Returning to me ~ Days 57 to 75 ~

Returning to me

 

You remember it, don’t you? That time in your past.

When the little girl you, got lost on her path.

When from happy and carefree, to lonely and sad,

you stepped into darkness, not knowing you had.

 

You know that she’s in there, you just don’t know how,

to coax her back out, to the life you have now.

To give her the blessings, you’ve learned all these years

and together go forward, without all the tears.

 

That little girl lost, was there all along.

She just needed your help, your brightness, your song.

She hadn’t gone far, right there by your side,

patiently waiting, the day has arrived.

 

Now take hands together, go conquer the world.

Spreading love, light and laughter as only you could.

To see other’s faces as you tell them it’s true.

Believe in those miracles, you too can be you.

 

******

~ Days 57 to 75 ~

And so began the next adventure, the leap into the unknown. To a place I had preconceived I would not like, a concrete jungle full of disingenuous people with an overall sense of fakery, but somewhere I felt I was compelled to visit and was looking forward to finding out why.

As it turned out, I was completely wrong, of course, and I fell in love with Los Angeles pretty much the moment I touched down at LAX. The vastness of the city drew me in; the backdrop of the mountains to the north was simply stunning, contrasted by the ocean to the south and of course, the weather was fabulous (well, most of the time!) and to top it off, almost everybody I encountered was beautiful, genuine, friendly, and open.

I learned so much on my trip, saw some of the most amazing sights, and left a piece of my heart there when the plane took off at the end of my amazing adventure. I met some truly amazing people who I am now proud to call my friends, and I learned just how far I had come at that point while understanding just how far this journey of never-ending self-improvement had yet to take me.

It is an episode in my life I will never forget and will be forever grateful for. I am so pleased that it occurred during the writing of these meditation memoirs.

The 18 days of meditation encountered here, which actually span four weeks of the adventure, began with the seminar I had chosen to be my catalyst for taking the leap. It was the most perfect way to start my time in Los Angeles. I got to meet some of those amazing people, for the first time, forging friendships that now touch my heart every day.

I began the process of physically writing down my manifestations, which gave me the true understanding of what I was striving for was to be able to give back to the world. To take me to a place where I could look back on my time here on this planet secure in the knowledge that I had made a difference and helped many people along the way.

I also chose to change my meditation practice and leave behind the guided meditation, feeling I was in a place where I was able to sit and truly allow the thoughts and feelings to come to me and run through me, the noise having left with all of the work that I had done. The fog had lifted, much of the past had been dealt with, and this allowed the 'downloads' to begin. Space had been made within in me, like a wardrobe, post spring clear out, for me to accept with vigour the suggestions that started to come to me through my meditations.


*****

~ Day 57 ~

Today was the end and the beginning, as I decided to no longer follow the guided mediation, and to allow whatever now needed to come to me, to come.  I was returning to me, pure and absolutely love.

After travelling back from France, spending a few days in the UK, travelling out to California and then a weekend seminar with Kyle Cease, this is my first proper time of writing.

I have been meditating and today felt like I was properly back in the zone and in a place of pure love, understanding, and acceptance for me and the 'stuff' that needed to come out.

This past weekend was mind-blowing on a number of levels.

Having arrived in Los Angeles on Thursday evening, I re-acquainted with the man I had met a few months earlier, settled into my apartment, took time out to get over the jet lag before heading out to get my tattoo on the Friday afternoon.  I am so pleased with it.  T is beautiful and simple and means everything it is supposed to, to me.

Then came the first day of the Evolving Out Loud event, on the Saturday. Oh my goodness, it was utterly mind-blowing. I met a number of amazing people - with that fourteen hundred people in a room, nearly all striving to better themselves or to understand their path more appropriately, I guess it can’t be anything less than amazing energizing. One person I specifically connected with was a lady called Katherine, who lives here in LA, her path is to spread joy - to help people reconnect from within. She is also a world-class nutritionist and her whole story completely resonated with me and where I am on my path of veganism and understanding what works, and what doesn’t work for me and my body - a never ending learning in itself it seems.

