Learning to let go ~ Days 7 to 19 ~

Learning to let go

 

The time has now come

You need to be clear

That what’s gone before

Shall not disappear

 

It won’t fade to nothing

Or vanish one day

Your past is your past

But don’t sit with dismay

 

Those heartaches, those griefs

Were given to you

As your lessons of lifetime

For you to be true

 

With thanks and good grace

With your hand on your heart

Be grateful for all

You’ve learned from the start

 

With wisdom abound

And with songs still to sing

Let go of the woes

Look what the future will bring

 

~ Days 7 to 19 ~

As the fog started to lift, as those boxes started to get stacked, neatly labelled in the storage unit in my head, the feeling of being overwhelmed started to leave, too. I knew it wasn’t all over but I could feel a shift, a change inside, a knowing that this was it; this was what my soul had been waiting for, for me to stop and truly listen to my heart’s desires.

The next stage was to start to let go. To leave behind all of the stories that I had allowed to become my truths. The ones that I believed made me, me. The woes, the heartaches, the attachments, the disappointments, the childhood memories, the belief systems that ultimately boiled down to myth and fantasy. I had to start letting go of it all.

It wasn’t going to take just a few days, but it did have to start somewhere and there was no better time and place than this day: Day 7, when I realised what I had been doing couldn’t continue, both in the meditation practice and in my life!

The next two weeks saw me making some decisions that literally changed the course of my life. Though I didn’t know it at the time, of course, looking back now allows me see the divine intervention and the beauty of the process that I went through in making those decisions. To truly understand what is meant by 'what’s meant for you won’t pass you by' and also that 'everything happens for a reason'.

*****

~ Day 7 ~

I changed tack today and took away all expectations of myself and the meditation.  Giving myself a full hour by setting my alarm, I allowed time to take care of itself, enabled everything and anything to come into my head, gave it recognition and then allowed the thoughts to keep going on their journey through me.

The realisation that everything that happened last week was just noise hit me this morning. It was like my ‘inner child’, my ego, or my conscious mind had been screaming for my attention and when I finally allowed it, it literally took over.  Now I  feel that my  journey has truly begun.

I sat quietly on the sofa, upright and in a position I couldn’t fall asleep in, but could comfortable maintain for the hour I intended. With a blanket wrapped around me and Charlie, my dog at my side, I closed my eyes and moved into stillness, concentrating my focus under my eyelids, at the point between my eyes, simply relaxing and allowing.

Allowing the thoughts to come and go was easier in consideration that it was in practice. Initially, it was like the thoughts came at me from all directions, from all areas of my life, like sucking tentacles reaching for my attention with greater and greater determination.  Sometimes I had to actually shake my head to have them move on while choosing to project love their way.

The consideration that I am playing with the child inside of me, the little hurt me who needs my attention but also needs to learn and grow, is a fabulous analogy for this process.  It helps me to believe and accept that I will come to love every part of me, even though as I write I am not sure which parts I don’t love. Perhaps it is the little girl herself.

I am excited about where this is going to take me over the next days, weeks and months, and absolutely certain that I will benefit from the experience.

 

~ Day 8 ~

A mind full of stuff, but the sitting and allowing felt so freeing. The feeling of peace that came over me as the minutes ticked by

As I have began this journey in a place where I have all the time in the world, I know I am privileged to not have the worry of time many people may put upon themselves. Nearing the end of the hour though, I still found myself wondering if it was nearly over. I had to give those thoughts attention, realise they were just thoughts, and allow them to pass. This meant when the timer went off I wasn’t waiting for it, in that moment.

I find how much is going on in my head incredible. Even though I am in a place where stress does not exist, the whirlwind inside my head is outstanding: from things I could be doing later, creative thoughts, ideas, manifestations, worries, all whirling around like a washing machine. Absolutely fascinating to sit back and watch like I was at the theatre.  A member of the audience and not the lead role.

