amazing friends on Tuesday, my wonderful Mum on Wednesday, and then Boom! Off I go on the next adventure.
~ Day 52 ~
A Facebook friend, Sarah, was reaching out to all of her friends last night to help her finance a new van. I knew though I had something even more valuable I could offer her, the faith that she will be able to the life that she dreams of, of looking after animals in a sanctuary, affording everything the animals need.
That was yesterday's sign from the universe, of that I am sure. Not mind-blowing or a surprise, but out of nowhere and unexpected, like the job opportunity in France the day before, for which today I have completed the application. I see it not only as immediate income but also as a potential for meeting new people, improving my French, and taking my path forward, away from the old business!
This evening’s meditation was less intense but the body language ensured it stayed on track and I feel refreshed, peaceful, and fabulous after the session. I am not sure if it is more practical to complete it in the morning and get it 'out of the way' or to ensure that it is my last action of the day. When I am in LA I think the morning will be more appropriate, so once I have engraved this body language interpretation into the meditation I can start my day with these enhanced feelings and emotions rather than going to bed with them.
My new book has started, the mind map is complete. Tomorrow I aim to start the layout process and then on to the introduction as long as I get on well with the work for the old business, as there are some finalities I need to get done and out of my head before I head home on Monday. I also hope to have an early supper with the owners of the gite.
I realised today that though I had been thinking of the man in LA, I had not missed him in an over-reactive sort of way. I am more in control of my emotions here which is perfect before I start my journey home and then on to LA next week. I do not want to be going out there like some sort of love struck teenager, setting myself up for heartbreak. I have set my intentions for being out there, to be the very best me that I can be, with the trust and understanding that what is meant to be will be. All I have to do is allow, trust the universe and enjoy each day as it comes.
This may well be my last challenge, the final test of my resolve and all of the work I am doing on myself. Only (linear) time will tell.
~ Day 53 ~
A super peaceful meditation today, perhaps because I am tired after a broken night's sleep, Charlie having been sick for 4 hours in the middle of the night. Or perhaps having had good food and wine with Ken and Bernadette, and Michelle and Chris, here at the gite for my second to last night in France.
It is wonderful to come out of the meditation in this state of peace. I used the body language but remained slightly too much on the conscious side.
For now, it is time for me to go to bed and continue to manifest my success in my business as well as my health, and life!
~ Day 54 ~
What a day! Clearing up, packing, and sorting everything out for leaving this amazing place that I have called home for the past two months.
What can I say. I have achieved everything I set out to do, and I am beyond grateful to have had the opportunity to take this time out for me, and me alone.
I have created my website, I have written and published a book that earned Bestseller in its category. I have started the next book. I have been brave enough to converse when needed in French and although there is so much more for me to learn about both the language and the culture, I am confident that this is a country I would like to live and feel pulled to return to and settle for a while at some point in my future. Be that in 6-8 weeks, 6-8 months, or 6-8 years!
I am excited to be going back to the UK, and though it no longer feels like home, my family are there and so a part of me will always be.
I am looking forward to seeing my gorgeous horses. If it is a nice day on Tuesday I may ride Reuben, if he feels like he would like to. Just a short hack along the disused railway line to gain some connection with him before I head off again.
I don’t necessarily see me coming back to the UK at the end of April. I have commitments with the animals and I can’t imagine how much I am going to miss Charlie, but the journey back on that date doesn’t sit in my consciousness like so much else of what I have done to date.
The feelers are out for a rental property here in 'The Lot', and the guys here at Boussagou have said they would be very happy to come to an arrangement regarding keeping the horses here if need be.
My meditation this evening was much more involved than yesterday, though not as fully emotional as others. I feel re-connected and ready to take this next step forward, the next turn on my own personal in built Sat Nav (Ohhhh! Another Book!! I shall write the title up once I have finished writing here).
I will be totally emotional to leave here but I am beyond excited to find out what the next 4 weeks, and beyond, will bring! It has been a fantastic adventure. I have learned I am just fine on my own, that ultimately and most importantly, I have learnt to truly start loving the amazing individual that I am.
Time to spread this love. To get on with my business. To create abundance and give myself the purpose and reason to be as proud as I am of myself.
Ohhhh, and my tattoo! I knew in Peru I wanted to get one and while I have been here I have designed it; a simple linear tattoo of a heartbeat and a heart with a flame above it to represent that I am love and light. I am thinking I will get this done on Monday.
Here’s to the next chapter!
~ Day 55 ~
‘Home’, meditating in my mum’s front room, the morning after arriving back in the country, following a very long drive back.
This is the first time I've meditated away from the perceived security, the peace and tranquillity that was my gite in France. I am very pleased with myself for not putting it off, as my thoughts had considered. I got it done and I am proud of myself for that, as well as pleased with the feelings that came through during the mediation.
I am excited, inspired, and looking forward to the growth of this next step in my adventure. I will be in the air in less than 48hrs! First things first though, today I get a whole day with my amazing friend, the baby, and the ponies.
It doesn't feel like home here in the UK at the moment. It will be interesting where the next turning takes me.
~ Day 56 ~
Today is the day I fly to California. To meet with the man I have been conversing with for the last three months, to start writing my second book, to go to the Evolving Out Loud conference, to continue to break the habit of being my past self, to continue my never-ending self-improvement, to finally step away from my ex and the old business and to begin the rest of my life.
There are many emotions, thoughts, and feelings, some borne of my old state, some of my new. I don't think that my old state was bad, only that there is much I can, am, and have improved upon. I have seen and felt changes in me that are showing I am moving in the right direction, and I'm excited about this next adventure.
I am excited about today, tomorrow, the weekend, next week, next month, next year and what all of it will bring, and I know that I am loved, and I am love.
What a beautiful and amazing peace to be in.
I am so grateful to the universe for bringing me this far, and I am proud of me for not just settling. For grasping at life and shaking it hard.
Will I find true, relationship love in LA? The one my soul has been searching for? I guess time will tell but I am not going ot get hung up on it. I am especially looking forward to the friends I am going make on this next adventure.
Thoughts of days 20 to 56
The first two months were nothing less than perfect, everything I could have hoped for and so much more besides.
I learned so much about myself: how resilient I am, how strong, focused and intelligent I can be, that I was, am and will always be perfect, that it wasn’t about changing myself but about finding the person I had always been.
The little girl who got lost somewhere along the way was ready to emerge, stronger and shining more brightly than ever. I am ready to face the world and all it might have to throw at me. Ready to lay down the armour and open back up to the infinite possibilities this amazing world has to offer.