I had read on the Friday night that the dress code was 'casual' and to 'wear what you love’ but I decided to stick to wearing my blue dress and heels.  I had decided on thi outfit as it fit with the visualisations I had been having during my meditations, of being on stage in that dress.

On Saturday afternoon we conducted an exercise that Kyle, the organiser, calls 'Kylego', where you visualise a moment from your future as if it already happened months ago and you fill in all of the amazing things that have occurred during that time. As soon as Katherine started talking me through her visualisations, I knew we were connected.  She spoke of connecting with people, meeting and helping others from the story of her own journey. She reminisced of holding a retreat of kindness, health, meditation, nutrition, self awareness - I was hooked!

We had been told that after the first part of the exercise there would be a second part, where each of us would need to have listened to our partners intently to be able to conduct it properly. To demonstrate this, one of the event team were brought on stage before Kyle walked down off of the stage and plucked a member of the audience to participate in the demonstration.  That audience member was me!!  

It could not have been more perfect.  To say I was overwhelmed was an understatement, but once I got my voice and slowed down so the audience could understand my clipped British accent, I told them about my visualisation of being here in this exact space and time, before getting down to the exercise in hand, which too blew my mind.

The exercise consisted of me telling my partner all of the amazing things that had happened in the last month, as per our manifestation exercise, and then they were to repeat that back to me as if they had seen it all.  Adding colour and reality to the manifestation.  On top of the fact this was all happening on stage, in front of fourteen hundred people, what this did for me was completely settle in my mind what everyone has been telling me for years, and what I have actually known all of my life: that I am everything I have been visualising in my guided meditations: kind, genuine, honest, open, caring, confident, courageous, and most importantly, love and light.

Once off stage and after completing the exercise with Katherine, I had a number of people come up to me and say amazing things about my energy, my voice, and how amazing I was, this included being invited on to a radio show!

I am beyond grateful to have experienced this, and I will now do my part in keeping my side of the deal with the universe and go out there and inspire others to find their light.

I will contact Christine today about the radio slot, and I will also contact everyone else I have details for to touch base and build my network of amazingly talented, heartfelt individuals to ask them: How Can I Help You?

Sunday was equally beautiful, listening to others stories, seeing their transformations, meditating, more mind blowing exercises, more meditating, and generally understanding that I am love, I have open-ended acceptance, and I have complete awareness.

Today's meditation brought up some suggestions for the way forward, one of which is to offer the listeners of the radio show one of 30 free one hour ‘listening’ slots through my coaching business. Where I ask specific questions, listen intently to the reply, and then speak that reply back to them in their words before having them tell me what they heard and understood.

I also have visions of a Joy, Love and Light retreat with Katherine - great food, fun, inspiration, and enlightenment through exercises and meditation over a three-day period where people pay what they feel they can afford for such an event.

I have my website to remodel very quickly, and I also have the old business to resign from and my other businesses to step away from.

It has become very clear that I must keep and follow what is, and what feels light - to discard all that feels heavy and disjointed.

Perhaps not easy but very straightforward and so very simple too.  

‘When we are on the edge of our comfort zone and tip over the other side we often laugh or cry - this is the body releasing to the expansion of our comfort zone’ - Kyle Cease

 

~ Day 58 ~

Another amazing 24 hours, where people and opportunities are falling into my space and state.

I am meeting up with Katherine this week, the lady I worked with at the event, I am organising to speak on Christine's radio show, and I still have so much more following up to do from the weekend—it’s exciting!

Today I have so many thoughts about me, my business, how it’s all going to work, what I need to get going with, and the way it could transitio. This is what I am going to focus on now.

I am also adding the manifestation, as per the 'Kylego' exercise, to my meditations as I committed to doing so every day for 90 days, at the Evolving Out Loud  event.

 

~ Day 59 ~

All emotions are good emotions… today my meditation time came to me, rather than me to it as I felt the bubble of emotions start raising to the surface and noticed that I was trying to suppress it rather than let it come up.