My thoughts are just that—thoughts. It is time to let them go and live only in the moment. For what else is there? ‘The past is behind me, the future is not promised, and the present is a gift I should most definitely not take for granted.

I know that when I get to a place where the storm in my head drops to a gentle breeze, I will have found a place so peaceful and true, and I am grateful already for when that happens.

Forget what others think of me; it is not important. This is me. I am who I am. A beautiful, unique individual here on earth to bring joy, peace, and happiness to others. To help others find their light. This is my role, and I embrace it with an open heart and an open mind.

I am not here to hide behind my childhood concerns of what others might think. That will not benefit the world. If I hide my own light, I will never be able to ignite that of others. Only by shining brightly can I do that, so as I sit here and type in a way that feels like I have finally found my path. I know that I am starting to brighten, that the shades are coming off and my true self is coming forward. I am both excited and emotional at the divinity.

 

~ Day 9 ~

As I sat there today the peace seemed to come over me more quickly than it has the last couple of days. I settled into a rhythm of focus through the space between my eyes, listening to my breathing and the noises around me, and getting lost in my thoughts.

Something I became aware of today is a happiness that drifted over me, bringing a smile to me face for no apparent reason. Something I haven’t been aware of before and that I don't recall ever experiencing before.  How wonderful!

Allowing the thoughts to come, sending them love, and then allowing them to continue, is empowering. The thoughts that are coming in a creative manner are thoughts I am asking to come back at a more appropriate time, when I can transcribe the ideas rather than break the meditation. This needs trust on my part, and I found that it came easily.

Something that did come to me was the interesting realisation that while I am here in this little gite in South West France, with only my puppy to keep me company, I haven’t seen a single other person for the past two days. Yet, I feel less lonely than I have in so long, I can’t remember. It is like the habit of constantly needing people around me is passing; one of the exact reasons I chose to come here. It is like a form of isolation, though I am conversing daily with friends and family, there isn’t that physical interaction I thought I would desperately miss. I am enjoying the time I have here to myself, with no demands set upon me other than the ones I set upon myself.

Reading: this again is a form of interaction, choosing to take someone else’s ideas, thoughts, and comments about a subject on-board. What I am able to do now that I never used to, is look at the information objectively. Question it and make my own decisions about the subject. Does that come with age and life experience? It’s not something I would have previously done. The younger me would have taken the information as gospel because it was in printed form. To be fair, I would take anybody’s word for anything because previously I didn’t believe I had a voice worthy of questioning anything.

What is loneliness anyway but the child inside me vying for attention? As with all of my fears, anxieties, and concerns I must come to love, communicate, and respect my inner child. Give her the attention she needs and then show her everything is ok, all of her feelings are allowed and all of her thoughts listened to, but that together we can make a difference.

Is it not my prerogative to believe one thing and then change my mind as I learn and grow? I think so, and therefore surely it is the right of my inner child to do the same? For me to gently guide her to new understanding while taking her immediate concerns seriously and without scorn?

As I write this today, though of course I may come to change my mind in the future, I feel deeply that this is what I have been searching for as the answer to loving myself. That I must totally commit to loving, understanding, and cherishing my inner child and all of her concerns, as if she were a real child. Parenting her in a way that is generous of time, non-judgemental, and completely understanding. Seeing events from both sides and guiding her through those that are difficult and worrisome, with the adult understanding that everything works out alright, in the end.

When I can master not arguing with myself, not falling into the depths of her woes, and not seeking attention at every given opportunity, then, just maybe then, I will have learned to love myself completely.

~ Day 10 ~

Today I increased my meditation time from an hour to an hour and a half. The initial thoughts of, 'Can I really do this?' quickly faded and though they crept back a couple of times, they didn’t take over.

I’m compelled to write about healing from the inside out, this is what it is beginning to feel like. There is something so incredibly peaceful, and yet alive about this meditation.

There were two  physical moments in today's meditation that I don’t recall ever having before. They were like the unconscious shivers that I get, the ones I often associate to 'someone walking over my grave', but they were different somehow. They occurred up through my body, from the base of my back, along both sides, and at very different stages of the meditation.  Perhaps this what brought my attention to feeling line I am being healed from the inside.

There were a lot of thoughts that came and went throughout the hour and a half. Thoughts of the current, the past, and the present. They took over at times, and I lost myself for a while, though eventually found I was able to bring myself back to the moment, concentrating again on my breathing and my physical body before delving back down into pure relaxation.

I know, without knowing why, that this is helping me. This whole experience, of being here on my own in France, the writing, the meditation: it is cathartic. Rarely have I have found myself worrying about what will happen, come the end of April, when I return to the UK, because right now it doesn’t matter. Perhaps I’m being delusional, just burying my head in the sand, or maybe, just maybe, this is what it was always supposed to be about.

*****

I found myself wondering how I will be able to meditate for this amount of time when I take myself away from this utopia that I am currently living in and throw myself into the depths of the city—not just any city, but the metropolis that is Los Angeles.

Yesterday I took a third sign that I should venture to LA, when an event ran by an inspirational peer, Kyle Cease, at the beginning of April, was brought to my attention.  I took the sign and ran with it, booking the event and plane tickets with nearly no consideration.  I knew how perfect the decision was when the complete sense of peace veiled over me.

When the time comes and I am in the totally different environment that is LA, my commitment to myself will be greater than ever before, and though the excitement of the trip will be upon me, there is still purpose in all that I am doing and I am committed to me.

*****

I had a vision today of two beautiful children running towards me, which made me beam - they were mine. A young boy of about seven and a beautiful little girl of about four, all brown curly hair and smiles. Even writing this now is emotive, and I know for a moment I got a glimpse of a future that could be. They were walking with their daddy, whose legs I only received in the vision, but my heart was full of pure love for this man.

What an amazing thing to be able to enter that part of my subconscious simply through being still and allowing whatever needs to come to me, to come. The whole process reminds me somewhat of my time in Peru, healing with the plant medicine, sitting and waiting for something to happen once the ritual had started. Only now, there are no plants and no waiting.

I watched something recently about meditation and allowing the thoughts to just come through you; that the more you meditate, the less thoughts shoot at you, and you are left with just a few thoughts each day that need to be released. What wasn’t touched upon though, was the receiving of such beautiful mental gifts, like those of today.

This enlightenment brings a sense of calm and beauty to a practice I have at points over the last couple of weeks, been concerned would bring an amount of pain to have to be dealt with.

I am excited by where I will be emotionally and physically by the end of these 90 days, but I also know that this will be just the beginning. Having the event that I have booked to attend on April 2 and 3 is perfect for continuing this journey into myself, and understanding that I don’t have to be concealed away in the depths of France to enhance my life and learn to love myself.

For right now, it is perfect.


~ Day 11 ~

I settled to meditate for an hour and a half today, as I had planned, and in the early moments it was pretty much the same as it has been to date.

Today, after an hour, I felt an urge to lay down, so after checking in with myself that I wasn’t wanting to sleep, I decided ‘why not’

I didn’t sleep; I went deeper into my subconscious and watched the stories unravel before my closed eyes.  

It was hard. In all, I was ‘under’ for two hours and twenty minutes, and I’ve been left with big concerns about what I am doing here, and how this will all affect me over time.

I’m worried this is it, that I might allow this to take over and eventually not ever want to go out in the world again.  How do I know the difference between being happy in my own company, not needing anybody else, and actually turning into a hermit!?

Part of me feels like I am healing myself, but  then I question from what, other than the emotional turmoil I choose to put myself through.

One realisation I have is how much time I spend feeding from the energy of others.  It’s no wonder that at times I don’t know who I am. Certainly, not in this moment.

Also, who's to say what I’m doing here is even healthy? It’s not real life, well, in the very least it’s not sustainable. Or is it that all of these words are coming from a place of fear of the unknown, so early in this journey that I am.