There were no BFO’s (Blinding Flashes of the Obvious), no 'Do This', or 'Don’t Do This'. It was just waves of thoughts, emotions, and visuals that I allowed to come to me and pass through me.

I certainly found myself trying to make sense of different things and when I noticed I was doing this, again I allowed the thoughts to come to me and through me.

There was a realisation that the things I had been previously visualising regarding my personality, were apparent on stage this past weekend to those in the audience and it is that which I will take forward.

I have so much to do and yet I am allowing myself to be preoccupied doing unimportant 'stuff'. I have become obsessed with my website and simply need to complete it or delegate it.

'The Listening Programme' is the name I have put to my coaching process - or perhaps it should be 'The Listening Process'. Ohhhh… maybe that’s it?

Three parts:

> The client speaking with few but particular questions from me

> The client listening to what they said, and giving comment as a third party

> the client continuing to listen to themselves.

This will also include two 15-minute follow-ups and a meditation guide to follow that focuses only on looking at a positive, fulfilled, enriched, abundant future, as if it has happened, and with gratitude for everything

All based on our ability to often be able give others great advice but struggle with ourselves, and with a true appreciation that the answers are within us all, if we are prepared to listen.

Much more to come here but with the radio show coming up early next week, I will get it all into a state of flow so that I am confident of the content.

Two things happened yesterday. While out for a meal with Katherine and some people she knows, we were all asked to tell everyone who we were, where we were from and what we do.  It was a relief to be able to state that I help people to find their light, using their individual and unique story to source patterns from the past, enabling them to design their future.

The other thing was I was asked me how I was going to go about earning my goal monthly income. Though I got defensive and a little uptight initially, I answered the question but am aware I was projecting disbelief - something I need to keep working on!

It is amazing how the ego can work for and against me and that it is my job to guide it, like a child, on our path and to comfort it when it gets scared and starts trying to deflect us and take us off course.

 

~ Day 60 ~
 
Today was about simply staying in the game. I have a busy day ahead so just taking the time out for me meant battling with my ego telling me I had so much to do.

I had some great insight into taking The Listening Project forward I now know that I have the content inside of me for the landing page for this; I shall create it as I would the intro to one of my books.
 
I am excited to be meeting with Katherine today and know that we will get the ball rolling for our first retreat in July. We just have to bite the bullet with it and if she’s not on board then I will have to do it myself! 
Worries and concerns came up about my puppy as I haven’t heard back from Dad; hopefully he just didn’t get my message.
 
Thoughts too about my book - 90 Days of Meditation Part II—a book setting out a full 90 days of meditation for people to follow, based on the processes I followed  with what to expect, how to deal with different aspects - just a simple 'How-To' guide that will fall in line with 'The Listening Project'. I can offer the course at a discount to anyone who buys the book! 
 
Though I am putting greater importance on this book, as I sit here writing on day 59! This has also refocused me on the importance of my other books. I am considering giving all of the sales proceeds from my book, Vegan?, to the charity I have in mind  as my first impact to helping the Amazon, and therefore the world. 

  
~ Day 61 ~
 
There was a great deal of noise around during my meditation today, from builders working, neighbours going about their busy days, and quite a lot of traffic noise, so I did my best to not allow it to distract me.  I wouldn’t say I did a fantastic job but I definitely did ok.

I was able to accept everything around me and still be at peace while meditating. I’m sure it would be very different to have been completely silence, but that’s not real life and the fact that I can sit and be with myself while everything is going on around me is testament to just how far I have come.
 
There were a few things that came up that made me smile, and also more information on my work;

 ‘The Listening Retreat', to include three deep meditations and visualisations daily, creative activities and fantastic nutritional content for meal times.
The excitement is building around these ideas and visualising them in more detail is the next step.
  
It also came to me to look again at the Robbins-Madanes courses.  I feel this could be the next step I need to take to give myself a foundation on which to grow along my own path.

Finally, I’m really proud of the way I handled a situation last night.  It showed me again the distance I have come, where I caught myself starting to go into a sulk, I called it out in my head for what it was and then took some time to work out why I reacted that way before choosing to see things differently. 

 

~ Day 62 ~
 
I remember when a 20 minute meditation session seemed like it lasted forever. Not anymore! I had a shortened session this evening because I didn’t sit down until late in the afternoon and was heading out to supper.  It was my choice to shorten my time and I accept that for today. All part of learning how to be the best I can be for me, in real time.

The thoughts that were strongest during this shorter session were those of me being able to control of how I feel about going home on April 28th.  Bring here in LA and all that it encompases is an amazing adventure, the third I have had in the last six months.  I don’t feel at all ready to be heading back to perceived ‘normality’ in a few short weeks but I can decide to be in control of how these thoughts affect my state.
 
 
 
~ Day 63 ~
 
I made the decision today to make staying in LA or going back to the UK the right decision. Both options have their positives and I am only going to allow myself to focus on these aspects from this point forward, not allowing myself get bogged down with the ‘what if’s’, staying present and working with what I have right in front of me.

By learning to live in the now, I am allowing myself to be free of all things that have plagued my mind-set and from this, something else that came up for my work today was; ‘The Listening Project; Release your past, design your future and learn to live in the now’ Something I can put more meat on to as the next days and weeks go by.  Helping others to enjoy the present moment by setting down the sacks of regret or sadness from the past while working today to ensure their future is everything they hope it will be.
 
A new truth dawned on me while working out my schedules to talk to the guys back in the UK. Being eight hours behind the UK it takes a little planning to communicate properly and while I at time had internally berated those I was wanting to speak to here, while I was back in Europe, it dawned on me today that while I was having moments of lack of self worth, the people I was worried weren’t wanting to talk to me were having their own battles with everyday life and scheduling.
 
I can feel my old patterns creeping in at times and the old mind-set trying to take over the present situation: the neediness, the desire to be fulfilled by someone or something else outside of myself.  

The past isn’t just about a few years ago, or a few months ago; it’s when I started writing today's notes, or the words I have just written. These moments right now will never come around again so every single moment is both precious and a new beginning, if I chose to allow it to be. 
 
Part of the manifesting I have been doing has included my creation of my 'Homeless People of LA Project'. I found a way, in today's meditation session, to start this right now by ensuring that I always have some sort of cash on me, some food of some description (cereal bars/coffee/ sandwich) and my phone charged. That way if I come across someone homeless I can stop, take some time to speak to them, and offer them a small part of what I have to offer. This will also be amazing practice for me and will help me step outside of my comfort zone, but more importantly, taking a moment to stop and speak with someone might just make a difference. 
 
I sit here in this apartment wondering where I am going to lay my head come May, while knowing that I have a place to go, whatever happens. I can afford to stay wherever I want, at least for a reasonable period of time. I have no idea what it must be like to be truly homeless, with no money and no clue how to get out of that situation or what it would entail. Where would you sleep, what would you eat, where would you go? How do you get to that place, what stories lie behind the many situations?
 
I have some warning signals going off in my head, but I will put myself in danger or go anywhere out of public sight. I will just sit awhile and talk with anyone who would like to tell me their story and perhaps plant a seed of hope in their minds that will make a difference in that moment.
 

 ~ Day 64 ~
 
Today was an example of why I should look to give myself my time, in my own time, or use earphones to help block out the outside world. Why not make something easier if I can! I can of course meditate with someone else in the house, or with the noises of the outside world going on around me, but I don't have to do that. So next time, I will utilise either my earphones or move myself to a place where I can settle more peacefully.
 
I am feeling so much more settled today about going home. I’ve not made any decisions or had thought processes that create a positive viewpoint for it other than knowing that the right path will lay itself out in front of me when the timing is right, and I will either get on that plane, or I won't.
 
I have made the decision to not hold back for fear of rejection or of making a fool of myself. 100% or nothing; It’s the fastest way to finding out if you’re on the right path!
 
Why go at something at 75% and take 6 months to know if you’re on the right path, when you can go at 100% and find out quickly. As long as I am being 100% true to me along the way, which I question on a daily basis, going through this process.