Coming in to me and facing myself is scary; today was emotional. I had my sensitivity, my desire to please, and how I take everything to heart thrown in my face, and that was painful, too. How do I learn to unlearn what has been me for nearly 40 years?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions right now but I hope that over time,  and with the work that I am doing, I will find the answers.

I have gone from someone who literally couldn’t sit still, a person who, when I had time to myself, didn’t want to be with myself, to now not wanting to be with anyone or go anywhere, while still craving attention. Not in an extroverted 'here I am' sort of way but in an 'addicted to that feeling of someone wanting me' sort of way.  I believe this addiction is the whole reason I have jumped from one  bad relationship to another and stayed where it wasn’t right, for so long.

Today, thankfully I trust that it is just today, this is hard. This is not how I want to feel, but I also understand that I am the only person who can change those feelings inside of me.

We are all important, unique, wonderful individuals and until I really believe that of myself, I know I will continue to seek approval from outside of me while being utterly consumed by the fear of what others might think of me.

So today I continue on my journey of healing that bit of me inside, the bit that cares way too much of what others might think, turning it around: not to become someone uncaring or rude, but someone who embraces getting it wrong, who understands life is about learning and growing. Appreciating that everyone has  a right to their opinion.

To be someone full only of love, I believe I must first learn to love everyone’s opinion, whether they suit me or not; learn to put me first yet relinquish all selfishness.

I understand that there is a lot to work on and I am grateful for this meditation time. The writing of these books and the learning I am having every day is creating a stronger, happier, more in tune me who is able to love and be loved on every level.

 

~ Day 12 ~

Truly learning to let go

For two hours I sat and lay in my own space, and for the whole of those two hours my brain churned. Not in an anxious or worried sort of way, just unable to switch off and be in the moment.

Constantly thinking about what I’m doing here, this afternoon, next week, next month, about the business I run or actually that I’m not running at the moment, about the writing, about my friends and family.

It was lighter than yesterday but still not with that same sense of peace I had a few days ago. I can only assume this is my ‘inner child’ trying I work out what I’m actually doing and  I hope given time the peace will return.

Until this becomes normality for me, I guess this is how it will be, like most other experiences in my life, a roller coaster of thoughts and emotions. I am sure as the days and weeks go by, the intensity of the thought processes will fade and I will learn to be able to sit and just be.

Learning to let those thoughts come and go through me and realising they are not me, they are my thoughts, will be a turning point. Having thought I was getting there, today shows me that I have a lot yet to learn and that the process will be a long one.

I am so grateful to have found this space, where I can take the time to learn what I need to, to get the best out of this process.

Being consumed by the future is not a place I want to live in, this is much more about living in the moment but concerns that keep coming up stem from the realisation that at some point, in the not too distant future, I will have to go back to earning a living for myself.

When my thoughts stray away from trusting the universe and manifesting the things that I want in my life, my anxiety rises. I simply cannot predict the future but what I can do is my best to ensure each step that I take in the present moment is fitting with my inner beliefs and desire.

Through this practice I believe my meditation muscle will grow, and I will build the confidence in myself that I need to show the world exactly the person I am inside, while learning to understand that other people’s impressions of me, are none of my business.

What an amazing, beautiful, wonderful experience this is.

 

~ Day 13 ~

Love, and who do we think we are, anyway?

Today is Valentine's Day and although I am technically very single, I am certainly feeling the love from around the globe. Taking away the commercialism that comes with any national celebrations, the basic beaut it brings out in people is something that I mustn’t overlooked.

I feel the same at Christmas, wishing that the happiness and joy could be spread throughout the year and not be present only for just a few days of the year.

My meditation today brought me to wondering about ‘who do I think I am’? I know logically that I can be anybody I choose to be; learning how is the trick, and understanding that positive thinking alone will not change the route of my destiny.

The question to myself is: Why don't you like who you are, anyway? Who is to say you are not perfect? Why would you want to change the uniqueness that is you?

I know I have an ingrained thought process that has me believing I know what other people are thinking, at all times—whether that be the person driving behind me, the lady at the supermarket checkout, my clients and my partner, to mention but a few.

Interestingly, more often than not, what I believe other people are thinking, is negative. Now I know logically that, for one, I actually have no idea what other people are thinking; and who am I to even think that I do anyway, and secondly, why would they be negative thoughts anyway! 

There is definitely a whole heap of psychological unravelling to be done there!

What I do know is that this is a pattern so deeply ingrained over so many years that it’s going to take a little more than some positive affirmations to turn around. I’m working on it, of course I am. I’m here writing this, after all.

It must start in the mind but from there I must begin to not only think but act as if I am the person I know I was meant to be all along. I must 'Walk the walk' and 'Talk the talk.' From there, I’m certain everything is possible.

 

~ Day 14 ~

What’s it all about?

I sat down initially in mind to meditate for an hour this morning, as I had fallen asleep the last couple of times. But when it came to it I set the alarm for two hours, settled on the floor instead of the sofa, and though there were times I certainly dozed off, most of the time I was in a meditative state and working through the whirlwind of thoughts coming through my head.

As I sat down to write this with trepidation today, not really knowing what I wanted to write about. I find myself wanting to write something I feel people will want to read, when I know that actually, I just need to write about my journey, in its true and honest totality.

I’m aware that I am constantly looking forward into the future, trying to work things out, making plans and having all of my little ducks lined up when, there is only so much planning that can be done.  I can only truest work on the here and now, while being true to myself. Where then does the line between having goals and dreams start, and living in the moment end? To live in the moment with any sense of being alive, I must surely have dreams and aspirations to want to follow?

Perhaps it is to live in the moment as if I were already at the point in my future that I desire so much. If I am thinking of a far-off future rather than one that exists in this moment, I will never get there, because it will only ever be the future.

*****

I am torn between 'just being' during my meditation and having a purpose to it. Are those my thoughts taking over, my ego wanting a purpose, or is it me focussing on something to bring my mind back, whenever it goes whirling?

I don’t mean to have a purpose in that I allow nothing else to flow through me, and I would not want to be controlling my thoughts either, as I know this will mean rebellion and consistent whirling, I wonder though, if by setting an intention, I will come out the other side with revelation, or maybe I won’t! Trusting in the process and letting go of this controlling part of me I feel will be the biggest challenge over the coming days, weeks, and months.

It is difficult to assess if there have been any changes in me, in the time I have been meditating, because my whole environment is different. I am in such a peaceful place literally, that emotionally I cannot help but feel more enlightened and at peace within.

In a sense I feel I am in a meditative state much of the time I am awake. Not while I am writing or working, but when I am reading, driving, walking.  Not a true meditative state where everything switches off and I am left only with my inner self, but certainly a degree of tranquillity that

I have not felt for a very long time, if ever.

As I sit here writing this, what I do know is that I do not want to go back to the life I have just left behind. The people, yes, absolutely, but the physical part of my past is over, and the realisation of that has brought raw emotion to the surface, borne of a real sense of relief.

I can be whoever I want to be. Now to work on who that person is.

 

~ Day 15 ~

My belief system is changing, it’s a revelation!

What if you had spent your whole life, or certainly a vast majority of your adult life, listening to your 'gut', basing your decisions on how the thought made you feel and in one meditation sitting you realise that the feelings you are having are based on your past thoughts and actions and have nothing to do with the ‘real’ you?

This is what just happened to me. I can be whoever I want to be. I am in control of how I react to everything, and how I communicate with everything and everyone around me. I can choose how I want to think, feel, and act in the moment, based on the truth in front of me, and not on my past relationships, previous encounters, the way I was brought up, or the events that have occurred throughout my lives.

Take a relationship as an example. I can choose to choose my partner every day. As soon as I wake up every morning, I can decide that the man I am with is the one I want to be in my life, creating a mental list of the reasons why, and then go on with my day. I can only imagine the impact that will have on my future relationships.