~ Day 65 ~
Sixty minutes of meditation at 02:30 after lying awake for way too long and coming to the realisation that I had one of those recurring thoughts in my head and was never going to get some sleep.   It really helped me to settle, for my mind to find some peace, and I was pleasantly surprised when my hour and 5 minute alarm went off and I was able to drift beautifully back to sleep.  

I then had an additional forty minute session this afternoon at a friends house. During this meditation I was certain someone, an older person, spoke to me in Spanish, which is a little unnerving as no-one like that was in the house!

I was though able to truly take myself out of my body. Reminding myself to use body language too, if only for one minute a day, to change state and boost the mind-set.
 
It’s such an interesting process dealing with all of the emotions that creep up from my past while knowing that living in the moment is the only place to reside, enjoying the here and now, and being completely open to whatever comes up.
 
There was a moment that came up about my proverbial ticking 'clock', that whatever will be, will be.  If I am meant to have a baby, or indeed children in my life, it will happen.  

Enlightenment - Did anyone ever say it was easy? 

I’ve found it really interesting to realise that the apartment I am staying in has a very different feel to it than other places I have visited while I have been here, and not in a good way.  I definitely won’t be staying there again.
 
 
~ Day 66 ~
 
I meditated as soon as I arrived back at my apartment having visited spiritualist I had been recommended to, by my book buddy Rob.  It was an interesting meeting, feeling something close to both therapy (what I know of it) and enlightenment.
 
She definitely 'got' me and I liked her vibe from the moment I arrived and while the sceptical side of me figured she could have gotten a some of the information she spoke of, from my Facebook page, my true self believes that isn't the case.  It was emotional and a little overwhelming but I am glad I went. I will follow her suggestions and see where it takes me. There nothing to lose in so doing.

Things that came up today were to keep opening up and becoming more true to me. Continuing my journey to becoming the best me I can be, for me. Put me first. Go home, and then decide what happens next; US, UK, France, Amsterdam.
 
My soul’s path is to be creatively producing - writing, helping people with their creative businesses, mentoring - not so much the life coaching as this is too much about giving of myself.
 
Know that I have another two years of growth ahead of me and that motherhood is in my future. Maybe or maybe not through giving birth myself, but I will be a Mum. 
 
Don’t confine myself to the patterns of old.

It was an emotional start to the meditation as all types of tears needing to come out, but I’m glad that they did, as I feel amazing now and also pleased that it wasn’t crazy crying, just what needed to be. 

  
~ Day 67 ~
 
Taking some time out in the car today I chose to listen on loop to the full version of Aloha Ke Akua by Nahko Bear and Medicine for the people.  I fell in love with them while in Peru and this particular song resounds right through my body, whenever I listen to it. It was so peaceful, relaxing, and wonderful. Nothing particularly amazing came though other than a complete feeling of serenity.
 
The song takes me back to the beginning of my journey and always manages to put my brain back in the right place. 
 
Later, I had a wonderfully full and deep meditation, with no sound other than my own breath.
 
Once again taken by thoughts of my return to the UK, and continued considering of the Robbins-Madanes course. It is feeling ever more the way I will go but I’m not yet certain enough - until then I will keep it as a consideration only. It’s not going anywhere so will be available should I decide to go for it. 


~ Day 68 ~
 
Taking the time out every single day, working it all out, making space, and just being me.  Stopping the noise inside my head, allowing the rest of the world to drift away and simply be with yourself.
 
The message that came through today was to just get on with it! Take what I have and what I know now, and run with it. Work out what I can do right now, right this minute, that will make a difference to my earning potential in the future.
 
Considering the Robbins-Madanes course yet again and the value it will give me to my business. Researching others who have taken the course and done well with it, and also whether it would be more prudent to attend one of Tony Robbins’ events instead, and whether that be any more beneficial than the course I am attending in December, in Vegas, that he will be speaking at. 
 

 ~ Day 69 ~

Today my meditation turned in to sleep. I considered fighting it for a while and then just let myself go. I was surprised, when I woke, that it was just before my alarm went off, but I woke with a mixed sense of both peace and uncertainty, which is interesting though also seems to be becoming a pattern for Mondays.