I can also choose to not let anything anyone says or does affect my state. It’s my choice!

It’s not about basing everything on a gut feeling; about a person I’ve only just met for instance, which is based on a collective of memories of different people that in some way match the profile of the person in front of me. It’s about choose to get to know this person, understand their story and decide to decide that everyone is doing the best they can with what they have, in this moment.

Because right now is all I have!

If I am to move forward in the most enlightened state that I can achieve, I have to let go of the past, let go of old belief systems and memories of emotions that do not serve me.

Yes, I sit here today as an amalgamation of everything that has gone before me, but it is my choice what I take forward from today. Every day. Every day is a new beginning, a chance to set things straight, to set a new course and create new dreams and goals based on the person I know I was  always meant to be, before I allowed the trials and tribulations of life to take over and squash parts of me.

We are all amazing individuals with capabilities far greater than some of us can even imagine. It’s time to start imagining, and start actioning. Taking control of my life means taking control of my body and mind, setting down new beliefs and core values, new patterns and new ways of being around others, that create only positive influences for myself and everyone around me.

I need to take note of when I react in a way that isn’t appropriate, understand what it was that created the feeling, analyse it, I mean really analyse it, understand where it came from, and then make the decision that next time I won’t react that same way.

Awareness is the first step to any change. It won’t happen overnight but with a conscious decision to change, by understanding the things that push my buttons and why, I will be settled in a place where I can start to override lifelong, limiting beliefs and patterns.

How exciting is that!

My choice, my choice, my choice

I can be whoever I want to be, so, who do I want to be?

Hi, my name is Jacqui Greene. I am a spiritual, adventure-seeking, love-giving soul, filled only with love and light for everyone and everything around me.

This does not make me weak; conversely, it makes me stronger than I have ever been.

I see the beauty in everyone and everything around me, and I understand that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.

I no longer worry what others might think because this is my game and my game alone, and I know that the state I live in is one of pure loving and giving. I also understand this is why I have been blessed with following my path, rewarded with the gifts that I have been given, to live my life the way I have planned out. Able to afford to give my family the life they all deserve while knowing I enrich the lives of everyone I come into contact with, whether that be with just a smile, a kind word or gesture, a specific action or set of actions based around the work that I do in helping people find the light that shines within us all.

I have the most wonderful life, and I am humbled to be able to help others  to create their own successes.

What an amazing, beautiful thing it is to be me.

 

~ Day 16 ~

Memories of when I was eleven came to me today.  There is something about that time in my life that I often go back to. It’s not a specific place and time; though I know where we were living and the school I attended, it’s more a feeling, an essence of peace and happiness. Whenever I go back there, I see myself in the playground at the middle school I attended for just a few months. I see a happy, content, self-confident, somewhat independent little girl, who is loving and gives love unconditionally. I know this is the person I am inside, before 'stuff' happened and the memories began forming that now affect me on a day-to-day basis.

The sense of peace has started to return. I am being conscious before meditating, of areas that I would like to delve into, such as my limiting beliefs, what they are, and how they make me feel.  Following this with the considerations, feelings, and actions I see in my present self.

I know I have been the person before that I want to be again, and getting back to that state seems easier now more than ever.

I have confidence, self-confidence, happiness, unbridled love, and compassion within me. All I need do is lift the veil of judgement, worry, and self-consciousness that has formed over the years.

I realised today that the statement 'The world is my mirror' perfectly represents my life. That the issues and challenges that have previously hindered my life have come from exactly this notion. What I see, fear, and receive from others comes from me, from my own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Being completely aware when I am judging someone or something, noticing when I see anything but beauty in a person and observing when I am picking fault in an action, will, I believe see me start to form the new habits to bring back to the person I have always been.

What a sensitive soul I must have been to have allowed the experiences during my lifetime so far to affect me so much that I have enabled myself to create a pseudo self that I don't even particularly like!

Oh wow! This is what part of one of my experiences in Peru was about!  

I traveled to Peru in November 2015 to take part in an Ayahuasca ceremonies retreat.  It was a life changing experience, life affirming, the most amazing and also  the scariest thing I had ever done.

The realisation above is associated to the events that occured during my third and last participative ceremony, during which I experienced the vision of a 'creature', in what I can only describe as an enveloped position, over me. I wasn’t scared; it was as if I was experiencing the event from a third party position, and when the shaman finished working with me to remove said creature, I simply recall settling down to sleep.

What was absolutely incredible about the whole event was that one of the other participants had seen the 'creature' in my place. They detailed to me the next morning how they had looked over and seen this 'thing', how they had been frightened that I was not there and then relieved when our shaman had come 'to my rescue' and relieved greater still when later they had glanced back my way to see me lying peacefully where I ought to have been earlier.

We were told it could take many weeks or months for our understandings and realisations about our experiences with Ayahuasca to come to light and the recount of that particular night by my fellow participant had given me complete belief that all of my experiences on that amazing trip had been 'real' and had a purpose or meaning. I didn’t know what the meanings or purpose were, until right this moment, when the understanding hit me like a bolt of lighting while I was writing.

What my fellow participant and I were seeing was me. It was the part of me that I have created and showing to the world for the past few years. It makes sense that they did not recognise me, because during my trip to Peru, I was able to be 100% me, the person I know I am, my true self. They had not seen the 'other' me until that moment, and I can understand why they were scared. But it also makes sense now why I was not scared: this 'creature' was known to me; I was comfortable to be surrounded by it, enveloped in it, because I had been wearing it for years.

The reason I was able to form such close bonds with so many of the people on that trip was because they saw the true and complete, beautiful, enlightened me. This is the me I only want to show the world from this point forwards, and I will continue to do all the work required to ensure I completely remove the 'creature' that I have allowed to envelop me now, for far too long.

 

~ Day 17 ~

So if I can be whoever I want to be—who am I?

I am a successful writer, a best-selling author. I’m a successful businesswoman because I am a giver, a lover, a friend, a confidant. One of life's happy people who makes the world a better place for being here.

I help, inspire and challenge people to be the very best they can be.

I’m a truth teller, but only ever with love.

I see greatness where others may miss it, and I see beauty in everything.

My goal in life is to be the very best me that I can be and to help others to be the same, by helping people to realise they are uniquely beautiful and can be whoever they want to be.

I am confident, self-confident, sexy, loving, caring. I give my all to everything I set my mind to, and I live in the moment.

We all have a story; that’s our past. My ultimate goal is to help anyone who wants it, to see their future can be anything they want it to be.

I am a giver.

I am tall, beautiful inside and out. I have empathy, and I use all of my knowledge and learnings from life to help others see theirs from a different perspective.

I am a coach and a confident leader.

I am a speaker, a presenter, a giver of information, a sponge to new information, always prepared to see alternative views on varying subjects, never held in a position of righteousness.

I am a learner, a student of life, ready to gain knowledge and understanding on all manor of subjects.

I am a charity worker, an aid giver, a good person; one of the good guys.

I am sincere, honest, reliable. I do what I say and I say what I mean.

I am excited by life. I broaden my horizons at every given opportunity, and I use the knowledge and understanding from my past as a tool to project me as a better person into the future.

Past challenges serve only to help me realise how amazing my life is and what a wonderful person I have become because I decided to decide to be.

I took action where action was needed and I reap the rewards by giving first.

Learning to get out of my own head and taking action in the present moment is how I got to be the person I am today.

The past has gone, the future is promised to nobody, now is a gift, which is why it is called the present. We only have NOW.  NOW is all there is so I am grasping now with both hands and running with it.

 

~ Day 18 ~

There is a realisation today that being whoever I want to be vs. letting go of the me of the past is not something that is going to happen in a flash. If it was that easy I guess I wouldn’t feel the need to be here in the first place.