So I am going to accept that for today, this is how I am going to feel, and take from it what I can.
 
I am back in to the writing zone, which is a great place to be having been a little lost these past few weeks. Remembering to just write, knowing that I can go back and edit things once I have finished the first draft, is definitely helping me to get going again.
 

~ Day 70 ~
Meditating in the park, in the beautiful warm Californian sunshine, today, was a complete privilege and certainly not something to be taken for granted.

A lot came up today, including; speaking to the owner of the apartment I am staying in, to find out if it is free for another month, searching for some appropriate locations to hold a retreat and to check their availability for later this year, changing the basis of The Listening Project and reducing pricing, and also the consideration of offering a scholarship where people email their story to me in the form of a video and I work with them for free.
 
I’m not ready to go home. It's pretty obvious. I can't think of a single reason why I have to go yet, and only money as to why I can't stay.  Which, quite frankly, isn’t good enough. 
 
  
~ Day 71 ~
 
Meditating in the car again today.  I came to the blindingly obvious conclusion that I was not giving myself the attention I deserved and was squeezing mediation into my life rather than squeezing my life around my meditation! 
 
Anyway, more thoughts today of following through with The Listening Project, and getting it out in the open.  That it can be anything I want it to be - it doesn't have to be what first came through. Therefore, it is now more about mentoring than it is coaching and makes sense now why I have been unsure about taking the Robbins-Madanes course, and about calling myself a 'coach'.
 

~ Day 72 ~
My meditation this morning was exactly what I needed to start my day, focused on the emphasis that everyone and everything is love. That we are all doing the best we can with what we have and even when we can’t understand the reasoning of others, perhaps through simply not understanding, this doesn’t make our version of the word correct, or truth for others.
 
To focus on continuing along my path, to be the best version of myself and accepting that I am perfect as I am, right in the moment,  also means to accept that everyone else is also perfect, right now in this moment.
 
I know I’m on the right path, that with every step I take I am enhancing my life and able to positively influence those I come into contact with.

As considerations turn to my return to the UK I am filling my thoughts with positive intentions knowing too that I will be very sad to leave LA.  In the same way I was sad to leave France.  It will be the end of an amazing adventure and the beginning of the next. 
 
I cannot help but wonder when I will be back in California, if I ever will be.  Right now though, I need to continue falling in love with myself, to the height of emotion I have previously only ever given to others.

 

~ Day 73 ~
To the beach today, a beautiful beach called Crystal Cove.  After a breakdown at the apartment, feeling a lack of control and the old negative emotions burning inside about being unloved.  A flashback of emotions, of needing to be loved by someone else, when I know it is me that needs to love me, completely. 
 
It's beautiful here, reminds me of home, which strikes me as the first time I've considered the UK as home, for some time now.
  
Only I can make a difference in my world. Having the support of someone else or not is irrelevant. Even when it comes to children,  in this day and age, I could make that happen (if my body is able) without anyone else too.  
 
I must let ito, if only for this moment, and see where it takes me.
 
Magal, the spiritualist, asked me if I'd ever felt loved the way I thought I ought to; my answer was no. My fear rises when I consider this love may never come, and it's then that I realise, it is only by me loving myself completely, that it will ever become truly possible.
 
This is an incredible time in my life and I am so grateful to have this opportunity to change my course, to lay a new road ahead, and to tread a path I would have never before considered possible, had things been different.
 
I am grateful for all of the people I have met in my life, and I am excited by what the future holds now because I know, in my soul, I will fulfil all of my hopes and dreams.
 
I feel somewhat like I have been in, and am now graduating from, an apprenticeship of life, that my first 40 years were always meant to be this way so that I could finally break the habits of lives gone by. To stop going around in circles and start to straighten the path for my soul, in this body and for many lifetimes to come.
 
The universe has allowed me these gifts of pure and unadulterated love and compassion so that I can do my bit to help make this earth a better place for having had me here, in this lifetime. 
 