Or Perhaps, it is as easy as I am prepared to make it?

Years of unconscious personality building and the hardwired patterns and routines that come from that will take some undoing while I restructure and input new habits and patterns.

If I didn't already know it, what I am beginning to understand is that it will take time and effort, which is fine, I have the time and am prepared to put in the effort, because the alternative is no longer an option.

I know there are areas I have to be brave, many areas, but that point of braveness will subside in a short enough space of time, if I’m willing to not be overtaken by it.

Being aware is definitely the first step, and understanding that this is about me, but that my life cannot be centred around me.  My life must be focused on others or the selfishness that comes from being preoccupied with myself will bring back the old patterns that I am working hard to erase.

I must ask myself 'What can I do for you' or 'How can I improve your day' or 'How may I serve you' to other people, but most importantly, to the universe. In many ways, realising there is so much good I can do in this world, if I only focus on that, and not my own old self-conscious and self-obsessed ways.

From this point forward I will not only be aware of when I am thinking less than productive thoughts about myself and preoccupied of what I think others are thinking of me, but I will also focus on ensuring that those thoughts are recognised, rather than being a servant to them. If in conversation I’m not putting the other person first, I will recognise this and take immediate action to rectify, putting the conversation back to them and being genuinely interested in what they have to say.

I will also seek out ways in which to help someone, whether that be in the obvious cases of donating to charity and helping those less fortunate than myself, or to the more specific ways that I can help people with my business as well as with my gift of being a beacon of love and light, helping others to find their greatness inside.

I feel somewhat like a missionary saying that but it holds so true to my soul that I simply have to find a way through that old personality of mine to be able to give the very best of me that I can.

 

~ Day 19 ~

What if our thoughts are only thoughts, the continuous swirl of words running through our heads just the little child inside, and we really could learn to put them at peace?

I spend so much of my time judging, evaluating, worrying, and considering, what if we were to just be? Letting go of the past and surrendering to the future, only giving notice and energy to this very moment.

If I could learn to see and hear my thoughts, only as thoughts and not as facts, perhaps life would find simplicity, quietness, and a beauty I’ve not known since childhood.

I was considering my relationship with my puppy today. I don’t judge him, project what I believe he is thinking, or concern myself that he doesn’t like me or wouldn’t like of me, if I did a certain thing. He just is, with all of his unconditional love, and I the same for him. Imagine if I could treat all of my human relationships in the same way.

Well, what’s stopping me?

The very act of overthinking is, in itself, self-obsessed. It is selfish.

To be in a state of divine love, to love myself unconditionally and everyone and everything as such, I must learn to let go of the conditioning that has led me to the words that fill my head. I must stop the torrent of emotions and simply learn to just be.

I must understand that when I am projecting thoughts, I am fantasising, making things up, creating a false reality that I am completely in control of. To be aware that I am doing this is, like any learned behaviour or addiction, the first step toward change.

Recognition is the first step on the road to addiction recovery. Then, bit by bit, I must learn to retrain my brain when I recognise the old thought patterns occurring, so that I can see them, thank them for appearing, and then allow them to pass on by, like clouds on a spring afternoon. The thoughts are there but I don't need to hang on to them and I most certainly don’t need to attach any sort of meaning or emotion to them.

*****

Those two weeks brought clarity to me, on so many levels. Clarity about what I was doing, meditating every day and writing about my experiences so that others might learn from them, was exactly what I needed to be doing. Clarity that it wasn’t all going to be reams and reams of thoughts, ideas, and actions spilling out of my head and all over the page. Clarity that things had to change, not for just a couple of days or weeks; things really had to change. Clarity that I was learning, growing, and ultimately understanding how to love myself, completely.

 

There were still many days ahead of me but hope prevailed that this really was going to make a difference.  I was truly starting to allow myself to settle into believing that this journey I had started was going to make the difference I had been looking for in my life.