I ask the universe now to help clear my head of the concern of funds. To assist me in believing that there is a clear path of income ahead so I can set those concerns aside and concentrate on the doing, and being of everything I need to be.
 
Now it's time for the next chapter to begin. 
 
 
~ Day 74 ~
 
It feels like I’ve had the first proper meditation in days. My headphones on, and my own meditation music playing, (I had some created for me via a fabulous chap on Fiverr) I completely submerged in to my own world for over an hour.
 
So much stuff bumbled around, allowing the ebb and flow of my thoughts to work their way through me.
 
I know in my bones now that going back to the UK is the right thing and that everything is on its path. The old business is ending, I  finally have end date of mid-May, and that will be it.  That chapter will finally be closed. It is the most amazing feeling! 
 
I met with Rob, my book buddy, again today and this has spurred my creativity and reminds me how much I need to be around people like him.
 
Also, I have a picture in my head of my perfect space, a loft-type environment where I can paint, write, create, and have my animals. 
 
I listened again both to Kyle Cease’s CD and to my session with Magal, noting the homework questions she gave to me, and picking up on the pottery and sexual awareness classes she recommended I also look into. I've a lot to work on here and I'm looking forward to giving myself that space.
 
I know I will come back to LA in August, there is time to look at my retreat ideas again.
 
I've so much to do, so many ideas to investigate.  This is why it is absolutely right that I am leaving here, for now.
 
I can look forward now, to what the next few weeks has in store. To catching up with friends and family. To seeing my horses and little dog Charlie, spending time just 'being', in the fields with them, now that the weather is warming up. Remembering I have choices, that when I no longer have the old business to tie me to a desk, I can literally be anywhere and still work on my books, my writing, and myself.
 
This voyage of self-discovery continues, though it has evolved so much, the road ahead is beautifully long. This is not about becoming a better me; I am perfect as I am, this is about learning to love myself completely, so that the very best of me has space to come out.
 
So much of what Magal said makes sense and rings true, and yet nothing she said was so out of the ordinary as to make me question it. I look forward to what following her advice has to bring me.
 
I have more cocooning to do; the butterfly is not yet ready to emerge. Perhaps another six months, maybe another twelve, eighteen or twenty four. Time will tell but right now I know in my cocoon is the right place for me to be.
 
Three to four weeks in the UK, at least, then maybe on to Holland, and then, who knows! Before heading back to the UK, returning to LA, on to China, and then Vegas at the end of the most amazing year.

 

~ Day 75 ~
 
My meditation today was beautiful. Just peace in its purest form,  listening to the chimes of the music and letting myself go completely. No big revelations, just an underlying feeling of happiness, despite the other everpresent emotions. Who knows what the future holds, but I leave LA and return to the UK with a beautiful feeling of hope, happiness, joy and excitement about my future.

My last day in LA. I did ok emotionally until departures and well, then I just let the tears flow. It is absolutely right that I'm heading back to the UK. I have stuff I need to do and I need to work on me and my dreams, not drop myself into another man’s world.
 
The trick will be working out what that dream is, or more to the point, what I'm going to do about it. So here begins the next 'chapter'.

Working out how to build a successful business serving others, enabling me to be completely independent of any other person, so that I can be everything to the one person I know in my heart is out there waiting for me. When the time is right. 
 
Is it writing my path? Time again will tell. How many books do I need to write? As many as it takes! I've started a process I want to explore, and I believe I have a talent for reaching into people's hearts and touching them, so that is what I am going to do.
 
I know this will take me around the world, will earn me enough to pay my way, and will ensure that I am able to help as many people as I possibly can.   
 
*****
 
I could not have predicted just how perfect my time in LA was. The people, places, adventures, sights, sounds, and feelings that at times took over my whole body were all so magnificent.
 
I expanded, grew emotionally, and learned to trust and love myself more as each day went by.
 
The realisation of dreams coming true, forging forward with actions that would later affect the course of my life, trusting that everything happens for a reason and slowly but surely beginning to understand that there is a huge difference between wanting something, needing something, and attaching to something.
 
It was time to go 'home'.